Friendship Lessons

Natalie took part in a very special opportunity on Sunday with our local television station. She will be featured as one of the "Best and the Brightest" students on a segment they run for the local graduates. This is something the station has done for years, and I remember watching it, always looking for our local schools. I never dreamed my own daughter would one day be one of those smiling graduates.
Now for the hard part. Natalie shared this honor with a classmate of hers who was formerly one of her best friends, and had been since Natalie reached out to her in the 3rd grade and asked her over to play. They had recently begun attending our church at the time, and Natalie's best friend had just moved away, so she wanted to get to know her better and also make a new friend. They became friends and stayed good friends all the way up until around September of last year.

While I don't want to infringe on either girl's privacy, I will just say that it was very bittersweet to watch the two of them be photographed side by side, not speaking or interacting with one another. Two former, inseparable friends, who once enjoyed the company of the other.  Now separated, forcing lifelong friends to "choose sides". It's a no-win situation for both of them, whether they realize it or not. As an adult, I can see things from a different perspective, but sometimes kids (now adults) have to learn things the hard way, or in their own way to get the lesson they need to learn. It's just really hard to watch when you know the answer, but they aren't ready for the answer. This is a common theme, isn't it? And not just with friendship problems. Life in general, I think.

Good friends are so important. I had some really good friends in school. We were as different as different could be. Amy was our resident Christian, all keeping us in line with the Word of God, and never going to school dances or out to movies with us, but boy, she was so funny and entertaining, and very sweet. Anna lived on a farm, loved sports, laughed really loud, and she and I found all kinds of ways to have fun. Sandy was a good girl who kept her grades up, volunteered for everything, and pushed me to try all kinds of fun things, mostly out of my comfort zone. I went to her house every day after school to pig out, help her with her chores, and we spent nearly every weekend doing something together.  But what I remember most about these besties was that they never expected me to be like any of them.  I was the only one who didn't really take school seriously. I didn't go to youth group like Amy. I didn't know anything about farming, I wasn't a girl scout like Sandy, and the cool thing about all of them was that I didn't have to change for them to genuinely enjoy my company. I truly enjoyed spending time with each one of them separately, and I loved it when we were all together. Our differences only made us a better team. While some of us liked to play sports, the others liked to watch. I don't remember it being a problem.  When I was the only one dating, they all supported me. None of them were mad at me for liking a boy or putting my attention on someone else. They couldn't wait to hear the details of my date! When good things happened to one of us, they happened to ALL of us! We appreciated each other's vast differences and backgrounds and took the time to find our similarities-the things that connected us. If one was jealous of another, I honestly don't remember it ever surfacing or being an issue, because we seemed to encourage each other's strengths, not compete with them. I didn't realize how special that was until recently when I started sharing with my daughters. Maybe there was no such thing as "drama" in the 80's, or maybe I was just oblivious, but there was none of it with the four of us. We all had other friends too, and would bring them into our "circle" and share them. It was never a "clique". How things have changed through the years. Remembering back to my high school days makes me sad that my kids are really missing out on some of the things that made my school years so fun. Why have things changed so much?

It is a powerful thing when young women truly connect and allow each other to grow. That's what relationships are for. In a healthy relationship of any kind, there is give and take. A fair amount of listening and talking on both sides. There is growth in the relationship, as far as understanding another person's actions and thoughts.  There is a point where you stop having to explain your every move to someone because they know you so well, they already know what you are and aren't capable of saying and doing.  A friend who allows you to be yourself and grow is a very unique and special thing at a young age. It's not an easy thing to attain in a world where competition is king, and insecurities reign.  Some people are too threatened by your success to cheer you on! But then there are some who cheer you on because they love you that much, and your success is as important to them as their own. That is a real friend, and one you hold onto for life. I have some of those. I talk about those friendships with my girls often, because they are rare and I want to build the kind of person that it takes to be that person to someone else. When we expect everyone to be that for us, or expect that everyone we meet wants that from us, we become disappointed. Not everyone wants that from us or wants to give that to us. The truth is, some relationships grow together, but some just grow apart. It's okay to let some people go. It's just not okay to let them go and then keep punishing them for leaving you.

 One daughter told me it is so hard to get people to "open up", and share their true feelings and talk about "real things". It's hard to "get to know" girls. I think a lot of it is because kids today spend too much time behind their phones, and don't have to have a lot of "real" conversations anymore.  They keep everything kind of "surface" level. As a teenager, I talked to my friends face to face or on the phone every day. I always knew where I stood with them. We didn't tell everyone every little thing we were thinking! Kids today rely too much on social media and communicate by texting,  and then wonder why their words get misunderstood or they say things they shouldn't say. I see some of the things teens share on social media, and to me it is a cry for understanding and deeper level conversation with someone who cares. I think they just don't know how to communicate or feel safe enough to do so. Maybe too much is being shared by people they don't trust. Then when they do meet someone worthy to trust, they aren't sure how to communicate with them.

So the advice I give my girls, and I hope they follow, is that to be a good friend, you have to close your mouth and open your ears. It's not always about you. Not always about what you want from someone, but what you can give. It's not about what you need, what you heard, what you feel, but sometimes what someone else is going through and what you can give to their situation. When an opportunity to mentor a younger teen came about, my daughter found herself in a position to help someone with something that she was going through herself just months earlier. Even after she confided to someone what she was going through, her friend didn't acknowledge her and in fact, ignored her problem, making her feel even more alone. Even more interesting was that the same thing had happened to me. Combining our experiences helped us to not only give love and support to this person, but to remember ourselves that our experiences are sometimes given to strengthen us to help others later.
 
 When you grow as a person, you stop looking at yourself so much, and start looking at others and what you can do for them. Your struggles don't become your daily baggage, but rather experience.  Instead of trying to "avoid toxic people", like we are told in all those "inspirational quotes",  we can see people in a whole new light  when you're not looking at them like they are the problem all the time. And when you weigh out your words carefully before you say them (or God forbid, text them), then maybe the right words will get said. Not "heat of the moment" words that are usually self-serving, hurtful words, like "I", "me', and "your fault".  And with our area having one of the highest teen suicide rates, I would say our teens need to do a better job of holding each other up and not being so self-absorbed and careless in their speech. I was proud of one of my daughters for getting up and leaving a table because a classmate was being gossiped about for talking about mental illness symptoms. This is something my girls are sensitive about, and know not to joke about. Sometimes you lose people because you can't tolerate the way they treat others. It's not really a loss, but a stand needs to be taken, and you hope one day they'll return to a better level of treating others. Until then, you have to move on and hope God leads you to better company and them to something better too.

Friendships require maturity and forgiveness, and room for the other person to make mistakes. We aren't perfect, and we're not always going to meet everyone's perfect expectations of what a friend should be. While I think it's okay sometimes to cut ties with people if there are legitimate reasons, I don't think it's okay to do so with contempt or with malice, or to expect others to follow suit. If you don't like someone, fine. But don't ask your friends to follow your lead. That's just not fair. It will actually make you feel pretty rotten after awhile too.  Is it easy when the person who is mean to you is being nice to someone you are friends with? Um....nope. That never gets any easier.  But something I know for sure. When one door closes....when that door slams, when that door just won't open anymore even though you tried....another one swings open, and there stands something else for you. If you just stay true to what you know is right, and continue to do what you know is right, God will reward that effort with the people you need in your life who will love and support you. It just might not happen overnight.  And God will also correct you when you're wrong, and be open for that correction too.

And I believe most, if not all relationships can be reconciled if two people are willing to meet just halfway. I don't give up on anyone, and I'm disappointed when people give up on me. I encourage my girls to keep their doors open and try to keep quiet to other people when people hurt them. I know it's hard. When you're young and you need validation and friends to support you, you tend to want that support to come from everyone. But the truth has a way of coming out in the way you live your life. It doesn't matter what anyone else decides to do for or against you. It doesn't matter if everyone believes one story over another. It's the way you continue to conduct yourself that shows who you are. I believe that stands as truth, and that's the way it's always been. The people who are meant to be in your life will always be there, and those who aren't will move on. I've seen it in my own life, and I've learned so much from those who have hurt me. Thank you for the lessons, because I know better what I need and what to give others now.

And sometimes that's the best way to learn a lesson, isn't it?