Real Expectations

When you're caught up in a storm of grief, the clouds actually bring clarity, unlike the usual meaning of the word, "cloud".  Grief "clouds", as they shroud you in their grayness, bring clarity to your feelings, but not so much to what's going on around you. It becomes evident what and who you need around you, and it also becomes evident who and what is available (or not) to help with those needs.
Clarity. Not always something that helps you sleep at night. What helps you sleep at night is knowing that everyone you love also loves you. That everyone you care about also cares about you. But the truth is, if anyone in your life can sleep knowing you are crying yourself to sleep at night because you don't feel loved by them, well, they don't really love you at all. Clarity.

I find this topic interesting, as I research love and relationships, not just romantic relationships, but friendships, family bonds, and any other type of relationship that might ask itself, "is there love here or not?" This is not about stalkers, co-dependents, or angry ex's. This is about genuine relationships based on genuine trust, authentic bonds beginning with true companionship and a melding of souls. So why would you ever have to wonder if that person is there for you or not?

Expectations. The other day I talked about loving someone well. Showing love and sharing it so that it comes truly from your heart and not your brain. If you're doing that well, it is pure and not questioned, right? I still believe that. It's only when love becomes based on what you're going to get back from someone that the motive gets called into question. Do you love the person because of who you are, or do you love them because you're getting something in return? Because once you're no longer getting what you need from that person, your love will become evidently conditional, and gone. The result? Pain.  You will not only cause irreparable harm to another person who genuinely cared for you, but you will hurt yourself, because you have lost your connection to a  person whose honest heart invested in you. This is what happens when you don't love for real.

And what about us? Are we loving people genuinely or are we still waiting in expectation for them to love us the way we need/want them to in return? I can honestly say I have not always mastered the art of loving freely. It was a hangup of mine to want someone to care for me as much as I cared for them. I  would get very invested and subsequently very hurt because I didn't pay enough attention to the fact that maybe the other person wasn't as invested as I wanted them to be in the first place. So I settled for a very imbalanced relationship, ignored the warning signs, and then blamed them when they would eventually disappoint me.  What took me way too long to figure out was that I needed to seek out the people who already had what I needed! They were already deep-thinking individuals. They were already good listeners. They already accepted me and wanted to include me! They were already sensitive and understanding, and had good insight on life. They knew the meaning of give and take and seemed to "get me" in a heartbeat. Once I met my tribe, I knew I no longer needed to "convince" anyone else they needed to "love" me. I could let my expectations go, and with that a lot of people who just weren't meant for me.

But is it that easy? Absolutely not. I still struggle with letting certain people in my life be as they need to be and not as I need them to be. While my needs may require them to be more loving or more sensitive or more talkative or just more present, I have to remind myself that they don't love the way that I do. I have to let my expectations for that person just ride out on the storm clouds, and let that be my clarity.

There is peace to be found in letting people go, though it is one of the hardest things for me. Moving on is like giving up! But it is also wise to know when to hold them and when to fold them, as they say in poker. Well, I'm not a poker player. I do believe that if we are willing to let people be as they are and not who we want them to be, eventually we will have peace in the decisions we all make. Dropping our own expectations and letting people live as they choose and love as they only know how may be the only way we can have a real relationship with them at some point in life. I think that might be the best definition of real love right there.