Licensed to Drive me Crazy!

I will try to make this short, but I have so much to say on this subject, there are no guarantees with me at all.

Why is it that whenever I drive, I am followed by some guy who got his license out of a cereal box? Not just that, but his brother must be the guy ahead of me, sitting so low in his seat, I think it must be Frodo driving. The car's seen better days, but the stereo works just fine. There's more money in those speakers than in the U.S. economy right now!

Okay, so here's what went down. I was on my way home from dropping the girls off. Generally, I like to have no one behind me because frankly, it bugs me to have you back there. Anyway, I'm being tailgated by someone who is obviously more impatient than me. He's weaving back and forth, slipping back in behind me so close I can see his hairy white knuckles on the wheel. Not pleasant at all, but who's judging, right? So, I'm doing the polite thing, driving to the far right so he can pass me unhindered. I'm going about 5 over the speed limit, because at this point, I can't even see his headlights in my rearview mirror, so that's a little too friendly for me. So, finally, I began talking out loud. "Okay, buddy, I'm going over the limit, there are no cars coming. Pull it together and pass me already. You're driving like a granny! No offense, grannies. Okay, buddy. Now you've gone and ticked off a woman driving a mom van. You must have a death wish. I haven't had my coffee yet. PASS ME NOW OR I'M GOING FOR THE BRAKES!! "

At this point, I'm pretty sure it's Satan back there, since my prayer time in the morning is in my car on the way back from the school. So much for that, I'm speeling insults to a total stranger, really giving my morning the Wheaties start. I will definitely have to pray when I get home.

So, I decided maybe it was time to drive the speed limit, so I slowed down a bit. Frodo's brother back there was not a happy camper, I don't think. I've slowed down, I've turned up my music, and have begun singing along, trying to ignore that unwanted rear-hugging wart. Oh, if only I was Inspector Gadget, I thought, and had this cool car with all these cool things on it. A rear oil slick would come in handy right now. I used to joke with the girls about that very thing. They suggested a cotton candy thrower would be a good weapon. I'd push a button and they'd yell, "OH NO....GOT THAT ONE! Good one, Mommy! That car is all pink and fuzzy now!"

Finally, he gets up the courage and passes me going so fast I think his rear tires might come off. They don't look too secure back there. I was afraid to look over to see if he was waving at me. Sometimes they do that. So polite. Classy too. I don't wave back, but I usually give them my sweetest smile. Maybe we'll be friends one day, I say aloud. Then again, maybe not. Horn works, try the brakes, Einstein! What? I'm number one? Gee, thanks!

Do you enjoy the idiot that passes on the right as much as I do? Here's a good one. Do you know when you push that little lever on your winshield wiper thingy that the fluid sprays WAY over your windshield and onto the cars beside you? I sometimes do the kind favor of washing those right passing cars for them as they illegally drive by. Smokers are especially entertaining, as they often crack their windows! Again, do not mess with the mom van.

Construction zones. Do not even get me going. Do not pass me on the right, only to expect someone to let you in 2 seconds later when the lane closes!! You get what you deserve on that one. I don't let them in. They can just sit there and think about what they've done.

The school parking lot! A tragedy waiting to happen. Okay, why are you sitting there in the drop off zone, talking to your kids about war and peace? Just tell them to have a good day, then boot them out and drive off with the doors open. What's the hold up? I'm actually fairly patient with this one, because I am more concerned about the kids safety than getting through the line. The person driving the white SUV was not. What was OJ doing at the school anyway? Okay, so my kids were out of the van and I was watching this tiny little guy ahead of me trying to shut the car door and tell his mom goodbye. I didn't trust him to stay out of the roadway, so I waited. OJ behind me sped on by , not even noticing little tiny guy standing there! What could possibly be so important that you have to fly through a school parking lot? Hair appointment? Coffee date? Bad sushi? Come on, people!

I'm actually not all that aggressive when I drive, but bad drivers, impatient drivers, and rude drivers really get my knickers in a knot. Who do they think they are? More important than everyone else, that's who! Oh no, you are not, I say.

I can't just complain about all this. I should probably teach you something too. Hmmm.....let's see. When going through a car wash, shut your windows. Yeah, that's good. Um, do not drive off while the gas pump is still attached! Do not leave your purse on the car roof....did that. Do not let your kids drink milk products in the car....oh boy. Do not flash your brights at people! Do not leave your blinker on for miles. When making a left and no one is coming, feel free to weave into the left lane so the guy behind you can keep on going! Don't drive on the sidewalk. That's a doozy. And please, please, please, do not tailgate, pass on the right, or throw trash out the windows! If you smoke (and I pray you don't), keep your butts to yourself! Do not apply makeup while driving, and you'll all hate me for this one. Stay off your cell phone while you are driving!! I can't stand that. Try not to eat while you drive, and if I see anyone not get over for an emergency vehicle, I will hunt you down and throttle you myself.

Beware of the Frodos and their brothers and you should probably avoid me on the roads too!

I've gotta go now, my tongue is stuck in my cheek.