Some Truth

Soon I will be heading out to the pool, but I had a few things on my mind first! It's 90+ degrees in the shade today, and I was saying to myself, "it is so hot! i just can't think straight." See, we decided to be conservative and not use the A/C this summer. After all, we were both raised on clean air in the home and the car. No A/C business! No pools either. In fact, Steve and I were both raised with very resourceful parents who never even had credit cards! We were both taught good values about money and various other important things. In our homes growing up, our parents sewed, cooked from scratch, baked on Saturdays, garage saled, and repurposed items in order to keep using them. It boggles my mind then, how Steve and I have gotten so far from the core values we were taught. I find myself changing, 6 years after we built our home. I find myself wishing we'd never built it at all. How life was simple before our "dream" began running our lives. It has caused me to pause and remember my life as a kid, and how happy I was with what I had. How I always took such good care of all of my possessions because I knew we couldn't replace them. I worked and saved not just some of my money, but ALL of it. I contributed to the household when it was needed. Not just with my money but with cooking and cleaning, learning all kinds of things I would need for my later life. I didn't have a lot growing up, but I didn't know it and I didn't care. It may look like I have a lot now, but I really don't, and I still don't care. What I need is for my external life to mirror my internal life, and then I will have peace. I think we all will. I'm not sure when I began thinking that it wasn't "enough". That somehow, a new house would be "better". Granted, we needed to get out of town. We didn't feel it was a safe place to raise 2 girls. But thinking back, we didn't need to leap quite so far. Somewhere along the way, we began to believe the "lie" that having more meant you'd "arrived" or finally "succeeded". But what we don't get told is that kind of thinking is the very thinking that will one day take you down to nothing. I keep going back to the fact that we didn't have a great relationship with Christ back then. If we would have had that stability and Truth in our lives, we would certainly have known back then that it wasn't about us,not even our kids. Being a good steward and living simply is about others. I wish I would have known that then. We may have been raised in great homes, but we weren't raised with enough God. It sounds like an excuse. I sure don't blame our parents for any mistakes we make! So I feel I am living a bit of a lie. Living here, but in my heart wanting something simple so that I can be a better steward to others. Wanting to be here for my kids, but also knowing the lack of income is a stress to my family. Knowing that if we move, we are leaving family property, and I would be taking this place from three people I love more than anything. Coming from what I had, I never believed I "deserved" to live in such a beautiful place. I certainly never believed I deserved to be a stay at home mom here as well. I seem to have the best of both worlds, but it is coming at a great cost. I guess if I have to choose between working full time and missing out on my kids, or having to move, I would rather move. So, lots on my mind today. Ironically, I am heading out to that pool. The pool we wanted for our kids so we wouldn't have to expose them to the beach. Good reason, but maybe not a great decision. I am learning about being a better steward of what God has given us, and trying not to beat myself up as I learn more.