"You're So Pretty"

I was feeling a wee bit better (I am a little Irish, you know) today, so I got myself around a bit. I thought maybe dear Hubby might be tired of looking at my big blank bland eyes, my stringy hair, and my muppet tee shirt wardrobe these days. I would actually be a bit wrong about that, as every day, he manages to make me blush when he will suddenly say, "you're so pretty". Isn't that a husband's job? To make his wife feel beautiful on her very worst days?? Yes. And mine is doing a wonderful job of making me feel good while I don't feel very good. Does that make sense? Oh, it doesn't really have to make sense, I suppose.

As I was drying my hair and wondering just what I'm going to wear this fall, as my clothes are all too small, I got to thinking about what is important. If you were reading my posts a few years ago, I was always talking about my weight and fitness and what a struggle it was, and how much weight I could lose and how I did it and wow, I kept it off this time....and yawn and yawn and yawn. I see it that way now because it is so unimportant to me now! I can't believe how much of my self esteem I allowed to be tied into the size of my jeans and the amount of wiggle in my arms. What was I worried about? Who was I comparing myself to and why was I doing that? What if all that energy could have been spent on learning to accept myself instead, like my husband does? Wow. I should put in a little disclaimer here and say that I am not obese, morbidly obese, or even close. My kids think I have body dysmorphic disorder. I will admit that I am not that much overweight, and I do think weight loss is important for those who need it for health reasons! I applaud those who are losing weight. This post applies to me and me alone.

Truth is, I'm not a skinny girl like I was until I was about 32. So what? This girl had 2 babies, a husband with cancer, and a whole lot of way more important things in life to worry about than the size of her body. And my life is still like that. I have a feeling it will always be like that. So where was I going with this post...

Oh yes, my health. Always comes back to that, doesn't it? I think having serious health concerns has really put things in perspective as far as my external appearance goes. When you don't feel well emotionally, physically, mentally, you really don't care so much how you look! If anything it has put me in touch more with the fact that I don't have to care so much. I have to put so much focus on just getting well and staying well and doing what I need to do for my family, that I don't worry about my physical appearance. I don't feel ashamed or embarrassed of my weight. I don't care what people think. I'm not worried about it anymore. Maybe it's survival mode? I'm more worried about having a panic attack in public! Or a seizure while driving. Well, I'm not going to really worry about that because it's not going to happen. So there.

Which brings me to another part of it. Spirituality. When you're not caught up in changing on the outside but you are trying to work on the inside, it's amazing how much you can hear spiritually. I'm sure God would be happy with me being physically strong and at an ideal weight, but I'm listening to him just fine while I'm unable to work out too. So, He'll use me where I am, and I now know to keep things in a better balance. I've been on both ends, I suppose. I've been on a high and I've been on a low, and I can say that God is more evident in the lows. When we think we have it all, we tend to forget His divine role in all of it.

"You're so pretty". These are the words I look forward to hearing. Spoken from the sweet heart of my husband who knows what my heart needs to hear to keep it going sometimes. Once in awhile I will say back, "Oh, I look terrible." And he says, "You're always beautiful to me."

That's the way God sees us. In our fat, our blank, bland eyes of sickness, our mistakes, our complaining, our bad days. We are always beautiful to Him.