With the coming of spring comes a little uneasiness for me. For some reason this time of year is a struggle. I guess with the pop of the buds and the turning of the green, I expect to have some kind of new life as well.
A natural dreamer, I often think of all the things I wish I was doing. All the things I wish I could do, if I could do anything I wanted. I have great ideas...i really do. Then I watch others achieve them and feel bad that I don't follow my own dreams. Then I take it just a bit farther and say to myself, "what makes you think you can do that anyway? You're not good enough to do this professionally." And in ways, I really do believe that.
Staying home and being a mom and house manager has been a blessing, but in a lot of ways, I've had to give up part of myself. Not just my time and energy, which is a given in this job, but I've given up allowing myself to want something for me. Not because I'm a martyr, but because somewhere along the way, I thought it was what mothers had to do. And because being a good mom was and is my goal, I went really far with that notion. Believe me, it's hard to go back once you've denied yourself this long. Out of the loop, out of confidence...not a good place to park.
How did I get here....the girl who had it all figured out...the ducks in a row woman....the planner, the preparer....Life happened. And it's rarely what you plan on. It's a struggle, a challenge, and a lot of questions. Sometimes it lasts for a few months, a few years, or if you're lucky, just a few days. But you will struggle. It's a promise. The dreams you have may never happen. The money you need may never be there, and if it is, it will be used for something else. Someone else's dream, because when you're a mom, that's what it's about.
But somewhere along the way, I need to find something for me. So when my last child walks out the door for the last time, I don't crumble in a heap. At this point, sadly, I would. "I've built my life around you", as the song goes....
Young moms and dads, please heed my warning. Keep living your life beyond your kids. If you have a dream, put it into motion while you still can. Don't feel bad about having a life of your own. Don't let bitter people like me (sometimes, I am. Sorry) make you feel bad about doing things you want to do with your time. If you struggle with confidence, as I do, then find a way to get it under control before it controls you.
This is not my sob story. This is my reality. You may be surprised to know I don't have my life all figured out. At my age, I should, right? God has kept me waiting all my life for things and this is no different. In a lot of ways, life has been a struggle for me. Do you have all day? I could try to explain. But none of that matters. Going forward is what matters, and it's hard. Maybe that's why my fave Bible verse is...
" I can do ALL things through Christ, who strengthens me." Philippians 4:13
and I will leave you with that. Because it's better than any ending I could make up.
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