Sensitive

I remember a teacher once writing on my report card that I was "sensitive". I was in elementary school. In fact, I believe I was born sensitive, and I became more so as a product of my environment through the years. I was observant, empathetic, strong in conscience, an underdog fighter, and painfully quiet. Sensitive. As if it was a bad thing. Teachers. What did they know? Stuck to their star students, never noticing the ones who could have used a little extra attention. Sensitive? No. Hurting.  Back then teachers weren't very educated in the emotional needs of their students, just pointed out the negative ways it affected their class. Like my crying in her class. She didn't ask why, but got irritated and made me read aloud on the next turn. A teary snotty siphoning mess, I read a cheerful story to my 4th grade class. She never did ask why I was crying so hard. If she had, I would have said, " I think my daddy is dying." He in fact was not, but I was not told the truth about his illness and had drawn my own conclusion. Fear had convinced me that I was losing my dad. I was waiting for it to happen every day and didn't tell anyone. 

I was the laughingstock of my class that day and had no adult to turn to. It confirmed my belief that there was no safe place in school, which was how I had spent my whole elementary life. I withdrew, became more shy, it affected my learning, and I lived in a state of fear every day until summer arrived each year. 

No one knew that I was actually a pretty smart kid because I was so quiet! I was reading at the age of 3, just like I taught my own girls. But because I felt so afraid, I wouldn't share my talents, and so I suffered. Even as a child. 

So when someone points out to me that I am sensitive, oversensitive, empathetic, or overly so, or I wear my heart on my sleeve, I think it's their problem now, not mine. I'm wired the way God wired me to feel what I am to feel to benefit who it needs to benefit. If my sensitivity bothers someone or makes me a bleeding heart, well, maybe they are intimidated by feelings. God made me tender-hearted right from my point of birth, I believe. He has called me to be merciful and a peacemaker. Not that I am all of these things yet, but I strive to achieve them for His pleasure. 

How can I be all of these things and not also be sensitive? How can I be sweet and kind and not also get hurt? How can I love hard and not ever be scarred? It's the way He has designed me. 

So when I have trouble forgiving, the root is because I can't believe someone I invested in would be so hurtful. Because I believe in giving people a chance, but I don't believe in what you did with the chance I gave you. I am constantly trying to make things make sense in my mind, and some things just don't. Square pegs just don't go into round holes, and you have to let them be and stop trying to make them fit. Forgive them for not being what you expected them to be. 

So I will continue to be proud of my scars, brought on by my sensitivity, created by my Creator, who loves me for me.