I pray boldly and with expectation. I humble myself. I give thanks in all circumstances....and the thorn remains. I try to be joyful, but mostly I'm "jobful", because I'm pretty worn out and tired. One week I'm excited just to be able to cook my family nice dinners and organize cupboards and hang clothes on the line, and the next week I'm laid up again. It's ridiculous. Really I'm quite annoyed. If I was terminal, yeah, I'd get it. But I'm not. I'm just getting hit left and right with just enough to keep me down. And keep my family from having the best of me. I'm down to 2 friends, and honestly, they only know the half of what I go through. The truth may make them run too! Well, they haven't run yet. That's why I call them friends, I suppose, and not just people I know.
I have already done this! I gave up 4 years of college and donated it to debilitating migraines and crazy diagnoses and wrong medications. I have missed weddings, parties, coffee dates, vacations, games, family, and 3 open houses this year alone due to illness. I am missing my nephew's open house today. I have lost enough family and enough friends and enough time and enough life. When will it be enough? Who will I be when I am finally free of all this?
I ask that because I had certain ideas of what I thought my life would be or where I would be at this point in my life, barring illness, of course. Isn't it funny how I assumed I could make plans? God makes the plans. But it makes me ask the question-why was all this sickness for me part of his plan? And if it wasn't, why wouldn't He remove it? I had hope that since I gave up so much in my younger years that maybe He would return it to me in my older years. Well, I'm older now. I'm still sick. In fact, sicker. What on earth??
I haven't seem my sickness do any good for anyone else. In fact, it has separated me from most everyone else. So if this is for someone else's good, I don't see it and for the last 25+ years I haven't seen it either. Ask my high school friends. Oh, wait, they all left! Sick people are no fun.
Well, enough lamenting for the day. Thanks to the safety of my blog, I can say whatever I need to say without feeling judged for it. I guess if someone doesn't agree, they can take their healthy selves to a happier blog. For now, I'm admitting life isn't that happy. I'm honest. Feelings are real and deserve to be expressed if anything so I can put them in the right place. Now I can get back on track and continue to pray for peace.
God is not giving me answers or fast healing, but maybe He will bring peace. And if he could, bring my dear friend closer to home so we can hang out. 3 hours is too far... :( 16 years is too long too.
2 comments:
Psalm 43:1 Judge me, O God, and plead my cause against an ungodly nation: O deliver me from the deceitful and unjust man. 2 For thou art the God of my strength: why dost thou cast me off? why go I mourning because of the oppression of the enemy? 3 O send out thy light and thy truth: let them lead me; let them bring me unto thy holy hill, and to thy tabernacles. 4 Then will I go unto the altar of God, unto God my exceeding joy: yea, upon the harp will I praise thee, O God my God. 5 Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God.
You are not alone and not the first to go through the BUFFETING (boxing match) you are experiencing. There are more people praying for you then you think. In Jesus name, we ask you Lord to heal Jami and remind her of your grace in her life. Amen. Blessings
Jami, I'm so glad that you can be honest and real on your blog. What a gift you give me in your honesty. I pray for healing, I pray for a life where you can do the things that are dear to your heart. I pray that time and time again, God will revel His heart for you. That He has promised, even if He doesn't give us the whys. Wish I lived closer than 2 plane rides and several hours drive. i'd so love to hang out with you, sick or not.
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