Weak

Hmmm...I haven't been blogging because quite honestly, I'm exhausted. More than usual. I started getting sicker early last week with some new symptoms and they are hanging in there. I have no appetite at all, which you would think would be s good thing, but it is very stressful. Being sick ruined my birthday and various other things, of course. I am quite annoyed at this point. Steve is finally back from his business trip that he almost cancelled because of me. I insisted upon his going, as I'm tired of being responsible for messing up everyone's plans these days. I should have been the one taking my daughters shopping for shoes and makeup, not my husband who just got off a plane and is exhausted from work. This stinks! I can't say enough good things about my dear hubby...he exemplifies the word devotion. 

My attitude is less than positive for all of you hoping I will inspire you today. The truth is, I can't be strong every day. It's exhausting. I am not just physically tired, but finding it hard to be emotionally strong too. This is not how I pictured life at 45 at all. Quite the opposite. I spent most of my life sickly and pictured my future with thoughts of hiking trips, kayaking, family volleyball games, water fights, big dirt projects, learning to build a gazebo, lots of stuff that requires energy and purpose. Keep the faith, people say. Don't give up. Hang in there. Ugh. Yep. I know. 

The girls have homecoming this weekend and it will be a flurry of activity. I will have to pick and choose what I can and cannot do. I will probably see them March in the parade but will skip the game in favor of rest. It seems all I do is rest.  I eat like a toddler and sleep. So fun. No social life, other than my kids and their friends! Thank God for my dog, sweatpants, and the few I talk to on social media! Hermit city!  I still battle anxiety and depression, both of which I cannot successfully be medicated for without elevating the other condition. I was told to choose the lesser of two evils...and now I'm being treated for neither.  One lowers my tolerance for seizures. The other causes the anxiety to get worse. Had it not been for these seizures, I wouldn't be dealing with this at all! 

Feeling inspired yet? I warned you. Some days I give, and some days I purge. Today is a purge day.  Maybe tomorrow I will be full of blessings to share, but so it is with illness. It's not okay to be sick and I'm not going to paint a valiant picture of it for anyone. It's okay to not be okay and to have days where you don't feel strong in yourself or your faith. Where I am weak, HE is strong.