Each day really does have its own trouble, doesn't it? I have recently come under attack in my family as you may know simply for being a Christian. Okay, I'm used to that. It's happened before. Yep, I'm the "goody two shoes". I don't drink. I don't smoke. I don't party. Not because I'm "better than them", but because I've been called to keep myself holy. Does that make me perfect or somehow without error? Oh, I wish! I'm subject to the same kinds of temptation as everyone else. I'm not exempt from being sick or rejected, for sure. In fact, I've been sicker and more rejected than any of them.
Part of the depression I have been dealing with has been chemically related to my seizures and the treatment, but some of it has also been related to the conditions of my heart. The fact that I have felt very let down by people I thought were my friends. People I thought would be there for me. People I thought I could depend upon. What a rude awakening my soul has been through. I have endured lost friendships before, believe me. I have seen friends pass me up in favor of others and I really just shook my head. I still do sometimes. But this last friend was the last straw. My nephew. My brother. People I thought cared for me at church. Wow. So many turning backs at once. Am I a leper? Do they follow old testament or something? Do they turn backs on sick people so they don't "catch it" too? What happened to that so-called Christian friend who goes around quoting scripture and talking about healing and attends more church than the pope? Where was she when I was at my darkest? Should I have called her to tell her my life was falling apart? She knew, but I believe hard times not only reveal true friends but they reveal lazy Christians too.
I said to my hubby, my best friend in the whole world, "is something wrong with me? why would someone be mean to me? I've been so sick for so long. Why would you treat a sick person so poorly? I just don't get this. It's like kicking a puppy. How can I not be hurt by this?" He answered in the way he always does, "You have me, and I am not going anywhere."
So, my honest dilemma. When I feel hurt, I want to retreat. I don't want to show mercy. I don't want to forgive. I don't want to act like it doesn't matter. Because I would never treat a person with such disregard at the worst time or at any time of their lives. I do what I've done for years. I build a wall. Well, my wall has become so thick and so tall that I don't allow others in quite so easily anymore and I certainly don't involve myself in their lives. In the words of my teens, I am so done. Is that the right heart attitude. Absolutely not. But like I said, it's my honest dilemma.
So after being up after midnight, knowing I had an early morning of first day of school busyness, I am tired. But I knew I had to be praying myself through this. I can no longer take anti-depressants after having a couple of bad weeks on one. They cause my anxiety to flare up again, which is something I can't tolerate. It's the lesser of two evils, I guess, but living with cyclical depression is sometimes like knowing you're going to get a very painful shot and having the pain last for about 3 days or more a month with no relief. Not fun and it's quite a fight emotionally as you can see. You try to hide it from people and it comes off as disinterest in them. You stay home when others go out. You do a lot of things alone. You count on your friends to understand. You hurt a tad bit more than normal. It's good when people "get you". You feel like a burden.
Today I opened up a Rick Warren post and saw this:
"Did you know that God uses your conflicts with other people to get your attention on him? If you're experiencing relational conflict in your life right now, Congratulations! God is trying to get your attention to change you for the better. When God wants to change you it always starts with conflict."
My questions remain: How much conflict and how much time?? Always, how much time will this take, Lord?
One thing this depression and these conflicts do is they drive me to my Bible and my study. With the kids in school, I have some quiet time to reflect and pray out loud without interruption. I can study a topic, listen to the materials and really get into the Word. I am re-joining a Bible study next week with some ladies who are dear to me to get the support I need both spiritually and relationally.
So, let's go, God. Let's get these kinks worked out. Because I'm tired, I'm weary, and I'm worn.
2 comments:
Miss Jami. You are in good company. Blessings.
Gal.6:1 Brethren, if a man be overtaken in a fault, ye which are spiritual, restore such an one in the spirit of meekness; considering thyself, lest thou also be tempted.
2 Cor.11: 23 Are they ministers of Christ? (I speak as a fool ) I am more; in labours more abundant, in stripes above measure, in prisons more frequent, in deaths oft.24 Of the Jews five times received I forty stripes save one. 25 Thrice was I beaten with rods, once was I stoned, thrice I suffered shipwreck, a night and a day I have been in the deep; 26 In journeyings often, in perils of waters, in perils of robbers, in perils by mine own countrymen, in perils by the heathen, in perils in the city, in perils in the wilderness, in perils in the sea, in perils among false brethren; 27 In weariness and painfulness, in watchings often, in hunger and thirst, in fastings often, in cold and nakedness. 28 Beside those things that are without, that which cometh upon me daily, the care of all the churches. 29 Who is weak, and I am not weak? who is offended, and I burn not?
Jami, thank you for opening your heart and being so vulnerable with me. I so get the depression thing. It's so hard to balance an "out there" life with the need to rest and retreat. It so warms my heart that you are rejoining a Bible study. I pray it will be everything you need and crave.
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