Happy Trails to You...

Until we meet again. Yup, I'm taking a break from my blog. I am getting busy with school stuff, for one thing, but for another, I don't know who is reading it anymore, and that makes me a bit nervous. My family doesn't read it. Friends I've had for years don't read it. Makes me sort of wonder who I'm pouring my thoughts out to, and who is reading the details of my life. Is it doing any good? Well, if I have to ask, then probably not. Believe it or not, I have very few close friends on Facebook. Not to be rude, but why would they care about what I'm doing anyway? Maybe it's just me and my natural private nature. If people don't say hello to you in the street, if they don't call you, they don't email you, then why would they care to "friend" you on Facebook? The million dollar question to me. I think they're just nosy. Or lazy. Or phony. Yes. You will miss my honest snarkiness. Then again, maybe not. I don't know you. Or do I?

So, I'm going to give myself a nice long break, focus on doing some projects around here, and stay busy running kids here and there. If there's anything else to report, you might just here it right from the horse's mouth. Or not. Who really knows? My life really isn't all that exciting, as you may have noticed. Two years of blogging and 4 followers should tell you that.


Bum Ba Dee Da Dum......Until we meet a----gain!!

Spinning and Crashing in Peace

Sometimes life feels like a car hydroplaning on a road in the middle of the night. You're skidding sideways, spinning around, then slowly you stop. You're either going in the same direction, facing an entirely different direction, or you're totally confused as to where you are altogether. If you're lucky, you didn't hit anything and you didn't pee your pants along the way. Then there are the days you actually crash. Not good days.

I've had a lot of spinning days lately. We have been so caught up in going from one thing to another, each one requiring me to dig deep for something, whether it's extra money for something, extra energy, extra time, extra patience, or a little sanity. I am really really tired.

My dear old dog of 14 cuddly years has been having a rough time adjusting to elderly life. She's shaky, tired, needs constant attention, and she doesn't always sleep well. She sometimes goes potty while she's still lying down, then she can't get up. Forget what this is doing to my back, my house, my sleep. I am slowly losing my precious best friend. This stresses me out to no end. I couldn't care less about getting dog poo on me anymore. I just love her too much to care.

Natalie is at youth retreat this week. Her first time away from home for 5 long days. I'm losing my little girl as well. At least that's how it feels. She's going away to Junior High this year. No more room mom duty for me. It's a whole new life for both of us. Did I mention I have a hard time with change? I miss my girl.

Serena has wanted to leave her school for the past two years, and we can't afford to send her where I would like to send her. I'm not looking forward to starting a new year for the second year in a row. Serena has seemed to get the short end of the stick in a lot of areas where Nat was blessed. It is sad, and yet I am without guidance as to what to do. I've been praying about it for so long, and I don't feel peace about it yet. It's so confusing. My job is to protect her, to do my absolute best to provide what she needs. Not so she's happy, but that she's getting what is good for her. Home schooling is not an option for me. I can't be consistent when my health is all over the place. Sometimes I am in a corner, yelling to get out.

There has been little relief with my PT these days, and I will be going to the next step of finding out what is causing all the trouble. It is frustrating to have followed all the rules, missed out on countless activities with my kids, and I still don't feel right. I'm getting tired of feeling trapped.

My brother will be released from re-hab soon. I fear he is not ready. I fear for what happens next. I fear for what it means for his life and his family. Again. There are no clear answers, no promises, no assurances. It scares us all.

You may arrive at some incorrect conclusions as you read this. No, I am not depressed. I am not sad. I am not losing my mind or my faith. I feel joy every day. I feel gratitude every day. I pray and thank the Lord every day. But if I told you my life was perfect and I only told you the "good stuff", my life would be a story book to you. I don't know about you, but I learn very little from those "happy ending" books. I learn from the pain of others more than anything. I wouldn't know the wisdom of an overcomer if they hadn't been through pain first and then shared it with me. They inspire me, not the Suzy happy drawers types.

You are not alone, whether you are spinning or crashing. God is there for the good and the bad, and this world is not supposed to keep us comfortable or happy. As long as we are here, bad stuff is going to happen. I choose to love my life anyway because God gave me a life, and I will enjoy it for His Glory. Not mine.

Whatever happens is supposed to happen, but I don't have to like it! I don't have to smile through it if I feel like crying. It hurts! I can be real. And I can be grateful all at the same time.

Peace to you in all your life's spins and crashes!

Envy

It's a bit green...it's human.....it's........ENVY!


"ENVY IS THE ART OF COUNTING THE OTHER FELLOW'S BLESSINGS INSTEAD OF YOUR OWN" - Harold Coffin (wow...what a last name, eh??)


Isn't that the truth? If you're too busy wanting what someone else has, you don't even see what you have! When we were building our home back in '04 and '05, I was obviously excited every time a shipment came in. One day some cabinets came in while someone was visiting. I eagerly opened the box and said, "hey, check these out." She reluctantly looked at them, said not a word, and that was that. Over the course of the next few months, it became clear that that person was not happy for us. She became critical of our decision to build a house. Okay, so you didn't like the idea....be happy for me anyway! That's a friend, right?? Not if envy gets in the way.

Don't get me wrong. I'm not miss Suzy Perfect Pants. I've had my own issues with envy...like those working moms with all the cute clothes!! All those trips to Disney that double income families take....people with awesome in-laws who love them! I too could get caught up in all of that if I take my eyes off the blessings I already have...

1. The privilege of staying home, no matter the sacrifice (trips and clothes)
2. A great set of parents, awesome husband, loving kids, great friends who are like family (perfect in-laws are overrated)
3. A family cottage, camper, and a woodsy backyard.(Who needs Mickey Mouse anyway?)

Why would envy be such a problem if you're so happy in your own life? I think one of the reasons is that we walk around hoping and dreaming for that one thing that will "complete" us, whether we think it's the job, the kids, the house, the car, the love of family, etc...But what really completes us is having God at the center of our lives. If we don't focus on Him or His blessings that He has already given us, we become self-centered...too worried about what everyone else has. Then we become spiteful, bitter, angry, jealous. Kinda hard to walk around joyfully blessed when you're in that state of mind!

And yet, we've all been there at one time or another. Forgetting Who is in control. Forgetting Who has blessed us with exactly what He wants us to have and at the time He planned them for us. Forgetting that by putting others ahead of ourselves, we will be happy for them no matter what they have when we don't have it yet!! We have to have faith that if it's meant for us, God will bring it to us at the right time. In other words, we can't go around whining about what someone else got! It just keeps the blessings from yourself even longer!

Be happy for your friends when they get what you've been waiting for. God will shine on you and bless you for your genuine love for that friend. And if you're hurting over the one thing you've always wanted and didn't get, maybe it's because there is something even bigger and better in store for you!!

And to all of you Disney goers, please bring me back some Mickey ears next time, ok?? I'll think of you every time I wear them! And I'll want to hear all about your trip! :)

Nothing

Natalie thinks it's pretty funny to ask me what I'm doing, knowing sometimes I say "Oh, nothin'". She then informs me that I must be pretty special and talented to be able to do that, since doing "nothing" is impossible. "Well, mom, you're sitting, right? That's something! You're breathing, your heart is pumping...those are all "somethings", so you can't really be doing "nothing", now can you??"

And I wonder why my hair is turning gray. That and being up since 3:45 this morning did not help!! There's only so much a Nutty Bar and reruns of "Three's Company" can do, you know? I am yawnalicious today, friends.

I feel like this week is full of a whole lot of "somethings", and it just keeps getting crazier. Like my cursor when it suddenly jumped up to my title bar....annoying! Anyway, I do have a busy week coming up, which travels right into a busy next week, which goes into a busy weekend, then into a busy week, another busy weekend, then before we know it, school is starting! Isn't that something??

Boy, would I like to be special and talented today. I would be doing a whole lot of nothing!!

The Three J's at the Lake

What a great weekend! We spent the weekend up at the family cottage with my brother and his boys. Jeff (my older brother) and his boys Jarred (14) and Justin (6) drove all the way up from New Baltimore to spend the weekend with us and my parents. They left wife/mom Lisa home to relax and shop with friends, apparently. The rest of us were bug-bitten, waterlogged, and pooped out, but what a great time we had!

There were lots of great campfires, "parties" (according to Justin), dirt biking, boat riding, fishing, napping, eating, laughing, pranking, soaking, remote boat driving, more eating, lots more laughing, and some crazy guitar playing around the fire. That would be me.

Last night we experienced our very first thunderstorm in the camper! What's worse than a night thunderstorm in a pop up camper? A night thunderstorm in a pop up camper when you have to pee!!

Aside from that, we had so much fun. I can't wait to do it again soon!

Insomnia A-Z

I have trouble sleeping sometimes...I guess you could call me an insomniac. It runs in my family. My dad and I are often comparing our nighttime notes...."hey, were you up at 3:30 too? Shoulda called ya..." I really don't like being awake in the middle of the night. All sorts of crazy things run through my head. Little house settling sounds can really sound like heavy breathing axe murderers in the kitchen...yikes. Sometimes situations seem more bleak in the dark of the night, causing more worry than is truly necessary. I also tend to peruse the cabinets in search of all foods fattening. Like one night, for example. I couldn't sleep, so I went into the living room, turned on the tv and chose one of my recordings to watch. It wasn't long before the weird sounds from the kitchen began. Sounds beckoning. Whispering. Begging even!! It went a little like this...."o r e o.....oreo..oreo....OREO!!"

Well, you know me. I had to rescue those poor oreos from that dark pantry cabinet! Before I knew it, I put away 6 (or probably 7) of those yummy buggers. I watched some mindless TV and finally gave in and went back to try to sleep. An hour or two later, the Cheez-Its were calling. Here we go again....

It took me some thinking, but I finally came up with some new things to help me sleep. I'm not in to the counting sheep business. First of all, all I would be thinking about is where all those sheep are pooping and whether any of them were wild and rabid. My imagination is just too crazy for that sheep business. SO, I came up with some clever alphabets instead.

I have the Classic TV alphabet, in which I have to come up with a classic TV show for every letter...A: Adam 12, Alf, A-Team, Alice....you get the idea. I fall asleep somewhere between "Hotel" and "I Love Lucy". I also have my God Alphabet..."A-Almighty, Amazing, All-knowing....B:Big, Beautiful, Blessing, etc... I have the Mary Tyler Moore Episode Alphabet, Northern Exposure (I'm a huge fan of Alaska), the Office Supply Alphabet, and of course, Male and Female First Name Alphabets. I've done foods, odd words, songs, music groups, whatever my wandering mind can find. One night I came up with words that ended in "tion". Don't laugh. You know me well enough that you're reading my blog. You're probably just as weird, sister. (or brother)

I have to say it's the best cure I've found so far for this night-fearing insomniac. And now you have a source for any useless information you may need! And just so you know (in case you didn't already), healthy foods taste like crap in the middle of the night. That one was free, my friends.

Choices

It was an easy choice to make the day Steve and I agreed that I would quit my job and raise our kids for as long as possible. Though the choice was easy for us, nothing about the choice has been necessarily easy! Not even 12 years later.

Over the past few years, we've managed to squeak through sticky situations, like Christmas with his family, when we were the only ones not able to drop a bundle on gifts. Oh, that was so not easy, but the choice we ultimately made was right. I would soon learn that the choice, however right for us, would not always be received, understood, or accepted by others! Suddenly being a couple with one income and two kids was scathingly unpopular. While some commended us for the choice to raise the kids at home with a parent, some didn't get it at all. And still, there were "others."

The "others" could be anybody, and it's even harder when the "others" are those who are in your life on a regular basis. It's even harder when you're a struggling first time mom, finding yourself without your former social network, having no job, and still being expected to do all the things you did before. It seemed that when I needed the understanding the most is when I didn't get it at all.

Looking back now, as we're faced with yet another sticky situation, I can see where I've gone wrong. Too many times I second-guessed my own feelings, my own choices. I felt I had to give reasons, justifications, excuses even. It was my mistake that I didn't stand on my own convictions, stand behind my choices, and really OWN my own decisions. Maybe somewhere in me I didn't think I really deserved to be home while everyone else was out working. Maybe I started to believe what the "others" really thought of me. Instead of being a stay at home mom and homemaker, I was "without a paying job". That one stung, and silly me, I let it.

I can't believe it has taken me to age 40 to really be confident in the choices I have made without letting someone else's ignorance take me down! As Steve and I discussed our plans to attend an upcoming family wedding, we really had to take stock of what we were going to be able to do. We've made some changes in our lifestyle, and this event was going to press on us a little harder than we could handle. Not only would we have to pay for accomodations, gas money, a shuttle to the event, clothing for all of us, and a gift, but we'd have to find someone who could lift our aging, arthritic dog and take care of her while we were gone. Honestly, that was our number one problem!

Silly old me stressed about this one way too long. It was my sweet, smart mother who said, "Sweetie, did you pray about all of this, or are you just stressing about it??" I shot up my prayer, and guess what?? I got an overwhelming peace about the whole thing. It will be a bit of inconvenience for us, but the decisions fit into our life goals. We had to let go of this issue of always trying to please someone else for fear that we'll be the focus of negative attention. In the grand scheme of things, all that matters is that we are true to ourselves, our family, and to what God wants for us. If it fits, great. If it doesn't, oh well.

Making your own choices at any time in life can be unpopular, uncomfortable, and definitely offensive to someone else. But as long as you're not trying to hurt anyone and you're truly just trying to do your best, then you just have to be at peace with what you are able to do.

I may never get the majority vote on some things, and it's bound to trip me up again down the road, I know I have God's vote, and that will just have to be the best check I ever get in the box.

Simple Mountain Life

Believe it or not, there's not much going on in the neighborhood. We've been trying to keep summer kind of simple around here. Less traveling and more day trips or projects around here. The girls have had some friends over and have spent some days away with friends. I have been trying to keep the berries picked, the weeds weeded, the flowers and patio veggies watered, and the family fed! We've been having fun experimenting with different recipes, and I'm doing my usual freezing. Last night I snuggled down into my bed, sniffing my line dried sheets. Hmmmmm.....

It may seem boring to others that these are the things that make me most joyful. However, this is the part of life that the "living" is actually in. Truly living IS taking care of whoever is at home with you or around you. It is caring for your plants, your home, your families, and being at peace with just that. I don't know who said happiness had anything to do with money, who you know, what hobbies you're into, or what your job is. Those things are nice, but they are definitely not IT.

I am one of those people who could be happy on a mountaintop with just the people I love. Forget hair color, TV, definitely politics!!, Heck, forget shoes!! Okay, that's a little crazy, considering my fear of snakes. But, truly, getting back to basics is such a good idea in so many cases. The more technology grows, the more I crave simplicity. Sometimes technology threatens to take the things we treasure most....like good chunks of time talking or writing to someone. Being faster and more efficient isn't always the best thing for people, who are already too short with others to begin with!

Anyway, keep it real and keep it simple. If you catch me stressing over something silly, please remind me of my mountaintop life! Better yet, join me there!