Sometimes life feels like a car hydroplaning on a road in the middle of the night. You're skidding sideways, spinning around, then slowly you stop. You're either going in the same direction, facing an entirely different direction, or you're totally confused as to where you are altogether. If you're lucky, you didn't hit anything and you didn't pee your pants along the way. Then there are the days you actually crash. Not good days.
I've had a lot of spinning days lately. We have been so caught up in going from one thing to another, each one requiring me to dig deep for something, whether it's extra money for something, extra energy, extra time, extra patience, or a little sanity. I am really really tired.
My dear old dog of 14 cuddly years has been having a rough time adjusting to elderly life. She's shaky, tired, needs constant attention, and she doesn't always sleep well. She sometimes goes potty while she's still lying down, then she can't get up. Forget what this is doing to my back, my house, my sleep. I am slowly losing my precious best friend. This stresses me out to no end. I couldn't care less about getting dog poo on me anymore. I just love her too much to care.
Natalie is at youth retreat this week. Her first time away from home for 5 long days. I'm losing my little girl as well. At least that's how it feels. She's going away to Junior High this year. No more room mom duty for me. It's a whole new life for both of us. Did I mention I have a hard time with change? I miss my girl.
Serena has wanted to leave her school for the past two years, and we can't afford to send her where I would like to send her. I'm not looking forward to starting a new year for the second year in a row. Serena has seemed to get the short end of the stick in a lot of areas where Nat was blessed. It is sad, and yet I am without guidance as to what to do. I've been praying about it for so long, and I don't feel peace about it yet. It's so confusing. My job is to protect her, to do my absolute best to provide what she needs. Not so she's happy, but that she's getting what is good for her. Home schooling is not an option for me. I can't be consistent when my health is all over the place. Sometimes I am in a corner, yelling to get out.
There has been little relief with my PT these days, and I will be going to the next step of finding out what is causing all the trouble. It is frustrating to have followed all the rules, missed out on countless activities with my kids, and I still don't feel right. I'm getting tired of feeling trapped.
My brother will be released from re-hab soon. I fear he is not ready. I fear for what happens next. I fear for what it means for his life and his family. Again. There are no clear answers, no promises, no assurances. It scares us all.
You may arrive at some incorrect conclusions as you read this. No, I am not depressed. I am not sad. I am not losing my mind or my faith. I feel joy every day. I feel gratitude every day. I pray and thank the Lord every day. But if I told you my life was perfect and I only told you the "good stuff", my life would be a story book to you. I don't know about you, but I learn very little from those "happy ending" books. I learn from the pain of others more than anything. I wouldn't know the wisdom of an overcomer if they hadn't been through pain first and then shared it with me. They inspire me, not the Suzy happy drawers types.
You are not alone, whether you are spinning or crashing. God is there for the good and the bad, and this world is not supposed to keep us comfortable or happy. As long as we are here, bad stuff is going to happen. I choose to love my life anyway because God gave me a life, and I will enjoy it for His Glory. Not mine.
Whatever happens is supposed to happen, but I don't have to like it! I don't have to smile through it if I feel like crying. It hurts! I can be real. And I can be grateful all at the same time.
Peace to you in all your life's spins and crashes!
No comments:
Post a Comment
Words Matter. Choose them carefully.