Divine Discipline

I got my "irish" up a bit on the way home from the Montabella basketball game tonight. Some jerk had the nerve to flash his brights at us not once, not twice, but three times!! Here's the news flash...we didn't have our brights on!! He waited til the last possible second to flash his lights at us just as he passed, which of course, blinds you as you drive. In that instant, I wanted to unleash my "irish" on that idiot driver. See, I'm not proud to say I have a bit of a nasty streak. Had I been driving, I would have turned my lights off and pretended to swerve, causing the oncoming driver to pee himself a little. You think I'm kidding?? I've said it before, I'll say it again. DO NOT MESS WITH THE MOM VAN. That's my new bumper sticker. That driver could have been a nice old man, but it allowed me to vent some anger that was already there. Not such a good thing as it turns out.

Lately, with my cabin fever, I've been a bit more frustrated than usual. I'm taking care of our wonderful dog that requires more than I feel I have to give sometimes. I'm trying to juggle all of my duties and feeling like I'm dropping the ball too much. This weather is driving me nuts, and I'm more tired than normal! In short, I'm letting it "get to me"!! I'm your classic slow boiler-turns-to-volcano example!

See, God's been shaking my tree a bit lately. Oh, it's okay. I asked Him to. I've asked for all kinds of wisdom, strength, peace, direction, help, etc... and He is delivering in the most interesting ways. He knows how to get to me. I cannot be hand-fed like a kitten. I need my dinner tossed to me like a tiger with a 'tude. I'm a tough sell sometimes. I get in my own way. I'm stubborn, which is one of my most popular excuses. The other is that I'm irish. Oh, I have plenty of them. Push me to my limit and all of them come out!

God is trying to show me in so many ways how my thinking is getting in the way of my own success. He keeps pointing things out to me(keeps flashing those headlights!), which at the time, really gets me mad! Then I realize what it is He wants me to learn. Kind of like how I train my own girls. They really get tired of hearing me tell them the same things over and over. They really get mad when I allow the consequences of their actions to really sink in. Hmm...Why would I be surprised then when my own Heavenly Parent disciplines me this same way?

Even as I've been sitting here writing, I have become angry 3 different times. I have little or no patience with the silliest things. The phone rang and cut off my internet connection. Some stupid telemarketer who dares to interrupt my life with garbage I don't want. Steve asked me where the check registers may be from 2 1/2 years ago! I don't know! Then I find out that the only day we have off...the day I just scheduled all three of our desperately needed hair cuts..that's the day they just rescheduled one of our away (farthest drive so far) games on a day we don't even have school. So much for a break! I just can't seem to win one here!

And speaking of break, do I sound like I need one? I really do. After hearing that my hair stylist is going on yet another Mexico vacation (after returning from Disney), and two of the moms at the game talked about their recent vacations to Mexico and The Bahamas (of course), that was just the last straw! I just want to get out of this house. Period!

(in-out-breaaaathe....that's the sound of me trying to calm down!)

So, if you're expecting me to be all sweety sister Christian all the time, I've got news for you. I don't feel like it right now! And if you're honest, some days you don't either. Do I know scripture and what it says? Yup a roo. Do I know better? Sure nuff. Can I do better? Uh-huh! Do I have bad days...weeks...months? Oh, yeah, baby. I do. Do I know God has my back in ALL circumstances? Yes I do. And when I allow His grace to cover me, I feel at peace.

Did you catch that? WHEN I ALLOW HIM TO. Like I've said before, I have a long road ahead. All I know is that when my world gets shaken by the Lord, only the best results have come from it. I know this for sure, and yet I fight the change like the spitfire Irish girl I am inside.

God wants my junk. He really does. He wants my bag of rejection. My anger. My losses. My fears. My hurts. My injustices. He wants it all. Maybe I'd stop being such a stinker if I'd finally give it away without keeping a little for myself. That little bit is awful heavy,and my arms are getting tired.

I share this with you, whoever you are, because it is important to know that we don't all "have it together" while you are "falling apart". If I have to expose my weaknesses to do that, then so be it. I have nothing to lose. Not even my pride. Confession is good for the soul and it's what connects people together. I'm not looking for your help or your insight. I need nothing from you. It's like forgiveness. I can forgive you without you even knowing or caring because it's what we're called to do. We're supposed to be helping each other in this big crazy world.

We're not a bunch of perfect plastic people, and if we think we are, then that is the real problem, isn't it?

Yeah, it is.