FAQ's

"Why aren't you on Facebook?" "Can we get a monkey?" "Will you braid my hair?" "Can I watch this movie?" "Can I get my nose pierced?" "Aren't i beautiful?" "Where is (fill in the blank)?" "Can I stay home?" "Can we go to the mall?" "Why?" "Can I get a hug?" "Can I go to the family center after school?" "Can so and so come over?" "Do I have to?" "How does this thing work?" "Can I get the straightener out of your bathroom?" "Can I come in?" "Why can't she do it?" "ugh. Can we get high speed?" "Can we get wi-fi?" "Where is dad?" "Who ate the last one?" "Can somebody make popcorn out there?" "Does this make my butt look big?"

Questions. Endless questions. Such is my life on a daily basis. I miss this one: "Why is the sky blue?" and I'm bewildered by this one: "Can I get my nose pierced?" This from the child who faints at immunizations. Sheesh. No, you can't get your nose, your butt, your eye, or your brain pierced. IF you want anything pierced, dad and I will do it for you! Happily.

Why am I not on Facebook? My kids don't ask me, but lots of adults do. I simply don't want to. I don't want to spend my time doing that. I am not interested in it. I don't care about it. I don't like it. Don't need it. Have better things to do with my limited time. No offense. I just don't wanna do it. Just like a root canal. Is that so hard to understand? Sheesh!

Sometimes I just look at the asker with my blank stare before repeating their question back at them. "Can you get a monkey. Hmmm. I don't know, can you?" "You want ice cream, eh? Well, isn't that interesting." "Of course you're beautiful, you look just like your father." "Do I love you. Now what kind of stupid question is that?"

"Do I think that stain will come out? Hmmm...I'll get back to you in about four hours. I'll be in the laundry room. Scrubbing."

I ask lots of questions too. Funny, the most common answer I get is, "I dunno..." Really? You "dunno"? Okay. Can we go to the mall? What's for dinner?Where is your lunch bag? I dunno. I dunno. I dunno.

And if you ask me where something is, I pity you. If I have to get up and find it for you, you will be ridiculed and humiliated beyond belief. If I find it within 30 seconds, I am calling the local news on you. It's just that question, "Where is such and such?" It's like nails on a chalkboard to me! Have you even started looking yet?? Do I look like the customer service center of lost items? Just because I clean everything doesn't mean I know where the maraschino cherries are. I'm just saying.

So, ask away, but I may not answer right away. I may just give you my blank stare. I may go all "CAPS LOCK" on you. I may just refer you to my special 800 customer service number. 1-800-I-dunno.