Right Side Up

I find myself watching a lot of college basketball since last year. That doesn't sound so strange, unless I tell you that I am very shocked by this new hobby/interest of mine. It surprises me because me watching basketball on TV was about as likely as a hurricane in the woods! 

I have changed a lot of my habits since losing my brother. I started noticing this when I was trying desperately to keep myself together in those early months. I couldn't bring myself to resume life as I knew it, so I certainly couldn't resume myself as I knew me either! 

I began researching strange topics when I couldn't sleep at night and I had tried everything, including prayer. Some of those strange topics: abandoned buildings, such as orphanages, insane asylums, and homes that were just left intact with trees growing through them. To my family, it was a bit "weird" that I would choose such odd things to research, but it kept my mind off "normal" things, and it's not like anything really felt that normal anyway. Looking back, "abandoned" is exactly how I was feeling, though I didn't put the feeling and the researching together until much later. 

I began watching nonsense on TV as well, mostly to entertain myself. One show I would watch was called, Finding Bigfoot. I would watch this group of Bigfoot hunters follow all kinds of crazy "clues", and try to prove the existence of the "squatch ". Clearly, I'm a non-believer, but their passion served to both numb and entertain my otherwise grief-rattled mind. Bigfoot hunting made no sense and I could accept that. But losing Jeff made no sense at all and I was far from understanding. 

Getting bored with Bigfoot, I moved on to College Basketball, and surprised myself by becoming quickly mesmerized by the fast-paced game. No longer annoyed by the squeaky shoes that once drove me crazy, I was instead driven by an intense need to watch my favorite team! What was happening to me? 

It became easy to lose myself in the game and not have to think for awhile. It's an easy way to lose a couple of hours in an evening. Anyone who has been through loss knows that when it gets dark in the evening, grief hits especially hard. And so, basketball. It is now something Steve and I enjoy watching together! 

I also quit reading like I had before, as I found I was way too distracted by my own silence. I set my books aside for awhile and instead began tearing up magazines with my daughters. I started a collage journal, in which I used words and pictures to represent myself in different stages. I am still working on it. 

When I tell people I am not the same person I was a year ago, I mean it. I don't know how you can go through anything of emotional and physical significance and remain the same. I have been spiritually transformed as well. I don't want to be the same person as before. 

My likes and dislikes may have changed a bit-for example, I don't like red meat much, and that's kind of new..but for the most part, I am still me, but hopefully better every day. 

I've recently started reading again-a few books by Mitch Albom, and I'm enjoying his perspectives. I read The Five People You Meet in Heaven and am currently reading a true story of his, Have a Little Faith. 

Good stuff. 

Life and all of its twists and turns is meant to turn us upside down, but my goal is to land right side up! 

Be blessed. :)