True Colors

"Write hard and clear about what hurts."  Ernest Hemingway said that, and judging by his success, I'm guessing he endured his share of pain in life. I often wonder what would have happened had he not written at all. Writing is my therapy. Maybe it was his as well.
If you read the  lyrics to many songs, most of them aren't about lollipops and rainbows, and most famous art masterpieces aren't paintings of smiling faces and sunbeams. Some of the most beautiful art, words, and songs come from pain, overcoming obstacles, or some other angst in life of which we can all relate in some way. Though artists get a bad rap for being dark and brooding, I don't believe that's true for all of them. I think a special amount of emotion is required to be an artist, and to be successful in any of those areas is certainly to be looked at as a blessing.
It's why I become a better writer when I'm a bit downcast, and it's why I could help out a friend in emotional pain a little better yesterday. Because when I'm feeling low, I become more sensitive and more clear of the pain around me. Though that may seem depressing or negative, I think it's quite the opposite. I think it's necessary and therapeutic now and then to detoxify, unload, and face some of those demons we would otherwise stuff inside. Being hyper-sensitive to others' emotions definitely has its downside, as I can sometimes sense feelings I would rather not know. And this one has been coming for awhile...
Most people are familiar with the term "true colors", as it pertains to a person. Usually it is used after you are disappointed with someone who either betrayed you or didn't meet your expectations in a failed relationship, etc... When I use this term, you may be surprised to know that I also will include myself in that over-used phrase.
Relationships don't come easy to me, except for the ones I treasure closest to me, and for those I am grateful. I consider them to be my unconditional love relationships, where unless something major happens, we have each other's backs for life. I have failed in many, and analyzed them to pieces, coming away with many lessons, most of them carrying the blame firmly on my own shoulders. This, however, hasn't seemed to teach me very well, as it just swung my judgement pendulum too far in the other direction, and that direction is trust. I either don't trust at all, or in this latest case, I trusted too much, and boy, did that hurt.
My first reaction? Of course, my old stand-by, anger. Righteous anger. How could this person be so insensitive? How could this person do this to me after everything I've been through? Everything I shared? How could they be so selfish? I trusted them! And that's where I stopped being angry with this person who showed those "true colors" and started being angry with me for showing mine.
I was blind. I allowed myself in my vulnerable state to share too much. I assigned undeserved titles to someone who had not yet put in the time or effort to earn that title yet. I put this person on a pedestal they did not ask to be on. I made myself available even when it was not convenient or interfered with those unconditional love relationships I mentioned above. I set those aside for someone who didn't care about me the way my family did, but took their time. I made no demands from this person, but allowed this person to cross my boundaries. I invited disrespect by doing that, and all of that was my fault.
I was in tears as I realized how much of my heart I had given away to someone who really didn't care about me and my well-being as much as I thought.  And though it was a hard lesson to learn, it was one I needed to learn in order to finally get what God has been trying to teach me for years. STOP LOOKING FOR OTHER PEOPLE TO VALIDATE YOU! I know, I know, I know....See, I had been praying about this friendship for a long time, and I had been asking God to show me what he wanted me to do. I agreed to do things His way, knowing it would be painful. This friendship spans many years, and holds many memories. I wasn't treating it lightly, but also realizing people change, including me.
I had a conversation with my husband last night, who lovingly told me not to beat myself up, as he always says. He, who knows why I do what I do, and feel what I feel, and truly understands, which is why I can say what I say in front of him and not feel the least bit judged or ashamed. Like always, he puts the pieces of me back together when I come to him broken. It's what he has always done since we met.
I had a nice long prayer session with God this morning after a restless night. Not only did I pray fervently for this friend, but I gave this friend to the Lord to take care of, and I agreed to walk away for now.  What was revealed to me is what I've known all along and probably ignored out of my own selfishness. Sometimes we fail to see someone else's need because we're too busy caught up in our own. Our eyes get so blurred with our own hurt and tears that we just can't see that we're taking from a dry well. And that's on us. That's our true color, and that's the color I need to see best.
As I thought about how much I had invested in this person, I realized too, that it wasn't a waste of my time. I genuinely cared for this person. I never regret the time I invest caring for others, but I do regret the mistakes that I make in allowing myself to get lost somehow in my own expectations. It's why I chose to pray for this person rather than continue to be angry, because I will choose to see the perspective from God's point of view rather than my own muddled, messed up one.  We all cross paths for a reason. I believe this, and I know my life impacted this person somehow. I just may not get to see that today, tomorrow, or maybe ever. Who knows. It's in God's hands, and I trust that He knows what and who is best for my life and for this person.
Steve looked in my bloodshot eyes this morning and said, "I'll get your coffee going." I smiled back at him as I went to get ready for the morning commute.  I came back in, sat down and said, "I'll be okay with this. I just need to pop this ole heart back off my sleeve, roll it around a bit, and stick it back in my chest where it belongs and move on." He looked back at me from where he was making breakfast for the girls, and said, "Yup. You will.  At least today..." I had to laugh, because he's right. It takes a few times for me to get it right. But one thing I know for sure about him. I know his true color. It's gold. Pure gold.