Senioritis

I've been "revisiting" my high school years a lot lately, as I go with Natalie through these last few months of her senior year. As she studied for her Trigonometry final last week, I sat helplessly nearby, encouraging her, telling her I was sorry math was so mean. I agree with her when she says she is sick of school and doesn't want to go back every day. Yes, she has a severe case of "Senioritis", it's true. I had it my whole senior year, and I was nowhere near the dedicated student she has become. I didn't have a 4.0, I never carried straight A's for all four years of any grade. I didn't love school. I spent my days daydreaming or at home dreaming of the weekend plans.  I could have done better, I just didn't care. That's the truth. This kid puts her heart into her work, barely misses a day and has only said she hates school  this year, her senior year.

She can do anything she wants to do. She is well-rounded on many subjects, except for children,  which scare her to pieces. That cracks me up, because I was so comfortable around children my whole childhood, becoming an aunt at age eleven. I am in awe of her academic abilities, the ease at which everything comes to her. I always had to study, except for maybe English, which did come easier to me. And lunch, well, I mastered that, and I enjoyed Gym class way more than she ever did. And when that bell rang? Well, I was a quick one, yes indeed. No tardies on me.
She is headed to college this fall, and majoring in a technical field, so yeah, that escapes me, but it is really fun to listen to her talk about her future career. When I told her how many times I changed my field of study in college, eventually having to leave due to chronic illness, she finally said, "Yeah, sometimes I think I want to do hair and makeup." To that, I said, "You know what? You might just do that. You have to do whatever makes you happy. That is true success."
Just like when I realized I would never stay healthy enough to go back to school or hold down my job again. We realized one job I could do was raise our kids. It was the job that had never-ending "sick days", and many benefits as well as personal rewards. With my retired dad 2 blocks away, I was never without an emergency backup if a migraine struck at a bad time. Steve traveled a lot early in those days and it was much easier to have me home with the kids when he was gone. I look back now, and though that choice was easy to make, I didn't always "feel passionate" about what I was doing, but because it was the one thing I could do, I did the best I could do with the only job I had. And no, staying home with your kids is not easy, and it might look that way to some, and I won't get into it, but believe me, it's not an easy job. But it was an easy decision to stay with my kids.  Maybe that was passion after all. My kids have been my passion for a very long time. It makes letting go very difficult...look for that post later.
I look at those girls whose mom stayed home and taught them, read to them, played with them, explored with them, sang to them, and encouraged them in every way, and it's hard to give them to the world. I protected this senior who hates school. I sat with her and hated Trigonometry with her. I have spent every day with her for almost 18 years, living her life with her, highs, lows, tears, joys, fears, trying new things, scary things, breakups, disappointments, and so many more life lessons. And in just a few months, she'll be doing all of that from a different address, and all I will be is a distant presence, texting, "Math is mean." (frowny face)
And whatever she decides to do, whether it's flourishing in a career while raising a family, or deciding to stay at home to raise her children, she will be what I have become all along-a blazing success. Because what you do and what you earn isn't necessarily on paper. I've never learned that more than I have in these past few years. It's how you define your life, not how anyone else defines you. It's not a number on a W-2 form. It's not in your driveway or the title after your name. It's not the place you work. It's not the number of pounds you lost or muscles on your body. It's not all the letters after your name. It's not who you married. It's not the house you live in. It's not the food you eat. It's not the club you join or how many hours you work out. It's not the university you attend or the sport you play or the points you score. That is all temporary success. Permanent  success, the one everyone can achieve, is in the heart. It's always about people and what gets carried on long after you are gone. It's not just about looking at yourself and what you achieved. It's about appreciating others for what they also achieve, and believing them to be a success as well, even if it doesn't fit your measure of "success".
So as we finish out our case of "Senioritis" together, Natalie and I are going to do this thing with a hate of Trigonometry and a love of weekends. This girl has brought me so much joy and is such a delight to my soul. I cannot wait to see what she does to this world. I just know it's going to be spectacular, just like her!