When Steve and I started dating, I couldn't have been in a worse place in my life. I had started getting terrible migraines 3-4 days a week and it was becoming more and more difficult to keep plans I had made with others. I was losing friends. I was feeling pretty sick most days and I was struggling to take classes and working to pay for the classes. I was going to many doctors and none of them were helping, and I was running out of patience and feeling pretty rotten most of the time. When I did feel well, I tried to have fun and keep a smile on my face, which is when I met Steve.
For whatever reason, Steve didn't run for the door when he realized my predicament. He would show up, dressed up and ready to take me out, but sometimes ended up having to stay in with me while I battled a sudden bad migraine. It was never about me ruining his night. He was always focused on me, and in all the time we dated, he never complained. Not once. He sat and massaged my shoulders and kept cold cloths on my head while he kept me company or sat quietly while I fell asleep, him sitting on the floor by the couch in the dark. I would tell him to go home, but he would stay, holding my hand until I felt better. Sometimes just quietly leaving when it was clear I wasn't going to recover in a night. My parents would witness this act of love and smile. They knew. I was just learning.
He would also be there to see the flaws in my fractured family at the time- messy divorces and alcoholism issues. I was often embarrassed by some of these "shows" and would tell him he could leave me anytime and I would understand. He wouldn't go. He would just hug me tighter. He was there when my sickness finally forced me to quit school, and also there when I told him I wouldn't marry anyone in my condition because I had nothing to offer. I gave him yet another option to leave, and he wouldn't take it. He put in so much effort, even when I fought it. I think I tried to push him out, thinking he was too good for my mess, but he wouldn't give up on me. Nothing would discourage him. He kept saying he knew I was the one for him. And somewhere inside, I knew he was the one for me too, but I didn't think I deserved him. Yet. I thought I had to be all "fixed up" inside first. But he saw me beautifully put together already. He could see what I could not. You see, when someone can see you completely whole when you are in the middle of a mess, that is love.
I recently spent some time going through boxes of our old "love notes" and cards that we have exchanged over our 27 years together, and one thing stands out. While I thought I was such a mess and could only see the negative things about me, all of his notes only reflected what I had done for him. What I failed to see is that in my brokenness and sickness, I was still able to support him through his own challenges, show up at his ball games, make him laugh, and love him enough to keep him coming back to me. "I don't know where I would be without you", one note said. When thinking about where I was in my life back then, I just think, he had to have been better off with someone else, but when I look at our life today, he must have seen something I could not see at the time, and thank God his eyes were working better than mine.
Finding someone who was not only my best friend but also loved me brought amazing benefits. I now had someone who didn't just think I was cute and wanted to take me out. I had someone who had already seen me at my worst and couldn't wait to see me again! In fact, to this day one of the things I appreciate about him is that not only does he not leave when the clouds come in, but he stays to try make the sky blue again. I didn't know back then that my migraines would be chronic and that I would always be a "sick person." But right up to our wedding day, I wanted him to know it could happen, and he assured me he wanted all of me, sick chick and all. He has proven to me for 27 years that he has meant the actions behind his words. If that isn't a best friend, I don't know the definition. It's pretty simple to me. People who truly love you simply don't leave. My experience in life had been watching people leave me. He had seen the worst of me, I told him to go, and he stayed anyway. Others left me, whether at my worst or at my best, or when I could no longer serve them. Not only did he stay, but he tried to make my life better. He did make my life better. He made me a better person, and he still does today.
There is a saying, and recently I slipped it into his drawer. "I saw that you were perfect and so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect and I loved you even more." To me, this is a way of saying, I love all of you, the good and the bad, the way you love all of me.
He says this often from a scene in the movie, "Elf", and it cracks me up every time, "That's it. You're my best friend." He says it in the store while we're waiting to check out. He texts it to me while he's at work. He holds my hand while he's driving and looks over and says, "You're my best friend." He tells me at night just before he falls asleep. After a long hard day, and I've listened to the day's events, he'll say, "I'm so glad you're my best friend." When the girls were little and they would ask, "Daddy, who's your best friend?" He'd smile and say, "Mommy". They'd giggle. He still does that.
We were married on 10/8, so when the clock says 10:08, I'll sometimes get a text that says, "It's 10:08, do you know where your best friend is?" It's clear to me that it has always been important to him to have a friend in me. And I learned early on from him that I needed to have a friend in him. I'm so glad I was paying attention, because as I think back, it is our friendship that has kept us going so many times when everything else was falling apart. It is our friendship that has enabled me to open up and be honest about the hard things, and it's the soft place to fall at the end of the day when those hard things threaten to overtake me.
Marriage requires effort, whether you've been together a year or 21, like us. It requires time, energy, and intentional focus on the two of you. Just loving someone isn't enough. This past year of hardships became a bit of a test for us, reminding me of those dating days where I tried to push Steve away when things were messy. Instead of trusting him with my grief, my tears, my questions, and guilt, I retreated. He let me, thinking I had to do what I needed on my own. But to me, a lasting marriage needs a strong friendship to hold it together for the long haul. Thankfully, it was our friendship that buoyed us through, and allowed me to be honest with him and trust him with all of that mess, and now be intentional about letting him help me. He still amazes me with his patience and understanding, tackling situations with the same selflessness and diplomacy that attracted me to him in the first place. When he and I have trouble seeing each other as husband and wife, we can always see each other eye to eye as friends, and it has helped us to remain a real "team".
It is a sweet comfort to be married to my best friend. He has stood by me, comforted me, celebrated me, fought for me, defended me, welcomed me, anticipated me, encouraged me, laughed with me, loved me, prayed with and for me, and brought me the best gifts in my life-our girls. He blesses me every day with his love and kindness. He values and respects what I do, supports my dreams, tells me I'm beautiful without makeup, and does not go a day without telling me how important I am to him. I can sigh and he knows I just said a hundred words, making that conversation really easy for me.
God willing, we will be together until we are old and wrinkly. We just decided the other day that we are going to die of an obscenely old age, together in a cabin in Alaska, and we will let the bears find our bodies. Did I mention how important it is to have a good sense of humor in a marriage? :)
May your love, or future love be blessed with that of a best friend....
1 comment:
Jami, you have a very special man walking with you through life. I'm so glad you married your best friend. What a beautiful reflection you have written on marriage and friendship. Again, I'm impressed with your vulnerability. Be blessed.
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