Armor

"No good deed goes unpunished." Clare Boothe Luce said this, and although meant in her acidic humor, it holds some sad truth! 

At least in some ways anyway. One of those ways seems to be coming to light once again in my family. 

My "good deed", though not really "mine", is that I take seriously the conditions of the hearts in my family. I want certain ones to come to know Christ. If you are a Christian, that makes sense to you and you would support that. But I'm not dealing with that. I'm dealing with someone who is quite annoyed with my "interference", my praying, my Jesus, my anything they don't believe in or understand. 

Knowing my brother is in serious health decay and is facing open heart surgery that may or may not work sends a fear wave through me. Not because I may lose my brother but because I have been praying for him to change his life, reconcile his own family, and make his peace before he leaves the earth. I don't think his son is very understanding of my efforts. In fact, I think he's pretty angry with me. He doesn't understand that I'm not "pushing" God on his dad. I'm trying to love him. With some people you can't do anything right, that is certain. 

But it's the lost that have always confounded me and challenged me the most. The hearts that are hard, the eyes that are bitter and the eyes that refuse to see. I give this to God over and over and I do what he says, but sometimes what he asks me to do leaves me feeling beat up and persecuted all over again. 

I know, I know...the Bible is full of that. I just wonder how much more family I have to lose. How much more sleep I want to lose. This gets really old! Yes, Paul, in chains, old! 

I won't give up. It's clear the enemy is on a  high. Time to put the armor on and get back in the battle. It keeps getting closer and closer. From church, to friends, to now family. He's been busy, but we need to be busier. Time to speak life with our faith and not let my words give the enemy a foothold. I need to work on this. 

Thanks for listening. I thank God for this blog and those who read it! 

It's All Good

I spent some time cleaning and rearranging our home office yesterday. Steve had brought home several boxes of "stuff" from his work office since moving into the new building, so well, hmmmm...
Anyway, a lot of what he brought home were pictures of the girls when they were very little, including one of Natalie trying on her dad's big shoes. Several of them were cute little drawings the girls had done for their dad with their crayoned words, "i love you dad", clearly written in a preschool hand, misspelled and backward, the arms and legs of the dad coming out of his head, but the mustache clearly drawn under the nose! Happy times...
I came across a compilation of photos I had made of daddy doing all the things he spent time doing with them, high-fiving after a successful game of Candy Land-princess nightgowns and juice boxes in hand. Daddy helping hold the bat while she aimed at the tee, daddy holding a hand as they made their way down the steps of the deck, daddy coaching soccer, swimming, laughing, wrestling, cuddling....all around the photos I had written words like "friend", "hero", "protector"...Daddy.
I thought I was doing okay sorting through all those photos, but then my throat began to get tight and my eyes got a little blurry and I suddenly found myself stuffing those memories into a big box with all the awards and other "stuff" to store in the basement. Why put myself through all of that anyway? That is the past.
These past 6 months have been really hard on me emotionally. Being physically ill and dipping my toes into depression have left me feeling a bit raw. Although I feel much more healed on both counts, I have realized that there are some things that still need time. It's like any emotional experience, you need time to process and heal from it. I remember going through Natalie's first night after her major surgery and her blood pressure was dropping dangerously. I was spending the night in her hospital room and listening to her alarm go off periodically all night long. I would hear those beeps, jump out of my chair, run to her side, and wait for that night nurse to come in, which she did fairly quickly. When we returned home, I unplugged my computer and it beeped loudly. My heart jumped and I immediately panicked. It took me a minute to realize it was just my computer. For about 6 months I could not stand to hear a loud beep and would avoid unplugging my computer. Even though I knew it consciously, my brain processed that sound subconsciously to mean something sinister. Ironically, we did end up in the ER just one day after returning home. Natalie collapsed in the bathroom. Turned gray on me, passed out...so incredibly scary. The EMS got there fast. That low blood pressure....But God is so good!
And so it is sometimes with memories. My brain is holding on to the past a bit tight and trying to convince me it was somehow a better place than now. That's not true, and in fact if i allow those feelings to take over, I will miss out on the present. I opened up an Ann Voskamp posting and saw just that last night, and it soothed my weary spirit. She gave the C.S. Lewis quote: " There are far better things ahead than any we leave behind."
It certainly wouldn't be fair to my ever-forward moving daughters to be parked anywhere in the past! They are growing, thriving, changing. Looking forward to tomorrow! They want me on board, going forward with them. Celebrating every achievement that propels them forward, even though each day forward is one day closer to the goodbye that leaves me wondering, "what will I do without them?" And maybe my bigger, scarier question- "who am I without them?"  Selfishly I worry more about how I will survive without them than how they will survive without me. I have prepared them as well as I can. Nothing has prepared me.
I have been a stay at home mom for as long as they've been alive partly by choice, but also due to my health. I now wonder as I get older and now have new health concerns-"what now?" I had always thought I'd be better and could pursue my own interests and give myself a focus to keep my mind off "losing" my kids. Now I'm afraid I will only lose my mind! While I've dreamed of writing books or owning my own store, those seem like pipe dreams now with college tuitions looming and medical bills and well, life. I lean on the hope that if it is to be, God will enable me. I will do my part if only He will strengthen me. Continuing to pay off debt and pay for college is priority, but I do fear that there will never be "a right time" for me. These are the times it is hard to trust in the Lord for my future, even though I am promised a hope and a future. I just can't see past the obstacles sometimes. They loom large, and I admit, my kids have been my priority for so long that I have lost myself a little. Okay, a lot.
Living in the present. Oh, seemingly simple, but a daily struggle for me as I see life fly by my eyes so fast. Why is it everyone else's children seem to stay the same age and mine grow like weeds? Why does it seem my life has changed so drastically while my childhood life seemed never-changing? Is there a way to slow my eyes down? :)Yes, Lord, I know there are better things ahead. Just please help me with this journey. I want to enjoy it and not regret wasting it on worry, tears, and fear. Show me how to embrace change and go with the flow and look forward to these changes and take them as they come with power and strength and a big smile on my face.
Because it's all good. Right? It's all good.

A Prayer for Relationships

Sometimes it's hard to remember that this journey is my own. That it has nothing to do with who approves of it, who agrees with me, or who understands. It doesn't matter who is taking it with me or who chose not to take it with me. Who criticizes my choices or my opinions or my feelings simply does not figure in when at the end of the day I count my blessings.
I think that is why it is so profound to me when someone stands by me for the long haul. It is proof to me that they love with the love that God instilled in them. They choose to love with God's heart and see with God's eyes. It's not easy to love imperfect people. Oh, wait, aren't we all imperfect? Well, some of us are pretty good at faking perfection, but at the end of the day, we all know it's a front.  Wouldn't relationships be so much easier if we were allowed to be ourselves and let others be themselves too? But for some reason, we just can't do it....

My prayer is and always will be:
Lord,
Continue to make me the person you want me to be for your service. Prepare me for the relationships you want for me and take away the ones that are not healthy for me or for that person. Help me to see where I fail in my friendships and strengthen me and prepare me for new friendships to enter my life. Thank you for those who continue to stand by me and who have been there for me these past few difficult months. Help me to see their needs as well and keep me strong so I can be there for them. Help me to always see others with your eyes and grow my heart to forgive those who have hurt me or disappointed me. As always let me glorify you in all I say and do and with all the relationships in my life.

In Jesus' name,
AMEN

Midnight Madness

It's gonna be a long day! As exhausted as I feel at 2:00, 3:00, 4:00, and on and on until bedtime, for some reason, I wake up a little at about 10:00pm. It's pretty frustrating because we're all trying to get back into a school schedule, and this is not helping! 

Last night I attempted to sleep and instead I listened to all kinds of music on iTunes. I even downloaded some songs that kind of surprised me this morning. Did I start drinking and not tell myself?? 

So I'm in bed about 12:45am and attempting to sleep. I heard some loud thumping upstairs and saw a light go on. I texted Natalie... "What are you still doing up?"

"Just doing some cleaning" was her reply. 

Cleaning? Do you know that all day I was after that girl to get her chores done?? Ugh! 

I replied back, "u should clean during the day. Sleep at night. New concept."

Her reply: "HOW BOUT YOU SLEEP?"

Me: "can't. Heard thumping."

Her: "pretend it's ocean waves" 

She is her mother's daughter, I know. 

The conversation then turned to food and before we knew it we were meeting in the kitchen at 1 am for a feast of goldfish crackers, Fritos, granola bars, and juice. 

So today, I am more tired than normal and I have a strange rap song from the 80's on my iPhone. I am getting too old for this...

Find your Funny

It's harder to "find the funny" than I thought! I'm trying. Really, I am! It's just that it's work sometimes to get out of yourself and into a spirit of fun. That is key! Get out of your head. Look for something worthy of joy. It shouldn't be that hard!

The other day I scrubbed up my scuzzy birdbath, which for some odd reason I always call the "birdhouse" and it cracks me up. Anyway, I scrubbed it up, filled it full of clean water and set it closer to the windows. It didn't take long for the goldfinches to find out a new hot tub had been delivered! The chickadees joined in and before I knew it, I was bird watching like the old lady I really am inside! Only I make it funny, with commentary and sometimes the birds say things they shouldn't say....but it makes for a good time.

Our swimming pool hasn't seen many bodies this summer due to the fact that we've had a cooler summer, we're too cheap to invest in a heater, and frankly, our girls are lazy....anyway, it turned a little green. Normally that would have bothered me, but since I am such a Ninja Turtles fan, I simply said to Steve, "Hey, I think I found the Secret Ooze....all we need are a few turtles and we can start our own cartoon...." Well, that sent him straight to the "shock" and chlorine, and he ruined my whole idea! It's clear again. Still no one is swimming except for the bees....even though I found their secret hive and killed the queen. Another cartoon that won't be happening.

Another puzzling, yet not really amusing thing is the mystery stink in my van. Is that funny? Not really, but the jokes have been. I have torn that van apart! No stinking or smoking gun has been located thus far. The stink goes on....I have scrubbed....I have sprayed...I have febrezed until I can't febreathe......I have clothespinned the noses of unsuspecting passengers, no I have not but that is next....and I just can't get that stink! So love us, love our stinky van. The seats were pulled out in order to search it more thoroughly, and realizing I actually needed an extra seat to pick up an extra girl, I was forced to try to put the seat back in. My first mistake was thinking I could actually do that! I picked it up with my bad back. Lifted it with my knee, shoved it in, slid it, and CLICK went the seat in the WRONG slots, leaving it in the wrong spot. Hmmm...it was gonna be there forever as far as I was concerned. I had to call my dad to meet me at the school to help me transport the extra girl. When he got there he tried to help lift the seat out of the wrong slot but before he did he asked, "Is this seat on the correct side?" I said smartly, "Well, of course it is. That is the stinky seat and the stinky seat goes on the driver's side. Anyone knows that." He gave me one of those looks, eyes to the sky, and proceeded to try to put it on the other side! Dad! "Yup, you're right" He said. See, funny!
And still the van stinks. And it's now wet since yesterday it rained and the window was down. HA HA HA!!

Find your funny. You think it's not there...but it is. :) Blessings to you and your little belly laughter.

Making Music Lasts Forever

The pretty yellow flowers were in bloom across the road, so we hurried up and did a quick photo shoot with the girls and their favorite instruments on Sunday afternoon. 

It took several tries to get some of these shots as for some reason, everybody and his or her brother was out for a Sunday drive on our road at the same time!  I kept saying, "Go home and eat your roast chicken, people!"

Natalie plays alto saxophone in the school band, and bass guitar in the jazz band, but her true love is her guitar. She is self-taught, but takes lessons with Todd every Tuesday night. Todd claims that he actually takes lessons from her! The two of them are a great fit. She enjoys learning to play all kinds of music and he is not fond of top 40 hits, so they often play songs from the "good old days". Todd plays in a couple of bands and is a Christian, so it's a great influence as well. Natalie heads up a band consisting of herself on lead guitar and vocals, her sister on keyboard and hopefully back up vocals, Luke on bass guitar, and newcomer, but amazing on drums, Shane. Even better, these kids have known each other since they were toddlers. What a blessing!  Hopefully the band will be able to get together and practice and begin to perform. Right now they are trying to agree on music styles, choices, and trying to learn how to play as a team. It's a lot of work and they don't get a lot of time to practice. With God's help, the band will succeed. 

Serena is getting ready to start private tenor saxophone lessons at Central Michigan University soon. She is meeting with Professor John Nichol this Saturday for her first private and then will meet with a student thereafter. I was quite surprised at his offer of an hour long lesson! Apparently it's not something he does as a rule. She was a student of his this summer at the CMU music camp. He's a pretty tough professor, amazing saxophonist, and inspired her to want to get better. She even gave up wanting to play volleyball this fall in favor of pursuing music. I am pretty excited to see how this lesson goes. She is learning from one of the very best and we consider it an honor and a privilege.

While we have enjoyed watching our daughter play sports, I have to say there have been a lot of moments we have not enjoyed about watching sports. Knowing our daughters were working their hardest and putting every effort forth and still not being given a chance was really hard to watch. Knowing Natalie only had a couple of years to play sports because of her upcoming spinal fusion, but watching her sit the bench was excruciatingly difficult at times. There is no fairness in sports. Coaches have favorites. Parents complain and get their kid more play time. Bickering is common in the stands. I've even heard parents talk terribly about other people's children, openly in the stands! Skin has to be so thick to play sports. I'm not sure I want my girls walking around with skin like that, to be honest. If it was their choice, I'd support them, of course, but I'm so glad for music. Music lets everyone play!! Yes, there are favorites. The ones who play best tend to play solos, it's true. But the proof is in the listening and parents don't get to say anything! Only the teacher gets to choose who really earns the play time and it's not about winning. It's about pleasing the audience. But still, everyone gets to play because as a band, everyone sounds better as one. The clinkers get covered by the ones who practice, but they still get to play. The better ones cover the ones who don't work as hard and make them look better so as a whole, the band shines. It's what a team is supposed to be.

Perhaps a sports team could learn something from the band? Last year during volleyball a player was heard putting several of her teammates down. In band, that is unheard of. If someone is struggling, you take them aside and help them out. It's a buddy system and everyone gets help.

In some areas, these are the types of programs people want to cut! Art and music. The band. It's sad. Sometimes these are the only programs a kid has to keep himself interested in school. Sometimes it's the only class where he is treated with any kind of respect or feels any capability. Band was my saving grace in school. I'm so grateful that my girls both have a passion and talent for music and a great teacher to guide them.

What was this post about anyway?? I love it when I think I'm posting about one thing and another takes over.... :)

Does Anybody Feel Like Dancing?

It's another one of those early mornings. 4:48am, to be exact. Why am I awake? Well, my back hurts...still, but my mind is more the culprit. 

Why is it we don't awake with thoughts of The Lord on our minds? 

Why is it that our flesh likes to work overtime and the spirit likes to sleep in? 

So frustrating! What is slightly amusing is that my first reaction to being awake so early was an old saying of mine- and it came to me with a tired smile on my face-

"Does anybody feel like dancing?"

I don't quite remember where I came up with that, but one morning when I still lived at home with my parents, I came downstairs after being out late the night before. (Probably out dancing!)

They were sitting there probably just having coffee and looked up at my messy hair and smiled at me kind of funny. It just struck me and I said it. Straight faced.

"Does anybody feel like dancing?" 

It caught my mom off guard and she just started giggling. I used that phrase off and on for years at odd times just to get a laugh out of her. Especially in nerve wracking situations when we worked together. In family crises. When things broke and a mess ensued. 

"Does anybody feel like dancing?" 

And it always brought a laugh. 

So why not now? Why get caught up in why I can't sleep? Why worry about who and what I can't change? 

Because quite honestly, inside I do feel like dancing! I have a lot going for me right now and none of it has to do with whether or not: 

-everyone is treating me right

-I feel great every day

-all is right in the world

-my kids are perfect

-who is or is not in my life

I choose to dance because God is with me. So all is right IN me. 

Does anybody feel like dancing? 

Well, I will after I get some sleep...hopefully in a little while.. :) 

Blessings to you! 

A Bone to Pick

Okay...I'm all for charities and giving, but the ice bucket challenge... I've got a bone to pick. It's finally getting to me. 

Why do people want all the attention on them? All these videos of ice water being dumped on heads...I get it...it's supposed to simulate how a person with ALS might feel...??? Ummm...okay...but everyone is laughing in the videos, and doing all kinds of things to get more attention. ALS is a serious fatal disease. I knew a dear man with it and watched him fade away. I watched his poor wife struggle with his care...no amount of ice on my head will ever help me understand. Money. They need cash! And families need help! 

 Am I wrong here to be critical? I get fundraisers and benefits and all that and being honored to help those in need. We should give openly to prompt others to also give, but maybe this could be done with humility and not quite so much entertainment? Giving isn't for us to take the credit after all. Matthew 6:1 tells us our giving should be in secret. 

People say, oh, who cares! It's getting so much attention and so much money! Sadly a lot of those people in those Facebook and Instagram videos are probably not donating. In fact they say as much in some of them. "Dump water on your head OR donate". Why dump if you're not planning to donate also? Why dump at all? Just donate. I'm so confused. 

Maybe it doesn't matter what I think at all. Maybe it only matters that money is being raised. But in a world of self-promotion, I can't help but wonder sometimes who people really care about anymore. Are they really concerned about this disease or is it just another shot at a novel attention grabber? 

Especially when some don't even bother to mention ALS in their videos....

Correct me if I'm wrong. It's been known to happen!  I support the research of ALL diseases, and I don't know why this rubbed me the wrong way. Please forgive me if you participated and found what I have said to be offensive to you personally. Motives are in the heart, I know this. Some are pure, I am certain. 

Chipmunks and Me

Last night I was building  a fire for our "tube steak" dinner. I walked out behind the shop to the woodpile and there sat a chipmunk on a piece of wood. As I approached he just sat there looking at me. I thought for sure I would scare him off so I kept walking toward it but still he sat there doing his little chipmunk thing. 

"Excuse me!" I said to that chipmunk loudly. It sat. "Hey!" Satisfied that it didn't think I was a tree, I just walked right past it and it finally darted off-but not far. I kind of made "chirpy" sounds at it as I walked past. I don't know why. I have a weird sense of humor or love of nature kind of mixed together. 

Two things here that I learned. One-I don't know if chipmunks are becoming more human-like or I am becoming more animal-like since living in the woods. 

Two- who says "excuse me" to a chipmunk?? 

Anyway, in light of the heavy news stories and the burdens of the world, I want to share some of the lighter things in my life for awhile. The core of me is a fun-loving, spontaneous, witty, clever, funny person. I need to get out once in awhile! This illness can take some things, but nobody touches my funny. Nobody! :) 

Have a good day and take time to laugh and play! 

A Need to Serve

Found in my Joyce Meyer notes-

"God doesn't always take you out, but He will take you through. It may not be for you, but for someone else's sake that it is happening in your life. If we let him, God will more than make up for what we didn't get."JM

Acts 7:9-10 Because the patriarchs were jealous of Joseph, they sold him as a slave into Egypt. But God was with him and rescued him from all his troubles. He gave Joseph wisdom and enabled him to gain the goodwill of Pharaoh king of Egypt. So Pharaoh made him ruler over Egypt and all his palace.

This was all under the title, "Don't be Offended by Your Troubles". Isn't that ironic that I would pull this out when I am in fact seemingly full of "troubles"?  In my own neat handwriting are pages and pages of encouragement and Scriptures reminding me....

"Sometimes He leads us down a more difficult path and he does that so we mature and can come out of it grateful and ready to help others." JM

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you, causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna, which neither you nor your ancestors had known, to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord. 

"If we don't worship God in the wilderness, we won't worship him in the Promised Land. Sometimes he doesn't give us things because it takes our attention off him". JM



I had to drive today to pick up my girls from Band Camp. It was only a few minutes into town, an easy straight shot, but I was having some issues this morning and I was afraid I wouldn't be able to focus enough to drive. In fact, I was feeling very fearful. I stopped and prayed, but I still felt anxious. I got in the car, all the while trying to calm myself. I absentmindedly put my blinker on at the end of my driveway, something I never do, as it isn't necessary. I was just very nervous. I kept asking God to calm me and give me peace of mind and focus and safety, all the while thanking him for all the times he has kept me safe. It almost felt as if the car was driving itself. I just wasn't totally paying attention. Luckily we live in a quiet area, not a lot of traffic, so it wasn't a big deal, but I don't like driving as if I'm not there. I got on the main road and I said rather loudly, Ok, God. Here's the deal. I need your strength to do this! I'm coming to your throne boldly and with expectation that you will give me peace and your strength so I can do this. 

I asked, expecting he would deliver, and he did. Moments after my prayer, the anxiety left me and I drove there and back as if nothing was wrong. But he did do something else. He revealed some situations to me. 

The area I was driving in at the time of this great anxiety came to my mind later as I got home. In those few short miles is an area where not only a destructive tornado blew through a couple years ago, but several tragedies have taken place. Deaths, some explained and some not. Illnesses, some 3 to one family, tragic accidents, messy divorces, the list goes on.  I know it's just a geographical coincidence, but it was like driving through the tunnel of doom. Left and right, sadness everywhere. 

We live in a small community and it just feels like our community has been hit so hard with these hardships and heartaches. Not just in that area, but it just hit me as I drove through there. Those were just the things I was aware of in a small town. What about the things we don't even know about? What about the people who are living those tragedies day to day?  How can we help them get through it all? 

I again went back to God and asked that he would relieve me of this ailment because it has made me feel useless in his Kingdom. I want to be able to reach out to hurting families but I'm still struggling myself. Sure I can send a card and a check, but I asked God to make my body and mind whole for His service again. 

And will he? Yes, because he allowed me to drive anxiety-free. Why then would he ignore my request to want to serve him? I am doing what I can for now, but I'm preparing to serve bigger and better! 

Anxiety is crippling, but God is bigger. His joy is my consolation. Today as my heart flips and flops for no apparent reason, I stand on the promise of Jeremiah 29:11

For I know the plans I have for you, declares The Lord. Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you hope and a future. 

Blessings! 

All Talk and No Do?

I'm sure you're all familiar with the saying "all talk and no do". It usually means someone who likes to talk about all the things they are good at or know about but they never seem to do anything about any of them. Or it might be a person who is always on a project scene who is pointing out what others should do but never does it him or herself. Either way, it appears this person is lazy, incompetent, or maybe a bit of both.

I disagree. I've seen some of these people, and I've drawn my own conclusions. They are pretty interesting, if I say so myself. I've always thought if you take the time to observe and understand a person, you will usually come away with a better perspective of them than if you just snap to judgment of them. Sometimes people just lack confidence. Sometimes they lack assertiveness. Sometimes they try to speak up and no one gives them the time of day! I've seen this happen time and time again to myself and to people I care about. Sometimes you don't have the right last name. The right friends. Sometimes you don't have the right "look", the right amount of money, enough clout, (according to those who always seem to be "in charge". The list goes on. But sometimes, just sometimes, you could be just not feeling well in your body, but your mind works just fine and so you try to continue to contribute where you can.

Funny how that gets misread by people. In the last few months I have experienced what it's like to be "all talk and little do", as my energy has been zapped to nothing. I have dizzy spells, crazy fatigue, sometimes it's hard to breathe, and I have trouble finding my words still. I get emotional without trying. I'm just not ready for a whole lot of "do", yet I'm still as intelligent and creative as before and have a lot to contribute. But people only see your hands sometimes. They only see work and labor as important contributions. They see the rest as unwanted opinions!

My dad is 75, and has congestive heart failure, spinal stenosis, diabetes, and is a colon cancer survivor, praise God. He helped us build our home, take care of our daughters, and has always come to our aid whenever we need anything done. Anything! He bakes delicious bread, a hobby he found while recuperating. He can no longer climb ladders and pound nails and put his body through the hell he used to put it through. Is he weak. NO. But if he wants to be around for us, he knows he has to be careful. He wants so much to be a part of projects around him because he needs to feel useful, but many times all he can offer is his mind. We appreciate his mind and we put our own hands to use, making a perfect combination. He is also driving my brother 3 hours to Ann Arbor for his appointments, and would pretty much do anything for anybody. Truly if anyone says anything about my dad, I would personally clobber them. No kidding!!!

People are more than what meets the eye. I've learned so much about chronic illness these past few months. I've learned about depression and other conditions by having them myself. I've learned that not everything can be prayed away. Though God is in my situation with me, and walking me through it, He is not taking it away overnight and I'm going through the fire. I am determined to learn and teach with this. I am determined to educate those who continue to mistreat my friends and family with invisible illness as if they are "faking it", "useless", "lazy", or because they "look fine", "nothing is wrong" with them. We don't "dwell" on our illness. We live with it every day. There is a difference. Tell someone with cancer not to "dwell" on it. Would you do that?

My mom learned through my years with migraines that people with a broken leg walking into a room would be given a seat, but someone walking in with a terrible headache would have to stand. I agreed. People with visible illnesses are somehow called "courageous" and celebrated somehow, but people who "look fine" are complaining or hypochondriacs. Funny, I recently learned that epilepsy kills as many people as breast cancer, and actually suicide probably kills more people than illness. I'd have to check that out for sure. The point being, don't be so quick to judge another person's illness or actions or lack of participation. Seek to understand them. You don't know what they've been through and what they go through every day. I've caught myself being reactionary to someone who is hard to deal with, then I found out that person had been through something traumatic. I was ashamed of myself!! I prayed that God would soften my heart and help me to see people through his eyes, even people who tick me off! :) Especially those...

All talk and no do. That can be negative, I agree, but in some cases, it's not. There are a lot of great minds out there, not being given a chance to do because some people don't like to share. Oh, they don't even know who they are, do they? Lots of people can do a lot of things if given a chance, and if they can't, how about giving them a chance to make a suggestion once in awhile? If I remember right, I think that's called humility.

Blessings to all who do and all who don't.

Love More

I spent some time writing letters this week, and doing some "faith" work, as I call it. There is a young man in our community who suffered a serious injury a few months ago and has not yet regained the use of his lower body. His mother was my girls' preschool teacher and he would often come in and do fun presentations for the students with his motorcycle gear. The kids really enjoyed him. He was injured in a rodeo. His name is Max. The girls and I spent some time writing out Scriptures on colored pieces of paper at his mother's request. She is planning to make a rainbow of encouragement on the ceiling of his hospital room. I thought it a bit ironic, as I pulled out my own rainbow cards I had made for myself a few months ago when I was struggling with my own loss of hope. I had posted them around the house to encourage myself. I used some of those Scriptures for Max. The girls insisted on arranging them in rainbow order. I insisted on putting this one on top:

"For I know the plans I have for Max," declares the Lord, "plans to prosper him and not to harm him. Plans to give him hope and a future."  With a prayer and notes for Max and his mom, we sent them off with hopes of healing.

I also wrote my brother Tim, who is on his way to U of M again today. His appointment last week was very long and surprising. The specialist ran some more tests of his arteries and found that one of his carotid arteries is completely blocked and the other is actually forcing blood to run in the opposite direction. Because of this, his body created extra blood vessels. Some of this has helped him to stay alive longer, but the doctors are so puzzled as to why he is still here. I know why. Because he is being given more time. I keep telling him this. I tell him, brother, I have discernment. Believe me. I wrote him a letter this week, told him again how he is loved, gave him another chance to let the Lord in on his situation. I enclosed a plan of salvation this time, folded neatly with the words, "in case you change your mind". I'm getting bolder with him, but I feel God giving me the okay to do so. It's time.

I wrote a letter to my nephew as well, who turned 18 last month. He is from another brother, who until about 5 years ago had been taking a break from the family. So I missed out on 13 years of this young man's life. I dearly loved him the moment I met him. You can't get time back, that's for sure, but I have tried to keep in contact with him and because of my illness have missed out on some important things of his lately. Sometimes things just don't make sense to me at all. Anyway, I let him know that although our time was short, some of our best memories as a family were made with him. I told him I hoped that he would come back and visit and stay with us and I would keep him in cookies as long as he'd like. He's off to college to pursue engineering, and he's going to rock the world. My relationship with my brother has never been better.

I have been praying still for that last brother to come around.

And I wonder why I walk around with a heavy heart all the time....this world makes me feel as though time is short. Things in the family make me so frustrated and yet some of them just don't care or just don't get it. Some don't appreciate each other and still don't care to reconcile. I probably care too much and come off as wounded. Jesus cares about relationships. That's all that keeps circling in my mind. Satan would love to see them all fail. That also circles in my mind. If we are to be strong, we have to be united. World. Family. Everyone. I don't mean to sound like doom and gloom, but I have felt such a heaviness lately and it has not driven me to fear, but it has driven me to want to love more. Sometimes that gift of discernment can be a little unsettling, as my former pastor told me it could be. Sometimes there are things you don't want to know that you know.

Blessings.

Obsessed With Life

I used to think I was obsessed with death. In college I almost took a class called "Death Education". I was so curious about what happened at the time of death, not in a morbid way, but in a "wanting to understand' kind of way. I was always curious about what made people want to be undertakers. What a sad kind of employment/ministry.

The first death I can remember was a grandparent, although I didn't really know her very well, and I was very young. The next was a step-grandparent, and I sobbed uncontrollably in the backseat of the car on the way home. All I could remember were the one dollar bills he would peel out of his pocket and give me every time I would visit. And sadly, I have been to more babies funerals than I would like to count. At each death, I have to say I left wondering why each time. Even now, I still do. Death always leaves unanswered questions, which is why grief lasts for an insurmountable amount of time.

I'm not obsessed with death. I know that now. But I am concerned with what death leaves behind. I find myself reading obituaries of people I know and don't know. Sometimes it's random and sometimes it's intentional. I pray for the families and I look at what the world just lost in terms of a wonderful contribution. I see people go before their time (in human definition anyway) and I think, "what does that mean? Can we make that mean something?" So I read the obituary and I see a life well-lived and I let it inspire me.

Where in my life have I given up? Where did this person persevere where I have not? How strong was this person's faith when mine has not been? What did this person dedicate his or her life doing that I haven't tried because I'm too afraid to take a risk? How many people did this person touch that I have missed out on? It's not the degrees, the medals, the promotions, the titles, the groups they belonged to that impress me. It's the people they touched, the charities they cared for, and the families they loved.

I think we can all be inspired by those who have gone before us, whether we knew them or not, to live life to the fullest and to do the things we think we cannot! We only get one shot at this life. I once had a dear friend tell me she had a vision for my life. It was about 3 years ago at a Bible Study I was hosting at my home. She took me aside and said, "I just want to tell you I see you doing something with your photos. I see you with a book. With your writing and your photos. I know you will do this." I have thought about this over and over for 3 years. With God's help and anointing, I pray this will come to pass, because it was my dream too. I was just too afraid to take the risk and want something for myself. What's stopping me now? Guess it's time to listen to myself! Could I be rejected? Of course, but there's always Wal-mart, right? I can make my own book and it doesn't need to be published! It would be nice to share with others because children's books are my passion, but it needs to be God's passion for me. We'll see....

Anyway, don't be obsessed with death. Choose to be obsessed with living! Be inspired by those who have passed on and use their lives to be inspired and don't let their lives be forgotten. Honor them with the lives you lead and smile up at them and tell them you'll see them one day again and it will be a wonderful day of celebration when you do.

A Little Walk With Me

This was my surprise (sorry it's blurry) when I went out to check on my garden Monday morning. If you remember, I am a "finder of hearts". I believe they are intended for anyone who seeks them. 

It's about 75 good steps to the bean patch. I've been trying to be more physical since my back is sort of kind of maybe feeling a little bit better. :) I love fresh green beans. We were blessed to be able to give away 2 bags of our "firstfruits" to our parents and my sister. I love having a plentiful garden to share. And they all know who to come to for pickles and zucchini too! They are growing like crazy!  

The Butternut squash are looking good! I can't wait for fall harvest to put some "Sunshine" in the freezer for those cold winter days. 

The tomatoes are looking a little tired. I hear it's not a good year for them. Well, the tomatillos are looking good beside them anyway. Salsa verde is on the horizon and that makes us all very happy! The herbs have been wonderful, although I haven't been able to keep up the weeding. I love being able to pull fresh dill and parsley out for my salads, and Steve loves the rosemary, thyme, and oregano for the meats he grills. I think we lost the cilantro somewhere between the mint and something unrecognizable. That happens in August, i think!! 

My mom gave me this Hydrangea bush a few years ago. She was moving some things in her beautiful yard. I love her cast-offs! It is quite happy in my front landscaping. I love that some of the flowers are lavender and some are blue. 

The swallows have gone again and taken their little family off to see the world! So the sign has been moved and my front door is in use again. Yes, I closed off my entire front porch for swallows. Wouldn't God do that? Yes, he already does! He makes sure they are fed, doesn't he? And I kept the hawks away the best I could! :) 

Thanks for taking a little walk through my garden and out my front door with me today. I get a little lonely sometimes out here in the big woods! I get to thinking about that a lot. Though I don't use the term "best friend" (I find it really trite and exclusive), my oldest friend lives 3 hours away. When she comes to visit her hometown (here), she has to rush here and there to visit her parents (in their 80's and failing health), her husband's widowed mother (in failing health), her many siblings and their families, her husband's many siblings and families, and sees absolutely no friends. She has made no friends in the city they moved to a few years ago. We have been apart for almost 18 years. We have seen each other sporadically in those years, but it's never enough time. We talk on the phone every week, but true friends need more than that! We need each other's time. With kids and family and busy husbands and pets and houses to take care of, friends often get left behind. I should be sharing my garden with her, cutting my flowers for her kitchen, and sharing our teenager stories out by the pool. For some reason, distance has robbed us of that.

 See how one blog post turns into another with me?She is heavy on my heart today as I write this.  She needs prayer. Her husband has been working in another state for the past several years, keeping their family in limbo. They don't live together and don't see each other enough at all. It's why I don't push to see her when she's here. I want her to spend her time with her husband when he's home. Her desire is for him to find a job that would unite them all together as a family and bring them back close to their parents again, where they ultimately want to be as a family. I was talking with her about my garden this morning, but maybe I was thinking more about how she needs roots again. How she was uprooted and has never felt settled and able to flourish in the city they are in now. It's because they need to be a family all together in one home. Please join me in praying for that to happen. 

Life at the Lake

We had a nice quiet relaxing time at the lake this weekend. Although I miss my old active self, playing "no-rules" crazy badminton and squirt gun fights, and winning at horseshoes (yes, I did dad), it's okay to be quiet sometimes. When you're quiet, opportunities to experience nature just might happen. I saw "Jasper" the Eagle "teenager" and heard him squealing at his parent quite a bit. No pictures, though I could see him sitting upright in the nest. He's quite the unruly boy. (or girl, I suppose)

Like these Canadian geese, who saw me coming with my camera (not crackers) and came to check me out. They got closer and closer, then just sat there as if to say, "where are the goods, lady?" I honked at them, they honked back. The truth? We don't feed them because they are stinkers! They poo all over the beach and get sassy with kids and dogs. So we enjoy them from afar and call them peaceful.  Once in awhile we get a lonely loon at the lake, and that is really cool to hear. (Think On Golden Pond-love that old movie!)

The girls asked me to do their annual photo shoot in the field behind the cottage again this year. I do a shoot or two every year with them and although it's exhausting, I do enjoy photographing my girls. I don't take them to a professional for photos, which surprises a lot of people! I don't do a lot of things "other people" do. I've been blessed to have my own camera, though it's not the professional version I desire, and I have always loved photography. When asked why I don't turn professional, I simply reply, "it would ruin my hobby!" It's true. I did think about it at one time and even took courses, but once it felt like a job, I decided to keep it my hobby. I don't regret it. Taking pictures brings me peace and relaxation. I really need that outlet.

It was hard to pick just one favorite of my beautiful girls! They are fun to photograph and have been little hams since birth! They are so used to having my camera in their faces for every little thing. Back in my film days, the developing center at Walmart knew me by face and had my order ready before I got to the counter! I kind of miss those "film" days. That's another story....

I had a completely different post ready for today, but I guess it will wait for tomorrow! I hope you will tune in for my Garden post tomorrow. Unless something better pops up in my mind, of course.... :)

Blessings to you! 

Beautiful Sky

Another beautiful sunset behind the cottage this weekend...

I walked outside and I was glowing pink just like the sky... The light bounced off the field of Queen Anne's lace...

There are a lot of beautiful things in this world...

But the way God made the sky has always been my favorite thing about this world. And to think-heaven will even be more beautiful! 

Ann Voskamp

Amen to Ann Voskamp and her recent posts on our world. 

Questions for God

Have you ever wondered what you would ask God if you had the chance? Let's just say you've already passed out in sheer worship because you can't believe He is standing there! But now you're having a conversation. What's your question? 

I can't come up with one. Of course, I ask God questions all the time, but why is it if He were to stand before me, suddenly those questions would seem so unimportant?

Maybe because sometimes our "questions" are really complaints in disguise? Is there really a good question for God? 

I think I've got it. 

How can I be a better daughter to you? 

Will you help me serve you better?

And probably a statement. 

Thank you for loving me when I clearly don't deserve it. 

Amen. Let's bag the questions. We won't need them by the time we reach heaven anyway. 

Drive

On April 3rd of this year I was told not to drive until I was cleared by my neurologist. Can you imagine not being able to drive? We still had 2 months left of school, track practices and meets, guitar lessons, and that's just school stuff. Hair cuts, doctor's appointments, friend's houses, grocery shopping, and on and on I could go! 

Let's just say not being able to drive was more of a hardship on Steve than me. He was running himself ragged most days, late for work, rushing home from work, sacrificing time to give to these things that are usually my duties as a mom.  He's been doing all of the grocery shopping himself, but I should mention he has always enjoyed grocery shopping! He loves to cook, so he enjoys picking out his own ingredients. That part hasn't been so bad. I'm not sure I want that job back! Grocery shopping...yuk!! :) 

But today, I drove for the first time! The girls are helping their band director prepare for their week long band camp and needed a ride to and from town. I finally felt ready to do it, having stopped one of the drugs that zaps my energy so much. It felt great, and I smiled as my song came on the radio, "Overcomer", by Mandisa! I didn't sing along-I am still a little tired...but I'll get there again. 

So, you might be sick of your commute or your weekly grocery trip, but what if you couldn't do it anymore? I've learned to appreciate the mundane, ordinary tasks that I once took for granted. I never once dreamed that in the prime of my life I would not be able to do ordinary things! 

Seize the day. You never know what is right around the corner. Our days really are numbered and we need to treat them with care. 

I Stand

Met with the doc today. As expected, I am fine. The EEG report stands- seizures. Well, I've been working on accepting and coming to terms with that for awhile now. So, it came as just a confirmation of what God already whispered to me. I knew a long time ago, I just needed to accept it. It's not necessarily a sinister thing, but it's not the World Series either. It could be much worse, but for now it is not. 

As long as the medication keeps on working, I'm good with this diagnosis. He is treating my migraines differently now and also addressing the occasional depression that often comes with sickness. I expect that when my back injury heals and I can do things again, the depression will go away for good. 

In the meantime, I am continuing to praise God and wait to see what He's going to do with me next! I am trusting that this diagnosis will be used for good. It has to, right? 

"You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good..." Genesis 50:20

Yes, He does. 

Home Stretch

Heading back down to U of M today for my follow-up with Dr.Schultz. He will go over my last EEG report, tell me I'm fine, and send me on my way. That's what I'm believing today! 

It has been a long journey, a long visit in the valley, and a lot of wandering in the desert. No trail is without some poison ivy and brambles, and some journeys require more than a good GPS. 

God has been with me the whole way. I still don't understand the whys and I may never get to know. I'm still healing, and making adjustments, but I'm not doing it alone. 

LOVE. COMPASSION. MERCY

One of the things I've been putting into practice the last few days is something I have always needed from other people. My daughter, though now feeling pretty good, was feeling sad for awhile. I encouraged her to feel whatever she needed to feel, without telling her "it could be worse", or "others have it worse", or "you need to get over it", or "it will get better". Yes, all those things are certainly true. But were they what she needed to hear at the time?

A phrase that really kicks me in the gut is an innocent one, but it can hurt because it seems to invalidate or discount  feelings. "Talk about your blessings more than your burdens." Yes, we should do that! Yes, it's true! But sometimes the feelings need to be expressed in order for us to get to the blessing part. Sometimes the burden needs to be shared in order for us to learn from our hurts and disappointments. Sometimes that statement makes me feel as though I should just gloss over what has just happened or is happening in my life for someone else's benefit or comfort level. I'm the type of person who implodes. If I don't get the feelings out in the open, they not only cause health issues in me, they begin to affect the people around me too. Once out, I'm able to put them in proper perspective, move on, then share the blessing that has come from the burden. Please don't tell me to stuff my burdens. I may tell you to stuff your little sayings. :)

LOVE. COMPASSION. MERCY. Just a few of my favorite "sayings". I can't stand to see people hurting. People of any age or situation. It really doesn't bother me when people tell me they are hurting or have medical problems or in-law problems at all. In fact, my dream was always to be a counselor. Had I been able to pursue my dream, that might be what I would be doing today! Listening and helping to get people back on track! So why do people get so annoyed when others talk about their problems "all the time"?

It can be a perspective problem.. Maybe it's a tolerance problem. I once had an acquaintance who told me she thought anyone who had to take anti-depressants or had post-partum depression was just "silly". Another commented that she'd leave any Bible study that became a "therapy session". Yet another said that some people just come with too much "drama"! All of this may be true, but are we just being a little insensitive and impatient with people? Are we really all that put together that we can't tolerate other people's issues anymore? Is a friend going through a divorce too draining for us? I thought that's what we were here for? What if that Bible study is the only place she can unload? What about the woman at the well? Should we be annoyed with her too? Because sometimes I hear Christians pretty annoyed with her, even I get annoyed with her. What is wrong with us that we think people have to meet our standards before we can tolerate them? And, hey, by the way, I can be annoying. Can you? I'll bet on a rare day, you might be. Just sayin'.... :)

LOVE. COMPASSION. MERCY. Feelings are what they are. Sometimes we don't agree with what people feel. I certainly don't agree with 80% of what I hear most of the time when it comes to "feelings"! They are so fickle! But they are to be met with patience, and people need to be accepted if Christ is to be seen at all.  When someone loses a loved one, I have learned to meet them wherever they are emotionally. So why can't we do that for other situations too? Isn't that what helps people get through life? Knowing someone understands or at least is willing to walk through it with them? I hope we are quick to remember that sometimes someone's situation isn't one that we'd find ourselves in, but that we'd remember not to judge but to extend love, compassion, and mercy. Because it's what Jesus did for us in our mess.

Thank God he didn't get up and leave a Bible study because it became too full of drama for him, or stop his relationship with a friend because she made a mistake. He showed LOVE. HE gave COMPASSION. He gave MERCY, and he WAS and IS all of those things today so that we will give that to others.

Simple Love

On the family white board this week:

"God loves you more than anyone ever could"

That's truth! He loves us through Himself, and He loves us through our families, which includes little white dogs named Angel...who cuddle on makeshift beds and heal mending hearts.

Natalie has been needing extra love lately. She had it last Thursday when she walked back through the door and her sister and I embraced her. She got it from  her youth leader Tasha, her daddy, and after a few secret text from interfering mom, her dearest friends. :) She got it from strangers (to her) who lifted her up in prayer because they know and remember what a broken heart at 16 feels like. She got love from grandparents, my close friends, and her aunt, all who cherish and protect my girl. 

She has been perking up considerably! We took her shopping and after the trip she hugged me and told me she was okay. She told me she had been feeling God's presence a lot, even before the break up. I had been praying a lot before that too...so much power! She is so mature and full of grace about everything that happened. She's so much more evolved than I was at that age. She is ready to put it behind her and move on and do what's best for her! Wow! 

One of her besties showed her some love at youth Sunday night as she shared her testimony. The basis of her testimony was meeting Natalie, and having her as a friend. She said Natalie has always been there for her no matter what and has always been a positive influence on her. As Natalie tearfully relayed this to me last night, I saw even more cracks healing in her heart. 

See, it doesn't matter who broke our hearts. Only God can mend them. He might use other people to help, but as you can see, the special people he appointed to help Natalie through this all love Him. Wow. So if the boy never does anything to fix it, it won't matter. She'll be whole anyway! Just like the people who never tell us they're sorry. They're not the ones who would heal us anyway. 

Thank you God and appointed people for love. Simple and true. Easy to give. Easy to do. Powerful and forever! 

Love in Order

About a week ago I felt the kids were getting their "Faith Family Friends" priorities a little out of order. I was tired of trying to make points and getting frustrated and trying to fight for family time. I ended up in tears one day out of sheer frustration, wondering if I could even make them care or understand anymore. After all, kids are pretty pliable and content to go along with whatever the family does until something happens....the teen years. Puberty. The whole independent, wing-flapping, tongue-wagging, brain not fully formed yet, self-gratification,me, me, me, and some more me time in their lives. It happens to the best kids and yes, even you so-called righteous parents. Be warned. Put your hard hats on. 

Ah, yes, it is temporary, but like any teenado (as I'm calling our storms lately), they aren't without some kind of destruction. It is a time of exploration in a world that has been deemed by us to be mostly unsafe and off-limits. Sigh. Eye-roll. Shrug. Huff. No, you're not watching that. No, you're not doing that, going there, wearing those, and on and on the list of "nos", until they are sure we want them to live in a bubble for the rest of their lives. I find it a little comical actually, because we actually feel we negotiate and compromise quite fairly so that our kids don't feel sheltered and overprotected.  But we draw our lines at things that we feel dishonor God and them and our family values. Do we care that some of their classmates are watching R-rated movies and they can't? "Mom, I feel like such a baby sometimes." Sorry, daughter. We have our reasons. So and so gets to do this and that...yes, she does. Do you want to be her? The answer? No...boundaries, my dear. They are there to protect you, not to smother you. In due time, everything has a season and a time. Why do kids want to rush everything these days? They are doing what adults are doing at such young ages. Why be in such a hurry? 

I tell my daughters to take their time in life. To be kids as long as they can because adulthood is right around the corner and it's forever. It doesn't end like childhood. Please be little as long as you can... Trust me, sweet eye-rolling creature with the wet wings and milk mustache...

So, I was concerned about their order of priorities and wrote this on the family white board one day: 

Love is putting others ahead of yourself. 

Who knew just one week later I would be showing Natalie those words in action. The breakup with her boyfriend has been very difficult on this tender-hearted daughter of mine. I have been spending every moment I can with her since that day, encouraging and building her back up. On Friday I made her breakfast, and with a smile on top of my badly aching back I said, "what can I do to make you feel better today?" She answered, "I would like to take a long walk today." Yikes. Ok, back..we gotta pull it together, I told myself. "Ok, we can do that," I told her.  Well, instead of the walk, she ended up helping with some game prep for the youth retreat she ended up missing, so my back got a break, but I was willing! I asked her then since she didn't feel up to going to her retreat, what could we do on Saturday. She answered, "shopping." I took a deep breath. Since being so laid up, I haven't really left the house! The last time I went shopping I had a panic attack and ended up in ER. So, bravely, I said, "Well, I'll be honest, it's going to be hard, but I will try. I can't guarantee a big trip at the mall, but I can handle one store." 

She agreed to one store, and I did fine. I did better than fine! Steve waited out in the mall while I helped Natalie shop, then I encouraged her to go to 4 other stores! And I did great! Praise The Lord. We even went to our favorite place for dinner and then to Wal-Mart and bought a stack of movies to watch to pass some time. We laughed, goofed around in the toy department, and for a day it just felt perfect. If it just wasn't for that girl's broken little heart...

But we'll get there...God hears our prayers and those of the ones who lifted her up at our request. Thank you so much for understanding that these things are just as important to her as the big things in life are to us adults, and it's all important to God. We feel blessed and privileged to stand in His presence and ask for anything, knowing He cares for us so much. 

Love means putting others above ourselves. Sometimes learning that lesson involves action, and my prayers to God a week ago have been answered in the most unusual way. A break up, a hurt back, a trip to the mall, and more to come. I can't wait to tell you the rest of the story. Be blessed.