Happy Cappy

If you are current on your Super Hero knowledge, you will know that the "real name" of Captain America is Steve Rogers. 

That just happens to be my dear hubby's name too, and he is our family's very own super hero. 

Today is his birthday! Serena, my resident baker, and I, whipped up and decorated this Captain America cheesecake "shield". Steve loved it, and even though we haven't been up to going shopping for gifts yet, he enjoyed the gift of just being home with us. Soon we will take a fun trip to Cabela's and let him loose! :) 

He is such a great guy. He has been my best friend for 25 years, and my hubby for 20. We have been through a lot together, and I am so proud to be by his side every day, just doing life together. We laugh a lot and have so much fun and I pray we get a lot more years together. He is as close to a saint as they come in my book. 

Happy birthday, my love! 

Thawing

Thanksgiving will be a little different this year. It won't exist. My mom and I, along with my sister, decided we're not celebrating it this year. At first my mom had announced, quite surprisingly that we were going to decorate her Christmas tree that day. At the time I thought it was probably a way she was hoping to cope with the day, but I wasn't sure how I was going to cope with the day, and the tree wasn't going to help.
It turns out these past few days have hit us all very hard again, and the addition of the holiday and the holiday season in general just isn't helping at all. We decided that while we are thankful for our many blessings, what we need most is rest. And a break from the trappings of holidays and "must-dos".
I offered to have them over for "dinner" on Thursday, but not for Thanksgiving. I will not be decorating the table like I usually would and I will not be making the usual efforts of a normal Thanksgiving spread. Mom is bringing her turkey and famous stuffing, but I assured her we are not going to make a "big deal" out of dinner. I'm not even going to set the table! And believe me, that is hard. But I will do anything to make us all feel a little bit better.  I may even wear my sweats. Maybe I will even wash them. A treat these days.
These past few days have been like being thawed out slowly and having the horrible feeling come back in.  I honestly blamed it on my hormones (not getting any younger here), and on my already-diagnosed depression. But then I talked to my mom and my sister, and they were also both struggling terribly. We didn't share with each other because we were trying to spare each other. I guess having not walked this grief walk before, we just don't know quite how to navigate this together yet. We've lost people, for sure, but this one is different. Much different.
Tomorrow I venture out and try again this week to get a hair cut. I hope to be able to sit there and not break down.  I hope to be able to make it through a store without wanting to rush out of it. I hope I can pull off this "un-Thanksgiving" dinner gracefully. I hope I can get through today, this minute, and the next. Intact, and thawing.

Pain

I'm not sure what happened, but the loss hit me like a ton of bricks again on Saturday and I find myself feeling fresh grief all over again. 

I had already been fighting clinical depression prior to this and was managing without medication. Not anymore. It's just not a good idea for me to be so down and continue to spiral. 

So I ended up with a viscous migraine all night and Steve stayed with me today. I hope tomorrow is better. 

It's obvious my body is manifesting how I feel inside. Not just for me, but my empathy. 

Lost Blessings

In cleaning out my closet, I found a "blessings journal" from 2007. Hoping to be encouraged, I opened it. As I read, I was sad to see I had lost many of the blessings on my list. Including the name of a previously close friend. 

I will not be writing my blessings down anymore. I will be thanking God for them instead and praying there is a reason for lost ones. 

Not a good weekend I guess. 

Beautiful Sounds

All week I have watched Natalie working on her Physics project. The assignment was to build a musical instrument. It is independent study, so all work has to be done at home, obviously. 

She started out building a thumb harp, but wasn't satisfied, so she decided to build a glockenspiel. 

She and dad retreated to the basement where they measured out the pieces and started putting it together. 

Sounds easy? Not at all. Each of the copper tubes had to be cut to a certain length based on a mathematical formula that she had to figure out. Blech! 

She then cut the pipes as accurately as she could to get the best tone. 

Attached them to nails with colored rubber bands (coordinated, of course), and when it was finished, she played a whole bunch of songs! 

That girl is way cool!! I love having musically inclined kids in my home. And maybe an engineer in the making too? 

Value

I'm going to TRY to get off the grief train for all our sakes...just a bit, if I can make it.

A few months back, dear hubby received one of a few prestigious awards given at work. It was quite a shiny bauble. He brought it home, showed it to me, and told me of its significance. It was neat how it reflected the light, looked all "important" and stuff. :) He stuck it back in the box and I think I put it in our home office on our desk because it was probably in the way in the kitchen, as most wayward things become.

A few weeks later, he came home from work and said, "Hey, I need that box. The boss wants to know why I don't have that on display in my office. I said, "Oh, okay, let me go find it." " Too funny, right? A few days later he brought it back home and said something about, "The new office won't have walls anyway, what's the point of having stuff like this around? I can't have my family pictures anymore, so why have this around?" I laughed, because it's so true!

So I took it back out of the box, and I stuck it in our bookcase on a stack of books just because it kind of looked cool there. But then I began to add more stuff to the bookcase like my nephew's new senior picture, and now a nice picture of my brother and his son. Guess what? Those family pictures have covered up that bauble. We can't even see it behind all of those precious rewards of family pictures.

I guess they should have let their employees keep their walls. Maybe then they would see what they really value in life.

Hmmm?

One of Those Days

I am reading the book of Job again and I told my sister to do the same. Why? Because we both feel pretty beat up today. Things just keep lingering and some things just aren't going away that we need gone for good. That dark cloud keeps pressing in and we are trying hard to press in and endure, because we know that's what will make us strong, but oh, are we weary....

And those tears just keep dropping and those answers aren't coming. We feel powerless. We want to be a light but feel snuffed out. 

I told you yesterday. This grief thing has it's days. 

Getting There

For the past two days I have left my TV and radio off entirely. I still have access to my phones because I am needed by people, of course. I decided I just needed some quiet time. That quiet time didn't really go as planned, but it's okay. It was filled with necessary conversations with people I care about. I reconnected with a friend who lost her father last year and is still struggling with depression. I spent time talking with my sister, my mom, my dearest oldest friend 3 hours away.

I printed a few pictures of my brother from our trip to the cottage last year. I put them in a frame next to his oldest son's graduation picture. I put his business card in a treasure box. I lit a candle. I started a private facebook group called "Remembering Jeff" for my family and Jeff's friends to have a place to post their thoughts and pictures and share their hearts. I sat down and did what my mom asked me to do. I wrote my brother's obituary.

I sent texts to his wife and both sons and assured them I was thinking of them and lifting them up in prayer. One is back to college, heading back into his vigorous engineering program. One back to his 6th grade class. They replied to my texts, a simple, "thank you". I can't even imagine how their life has changed. I can only pray blessings upon blessings will come to them.

I penned a letter to my oldest brother, who is broken-hearted, still physically ill after his surgery, and now emotionally wrecked, wrestling with his emotions, not knowing how to express them, where to put them, who to trust. His coping skills of the past have involved substances and anger, not the ones that I have suggested and prayed for over him. I fear he won't find comfort. His heart may become even harder. I now know the reason my notes to him were becoming more and more intense. It wasn't about him. It was about our Jeff.

I sent my Bible study notes to my sister, who struggles with self-forgiveness and letting go of the past, as we all do at times. The reason I have notes on that is because I struggle there too. In times of loss we all have feelings of misplaced guilt. We all need to be reminded that God can absolve us and forgive us if we only take it to Him and leave it there, trusting him with our pain.

I set up a special place to pray so that I can't possibly forget, and I've decided that I don't want to pray out loud anymore. I will now pray in silence. I want to teach myself to hear God better and sometimes I talk too much. Maybe I'm also afraid that the enemy is listening. If this is wrong thinking, I would love opinions on that. I've heard differing thoughts.

I have asked my oldest friend Patty, who is more like my sister, to make homemade cards for my nephews so I have something special to send them each week in my handwriting. She was our next door neighbor growing up and Jeff played with her brothers. So, it's special to me to have her make them. I'm doing what I can to be proactive. I fear the day I run out of things to "do".

Grief doesn't stay with one person. It is shared. Just when you think you get a handle on it, someone calls you in intense pain and needs to be comforted. That's why it is so important to know God. I don't know how others were able to walk into that funeral home and see what I saw without knowing God and His plan. I only know how it was possible for me. Because seeing the pain around me was not all there is to it. Knowing my brother has seen Jesus gave me great comfort. Knowing I will see him again gave me peace. I'm not saying it was easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I still have bad days and will probably go back and forth for awhile, especially if I know my nephews are having a hard time. Because grief is shared. And if they hurt, I will hurt too. Because I love what my brother loved and I will do what he would want me to do.

Thank you to those who have held me up through this time. Your comments and encouragement have touched my heart. I have shared them with my sister, who was very touched by your words. I am thankful for those God has placed in my path.

Overwhelming

The thought I woke up with this morning...

Why I find forgiveness such a challenge:

1. The person continues to offend blatantly 

2. Because I continue to have better expectations of that person, I continue to be disappointed

3. My disappointment leads to more frustration

4. Because I can't avoid the offender(s), I feel like I am constantly their target- just waiting for the next attack

5. My expectation of better behavior then turns to an expectation of typical behavior

6. I remain disappointed, hurt, angry

7. I can't forgive so I remain indebted to anger and a prisoner to that person

Sigh...as if I don't have enough to deal with right now. 

Funerals bring out the best and the worst in families, and unfortunately there was some of the latter. When you have divorce, you just know it's coming. When you have people who are incredibly self-centered, it's coming. When you have people who lack compassion, love is not present. People get hurt. It stinks and I'm tired of it and I don't know how to forgive it anymore. 

It is overwhelming. 

Another Goodbye

I can't believe it. Another sudden death in the family. Steve's aunt Sue passed away this afternoon. She was a sweet wonderful lady who always took a special interest in me and the girls. 

Sadly, we found out about it on Facebook. :(

Not sure what all of this means, but we have another funeral this week, and I'm still reeling from my brother's last week. I haven't even dealt with all of it yet. 

Help. Again. Help. And when does life get better? When?? 

Loss

Night time is the hardest....:(

Hunting in Heaven

November 15. Opening day of firearm deer season. Means nothing to me personally. Two or maybe more reasons: I don't hunt. I don't ever care to hunt. I don't like venison and never have. My husband quit hunting because he lost a little desire for it. He now assists those who are just starting out-teaching them the art of tactful hunting. Yes, tactful. He has never shot a deer off a feed pile, which he does not believe in. He also won't shoot just to shoot. He won't shoot if he can't get an instant kill, and he has always prayed over his deer, thanking God for each one he has ever given. He is my humble hunter, never chasing after "the biggest rack". That's why I have enjoyed it when new hunters (friends or family) have gotten their first under his care. 

Last year he took Serena hunting. I think they did more snacking than hunting, and that's actually what meant the most to her. Daddy actually packed chicken legs for her! Who needs candy bars? :) 

He had spent weeks with her teaching her gun safety and shooting practice, but when it came down to it, she wasn't interested in the kill at all. 

Because the real fun is in the hunt after all. The time with dad and the love and lessons she received and gave back. 

My brother Jeff was a hunter of all kinds and I enjoyed hearing his stories. In fact he and his son had a wonderful time at the family cottage last fall checking out spots to hunt. They were two city boys living off the land and loving it. I am so glad they took the time to do that. They had planned on being there again this fall. In fact, After consulting with Jeff about some problems we were having with the neighbors up there, he told me which tree he would have put his stand. 

If the things we loved here are magnified in heaven, then Jeff is surrounded by wildlife and the best hunting property he could ever see. 

That is the only thing bringing me comfort is imagining my brother in heaven, being loved by Jesus, reunited with his family. And now today I picture him hunting in heaven. 

Tired

I don't know what to think. I have been praying for the unity of my family for years. I pray daily for their protection. For salvation, for health, for our families to be united as one. I pray and say their names one by one. Somehow I thought this was going to lead to something miraculous. 

I have felt called to be a peacemaker, and have often put myself in the position of encouraging one family member to go to another and ask forgiveness if necessary. I have seen relationships repaired. There have been some blessings. For some reason I thought this was the beginning of something more beautiful. 

But it has not been that way. Time and time again things keep falling farther apart, not closer together, and our unity is seen at funerals. 

I don't know what to think. Am I asking for too much? I didn't think God had limits. 

We are a tired family. 

Just being honest. 

That's what grief is. 

Grief Stuff...because I'm honest

I just read on an on online grief support group that siblings are the most overlooked when dealing with the loss of a sibling. The focus is on the spouse, children, and parents. 

We have a history with our siblings that no one else shares and we may carry our grief a bit longer than "normal" because we don't get the comfort we need. 

Interesting. The most support I have received has been obviously through my own flesh and blood family, my husband and daughters, my close friends, online friends, but some people, a very large close group, in fact, are glaringly missing.

That hurts. 

Just needed to express that.  

Today is my mom's birthday and she is saying goodbye to her son. I have no words. 

Untitled

On our way to say goodbye...

Help

I can't believe I have to type these words today. I'm still in shock. My brother Jeff, while working in the garage with his son, collapsed, and passed away. He was 50. The tears won't stop. My family is wrecked. His wife and sons, ages 11 and 18 are too. 

We can't tell my oldest brother, Tim, because he is still dealing with illness after his heart surgery. In fact, he is being hospitalized for the second time since the surgery as we speak for fluid in his lungs. 

My great niece had 2 seizures on Saturday and is getting an EEG today. She is 7. I will be canceling my own follow up trip to Ann Arbor this week. 

Yes, God has given us more than we can handle. We are at a loss. 

Help. Jesus. 

A Little More Him

Holding on to James 1:2-4 today: 

I know better than to complain, but some days I feel a little more human than others, sorry. 

Lots of Jumbled Things

I have had a touch of some kind of virus this past week, which hasn't been fun at all! So, I haven't had a very productive week. Again. 

It seems I get a few steps forward only to fall firmly back. I have been sick for 8 months now. Wow. Who would have thought I would ever be saying that, let alone living that? What the whaaaat?? As my kids would say...

My life, though I am continuing to look for and see glimmers of hope, is certainly not the full and joy-filled life I would like to be living right now.  I am being honest in saying I am not very happy right now. But I don't have a lot of choices. I have to suck it up and take it like a champ. Whatever. 

So, hubby did a wonderful thing for me last week, knowing how much I love and miss photography. He got me a new printer and lots of photo paper and ink. On the one day I felt sort of okay, I printed photos like crazy! I changed our whole gallery wall, taking it from old to current pics of the girls. It gave me a little hope. I'm a pretty good photographer. I love art and creating things. I so miss my scrapbooking...I miss more things than I can count! I miss hope...

I miss me. I have been so caught up in just trying to keep my head above the water with my health. It is hard to enjoy life that way, clinging from one good moment to the distant next. 

I miss browsing in stores...picking out my own "stuff", meeting a friend for coffee. Those days feel so far gone. Those "friends" moved on. Life has definitely changed for me. It's hard to keep up when everything is moving but you. 

Yet I keep thinking these changes must be for something good, because God would not allow me to miss out on life for nothing. He didn't promise I would be happy, though I'm sure He would like that for me. He does assure me that I can still have joy, which is better. No one said it feels better, by the way. Feelings have nothing to do with it! 

So I have my writer's cabin in place, my new printer, and thousands upon thousands of photos to print....I just need to feel well! And I would eventually like to return to my life...shopping, dining, laughing, going to shows, traveling, being part of a church, etc... For some reason, when these seizures started, I began having anxiety attacks. Now that anxiety is threatening my joy. The "old" me is fighting to get out, saying "what the whaaaat?" Who are you?? It's a very strange thing to not recognize yourself suddenly. I have pulled back from everything I used to find familiar. It must be how foreigners feel in a strange country. I am a foreigner in my own town and in my own life. 

And I keep praying for my citizenship to be renewed. 

Is he or isn't he? None of our beeswax sometimes...

I'm glad I found this! 

It bothers me greatly to hear people discussing this in certain circumstances-which I won't even discuss here myself. 

Anyway, thank you C.S Lewis. This is brilliant. 

One of those Days

If only this was true...

Or it IS true, just not for everyone. 

One thing that bothers me in "families" is favoritism. Maybe Facebook has done it's job of showing just how negative it can be by revealing whose kids are favored in the family and whose kids get ignored. 

Can you guess which ones get ignored? 

Oh well, guess it's that time again to put on my kindness and humility and gentleness and explain forgiveness to myself and my kids once again. And stay off Facebook or block those who continue to ignore us anyway. At least then it can't bother me anymore. 

I really hate it when I have an all day migraine. No sleep and too much time to stink-think. Sigh. And pain is the enemy's tool, I think. I sure hope today is a better day. 

I can do all things through him, who strengthens me...Phil. 4:13

2 Corinthians 10:5...and make all my thoughts obedient to Christ... 

Petty Arguments

I just finished reading a blog post that I thought was rather humorous. It was obviously (as I thought) meant to be entertaining. However, his commenters must have been reading a different piece! Some "got it" and left a "ha ha-good one" type comment on this Christian speaker's post. Others went in a completely different direction and suddenly the commentors began fighting! Some of the comments were quite combative and began using colorful language. Again, a Christian speaker's blog on a very light and innocent topic! 

I'm not sure why these things even happen, but the one that saddened me the most was the person who said, you people make your faith look like a joke! Wow. They were right! Everyone getting all judgy and nasty, going all "Old Testament" on each other on this man's post. Crazy!  I'll bet you're wondering what this guy was talking about to get all these people so mad?? 

Elf on the shelf. Yup. You heard right. He was making a joke about how hard it was to keep up with the tradition of hiding the elf and "competing" with the parents who go over and above his efforts of the mundane things his own elf does. It was much like my joke each year of writing the "perfect Christmas letter", where the 10 year old has just received his doctorate and the 7 year old is singing at Carnegie Hall. Again. So yeah, that kind of silly. 

And yet it turned into a mud-slinging contest because someone didn't take it in the spirit in which it was written. How very human. And then there were those who told those humans to "lighten up" in a not-so-loving way. How very Christian of them. Not!! Silence would have been most effective and yet no one likes that tool. 

We all cry, we are Americans. We can say what we want. We have free speech. First amendment. I say, sure, you can go with that. Or you can go with the fact that you have two ears and one mouth and that has nothing to do with any of those things! 

Be kind. Be free to speak. But do so in love and with respect. We can all agree to disagree. 

P.S. Elf on the shelf is coming back to our house soon. It's only his second year. He only comes to have fun. He doesn't care what the other elves are doing! He's pretty secure! ;)