Hidden Blessings

If I've never gotten the meaning of Christmas before, I really get it this year. 

I'm usually in a flurry of activity in December, and it's all about shopping for the perfect gift, baking the favorite cookie, making the candy, going to this event or that event, and "keeping traditions alive". I am known for my cute Christmas card photos, with the girls all cute in matching scarves, and the dog in their arms. Not this year. No photo shoot. I printed a handful of cards for special people and used a favorite photo from a trip to the summer cottage. A time when we were all happy. 

 Well, since spending my spring and summer and a good deal of my fall trying to recover, and then losing my brother suddenly, none of those so-called "necessary" things mattered to me this year. In fact, when Serena became very ill this past weekend and the doctor feared mononucleosis, I simply said, "well, healing is the most important thing. We will stay home for Christmas."  

When we learned my newly widowed sister-in-law and my 2 nephews were going to be alone for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, we agreed to put off our family party anyway so my parents could go down and spend the holidays with them, at young Justin's request. 

Well, now my mom is sick and it's looking like all trips and celebrations are going to be delayed anyway. 

As I drove into town for something today, I was doing some praying, and one thing jumped out at me. I found myself thanking God that Christmas could be celebrated every day, that the gift of his Son was the Gift that keeps on giving anyway. Why we put all this pressure on one day bewilders me. We get so stuck on tradition and "having" to do it this way or that way that we forget December 25 is just a chosen day to celebrate. 

Like my girls said, why on earth is Christmas during flu season anyway? There is no snow in the desert. None of this makes sense! ;) I love it! I agree. Aren't the roads always messing things up too?? We are supposed to get a little yucky weather when??  You guessed it- Christmas Eve and Day! 

So, our plans are a little messed up. But I assured my girls of these two things: we will honor the birth of our Savior, first and foremost, by not focusing on all the wrong things! We will be grateful for our blessings and for who we get to spend the time with, and for the hope of the time we will get to be together. I regret that the last Christmas I got to see my brother was 2 years ago. He never did find the time to come up last year. He was too busy. But I am grateful that when he did make the time to come (sometimes last minute), I dropped everything to come and see him. And I took pictures, even though it annoyed him. And because I did that, we have a nice family picture of all of us. The only one ever taken. I cherish it. 

Blessings. Hiding among sickness. Hiding among missed parties. Messed up plans. Hiding in unexpected loss. Coming out of ashes. We can fight our circumstances or we can ask God to help us find the hidden blessings in them. 

And if we really think about it, we can always have it a whole lot worse. 

Merry Christmas....Happy Holidays...blessings to you! May love and peace overflow into your heart and soul and into those you love. 

Wrong Numbers

I've taught my daughters internet and phone safety, and they're pretty careful. Natalie is particularly wary of "creepers", since she seems to get the most wrong number calls on her cell phone. 

Now, this child is downright funny. I do not know where she comes up with this stuff. ;) When she gets a wrong number call, she will sometimes have a friend answer it because she is too scared. The friend will then tell her what the caller said. Instead of blocking the call, she will then label it. In one instance, she typed in "kid who calls me dad". Another one got named simply "weird guy". Now if these calls come in, she laughs and says, "hey mom, "kid who calls me dad" is calling! " she gets such a kick out of it! 

One day as I was getting ready to go somewhere, she came running into my bathroom with her ringing phone. "Mom! Mom! Answer it please! It's that number again! It won't stop calling!" A little annoyed, but feeling a little mischievous, I took her phone from her, and in my best British accent, I said, "Hahlloo?" I was quite surprised to hear an older gentleman's voice on the other end say, "Mrs. Thompson?" Choking back laughter, because by now Natalie was in a fit of giggles on my bed, I said, (still in composed British) "I'm so sorry, you hahve the wrong numbah." (I'm dying now) He paused for a moment, and I was sure the jig was up..."Ok, sorry", and thankfully he hung up before I blew my cover. It's not like I was lying. It was the wrong number, and I have a great British/English accent. I love tea and scones and hats. ;) 

"I am nehvah doing thaht again!!" I said to  Natalie, as I collapsed in laughter. 

And she typed in next to the stranger's number, "Man who asks for Mrs. Thompson". "Thanks mom, you were great! I can't believe you did that! It was so funny!" Yeah, I scored points with my teenager. 

So, a few weeks later, she comes running to me again. "Mom! Answer my phone! "Man who asks for Mrs. Thompson" is calling!!" Do your southern accent this time!! 

And no, I did not do that again. That girl needs to learn how to block numbers, answer her own phone, and Mrs. Thompson probably owes that man some money!!! :) Pay up, sweetie. ;) 

Strep Throat and Christmas

In our house, it just wouldn't be the Christmas season without some kind of sickness. :( 

I was up at 5:30 taking a temperature, and it looks like we will be heading into Urgent Care (our least favorite place). It's most likely strep throat. Sigh. Poor girl.

Hopefully we can squeak through the holidays and make all the once a year family gatherings. But I know how it goes... Been here before. 

We always have the best laid plans, but have to cut something, not do that last thing, miss out on something we wanted to do...always when it means the most to us.  We always give so much power to these last couple of weeks in December to "be Christmas" for us. As if the birth of Christ wasn't enough. We keep adding more and more "noise" to Christmas. 

But if we stop and really think about it, Christmas is quiet. Except for the exclaiming, it was a night of quiet wonder. It was peaceful. Now I don't want to miss seeing my family because someone is sick. That won't feel peaceful. In fact, missing out on seeing my brother's boys would be downright disappointing. 

So what to do? Because of that babe in the manger on that peaceful night, this crazed mother, worrying about fevers has a place to go with her concerns! It's prayer time! 

2014 has been a year wrought with challenges, almost since the day I hung the January calendar. And maybe it wants to go out that way too. I will be glad to see it go! 2015 is welcome to arrive with the theme I am giving it: Hope and Healing. Bring it on. 

Blessings! 

Concert Night

Thank you for praying my mom and I through the concert! No tears for either one of us. We both enjoyed it very much. 

I should mention that this concert has been our most anticipated event of the Christmas season! How terrible I was feeling to think that our grief would somehow tarnish this special night for our family. I didn't want to cry, but I didn't want to enjoy it. So conflicted. Then I thought of what my brother would say. Go and enjoy it. Don't cry about me! Get on with it!  He was a very no-nonsense kind of guy. 

Natalie's solo went very well, but they decided to cut their jazz set list from 6 songs to 3, cutting out Serena's solo. No worries. Plenty of time for that later!  Seeing my beautiful girls on that stage side by side in front of me was just what this broken heart needed today. 

I had some very enjoyable company beside me keeping me entertained, which was another of God's blessings today. 

Also, Steve started feeling ill just before we arrived at the concert hall and wasn't sure he would be able to stay. I started praying. I kept checking with him, but he was doing okay. I think it kept me just distracted enough....that and the pvc's I was experiencing again! So, thanks to God for distractions, lost tickets,weird heart blips, and blessings, right down to who he placed beside me. Thank you, Jen. 

And I thank Him for faithful friends who pray!! Bless you. :) 

Blessings On

One year my mom connected the basement Christmas tree to a "Clapper". You know, clap on, clap off, the clapper? 

It worked great until we all gathered for Christmas Eve. We soon realized that our loud laughter was turning the tree on and off...and on and off...and on and off! And the more it happened, the harder we laughed! And on and off went the tree lights... 

It's been awhile since we've had "that kind of Christmas", but we will have the blessing of a couple little ones coming this year (I hope). Little ones bring such joy to a room! 

I may just suggest she hook up that Clapper, and maybe I will invest in one myself this year. 

Blessings...always on. :) 

The Picture

I was at my mom's house just a few days before my brother passed, taking care of her dog. She was taking my other brother to Ann Arbor with a lung infection after his heart surgery. Something made me look up at this picture she had recently hung in her foyer. I'm the little one. Jeff is in the light suit, Tim in the dark suit, and my sister Lori in the back. 

I impulsively snapped a picture of it with my phone, and thought we were a cute bunch back then. I think I look to be about 3 or 4 here. 

This was just one of many "signs" that I felt, saw, encountered before my brother passed away that very weekend. 

I had recently thought about Jeff and his influence on my taste in music as I was baking one day. It came to me in a flash, and I remember thinking, "why am I thinking about this?" I was talking about him vividly the week before, which is not something I would normally do. I was planning to text him and ask him some travel questions, but never did. 

His friends were coming to my mind. I didn't know why. If anything, I thought I should have been thinking of my other brother who was having health complications after heart surgery. The one who was told "you might not survive this. You could stroke out. You could die on the table." Oddly enough I calmly told my mom one day, "God has given me peace about this surgery. He will be fine."

He is still doing well. 

But my seemingly healthy brother eternally rests. 

Why did I snap that picture? 

One day I will know. 

Right now it still makes no sense. 

Recharge

I am thankful for weekends with my family. It's like being able to plug in and recharge my weary battery! We were running all over the place on Saturday, with a bowling tournament and an evening parade. But when we got home, we were able to unwind and just "be". I had one daughter snuggled next to me on the couch, one on the floor by my feet, and the dog close by. Steve hasn't been feeling well, so he was stretched out in a chair relaxing, 

And just for a moment I was allowed to enjoy peace. 

We have a busy week, and one worry. The girls have their Christmas concert on Wednesday night. They both have solos. That's not the worry. My worry is that Christmas music has been making me cry lately. Even in the mall! Stinking violins! So...if you have a minute, could you pray that my tears just stay in my eyes until I at least get to my car? :) and if my parents come, my mom could use that same prayer. Poor lady. :( 

One Day at a Time

Just bought my sister's favorite candy for her, and saw Jeff's favorite candy beside it. Almost lost it right there in the store...

Challenges

It's been one of those weeks. I tried to quickly make a copy of a permission form just before leaving for school, and ended up with a major paper jam. The printer sucked in about 50 sheets of paper. I gave up on the copy and ran out the door. Well, I ran back in for something, nearly collided with a daughter, grabbed what I needed, and knocked a berry wreath off the door. Berries and sparkles everywhere! I tripped over the wreath, and my slip on shoe nearly slipped off, but I caught myself on the door frame, so I avoided breaking all my bones! 

Did I mention that I awakened to a flash of light? Oh yes. Serena tried to tighten a loose bulb in her ceiling fan. It broke in the socket, and shorted out the circuit in her room, and apparently the bathroom where I was trying to put in my contacts! On the way to school, I remembered that there was still a CD stuck in the player and all the dashboard lights are still on. 

All of them. As a friend put it, that's just a mean "Elf on the shelf" prank! Should probably get that fixed. Along with all the other broken things around here, like the burner on the stove that won't shut off, and the faucet that makes a waterfall, which soaks your socks. 

So when I came home and circled that indignant paper-sucking printer, my phone rang. It was my dearest friend, whom I speak to weekly. "My  tire is flat and I can't get the lug nuts off. My daughter's filling is zinging and the dentist isn't helping us, and we broke a light bulb in the socket and can't get it out." I smiled, and one by one... 

I helped her sort it out. Then I told her about an issue I had and she helped me with that. Then we laughed. And all the crazy just went away. Thank God for distractions in life. But thank God more for the friends who get us through the hair-pulling times. 

Are you wondering how I got all that paper out? Well, I started pulling and it was stuck. Really stuck. So I ripped each sheet out one at a time. Paper was flying everywhere, and I began to laugh at myself. I finally gathered up the huge pile of paper and disposed of it. I pointed it out to Serena, who couldn't believe the mess I made. So I took her in the office, where I noticed there were bits of paper still all over the floor. I said, believe it. Just follow the paper trail! 

Proud of what I had finally accomplished, I plugged it back in and turned it on. And it said the most indignant thing to me. 

"Clear paper jam". I can't see any paper in there. This could be a challenge. 

Here we go again. ;) 

Only

Its been 30 days without my brother. The only brother still raising kids at home. The only brother who ironically didn't have heart problems is the one who died of a heart attack without warning. 

It's been 6 years without my only uncle. 

It's been 7 years without my only Grandma. 

Though he is still living, my last Christmas with another brother was probably over 30 years ago. 

I have missed every Christmas with my nephew who died at birth, and also his sister, my niece, who also died at birth. 

The big onlys. If only, if only...

Family Christmases used to be so packed and full of laughter and fun. Until divorces changed the dynamics of the families and suddenly holidays weren't the same playful atmosphere. 

It's no wonder holidays don't bring some families the same kind of joy that they bring to others. There is such a heavy focus on "I'll be home for Christmas", when in fact, that's not true for many. Some people are battling not just family strife, but loss, illness, homelessness, loneliness, divorce, and on and on. 

What is the answer? I wish I knew a concrete answer for those hurting for any reason. But all I have are a few solutions for temporary pain relief. Here are some that work for me for at least some of those problems: 

1. Focus on taking care of someone else. It tends to take the focus off your own pain. Send cards to lonely people. Donate clothes to shelters. Call a lonely friend. Commit to sending a text a week to a teen you care about. Rescue a dog. You get the idea. This list is infinite! 

2. Remember you're not alone in your struggle. Someone has walked that already. Pray they reach out to you! Then you reach out to someone else. That's called ministry. 

3. Look for the blessings in your life. The things that are still there. Don't fixate on the things that are lost. Make a list of things you appreciate. Even if you start with "air, water, food, etc..." :) the list will grow as you realize how much you still have that is good. 

4. Take care of yourself. Exercise if possible. Go to bed on time, eat healthy, take outdoor breaks for fresh air as needed. If you work, don't "bring your work home with you". Allow home to be your sanctuary. Engage in a favorite activity often. Hug the one(s) you have near you. Your mailman might look at you funny. Or not. ;) 

5. Cry when you need to. Don't try to keep it in. Suppressed emotional pain will only be manifested later in your body. Tears are cleansers. Once you cry it out, you will feel better. 

6. Pray. Talk to God. Write letters to God, to whoever has left your life if you have unfinished business with them. Tell a trusted friend how you feel, get therapy if it helps you unclog your mind. Whatever is in there will come out eventually. The goal is to find a healthy path. 

7. Protect yourself. By this I mean stay away from anything or anyone that will not support you moving forward. Don't go knowingly into the "fire". For me, this meant not going to a funeral one week after my brother's. It turns out the same sad hymn was played, and it would certainly not have been good for me or anyone around me. Sometimes we have to know what is best for us without worrying about what "others will say". 

8. Trust. 

 You didn't like number 8, did you? For me, to trust God with all the loss in my life and why I didn't "get the life I always wanted" as a kid, I had to develop faith first. I am learning that faith builds from trials, just like we're promised in James: 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

James 1:1-3

So what do I need deeper faith for? So that my relationship with God will become more and more genuine and effective for His glory and service. So that the life I lead means something not just to me but to the people I affect. Hopefully so that they will see Him in me and be drawn not to me, but to God. That's the reason for trials. That's the reason for faith. 

That's the reason I didn't get "everything I wanted". But He still wants everything for me. Even on the days I feel empty and the stung of loss is cold. He is there, reminding me that He will sustain me. 

9. Hold on to God. It works for all of the above problems, even if you don't "see" it. 

Be blessed. Merry Christmas," Happy Enjoy Your Holidays "to All. ;)

May you all have someone to hug today. :) 

Merry Happy Enjoy Your Holidays

It's here again. The Christmas/holiday season, which, by the way, means Christmas and New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Just thought I would clear that up, since some don't realize that the word "holidays" is not meant to ignore, denounce, or diminish, or replace the word Christmas. It simply encompasses a holiday "season" of events. 

Every year, if you know me at all, I get a little annoyed at all the incessant complaining and rude commenting about this very topic. And who complains the most? Christians. Because for some reason, they believe that saying "Happy Holidays" is wrong for various reasons I won't mention here. 

So I'm saying it again. If you want to say Merry Christmas because that's what is in your heart to say, then please say Merry Christmas. But is someone says Happy Holidays to you, please don't be offended. Here is why:

1. They may just be referring to Christmas AND the accompanying New Year holidays.

2. Their religion is not the same as yours and it would be wrong for you to be offended by that. Unless you want them to be offended by yours. 

3. They don't even think about it. They are simply being friendly. They probably sit behind you in your own church. 

4. Just because you say one phrase, it does not make you "one way or another", and it comes across as judgy if you try to force someone to say it "your way" just to make you comfortable. 

5. It is very nice of someone to smile and say anything nice to you these days. Please take any opportunity to accept it and be kind. Don't take an opportunity to correct them. That's not nice. ;) 

So, those are just my thoughts, honest and forthcoming as always. Feel free to disagree. It is a free country in America after all.  To me it's not always important to agree or to get people to do what I think they should do. It's important that people feel good when you're with them and when you walk away. 

If that store clerk thinks you're an uppity person or a picky Christian, then your witness is ruined! Keep love in your heart and an openness that maybe looks like tolerance to some critics, but you know it's simply love. 

God knows your heart and whether you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, your heart is the same. They are words, don't get so caught up in fighting over things that don't need to be fought. 

Enjoy your holidays. Funny, that's what I always say. And I love Jesus like nobody's business. ;) 

Peace

This is a project I made on November 8th. I had a pile of birch slices left over from the coasters I made for family last year, so I decided to make a banner for my wall. It took me awhile to decide on which word to use- Joy, Hope, Love, Believe, or Peace. 

I stopped at Peace. Yes, that's the one I most need, I thought. That's the word I want to see on the wall as I think about Christmas and family and the last few months. My soul had lacked peace in all the struggles and ups and downs over the past few months, but I felt it slowly coming back, little by little as I had started to come out of my fog just a little bit. Yes, peace would be my banner.

For the first time in a long time, I sat and quietly painted and planned out this wooden banner. I made a list of some items I would need from the shopping trip we would take the next day, November 9th. I took that shopping trip, and halfway through, I felt uneasy and waited in the van for my family to finish. 

And ironically, that's the day I lost my peace. That's the day I lost my brother. 

And now I'm trying to climb back up that huge steep hill yet again, only this time it's different. 

I have an "unsolvable problem". No time, medication, or therapy will change this circumstance. This is a permanent change. I can't control any of it. Peace will come, but I can't force it. I can't "up the dose", "sleep it off", "change the course of drug therapy". This one requires God and God alone and only He holds the key to true peace. 

The banner of peace belongs to Him and He will bring it to me. He probably already is. But my idea of peace and God's definition of peace are completely different. 

Because He is God. And I am not. His timing. My timing. So very different. His ways and my ways. So unlike one another. But somehow I will recognize His peace when it comes, because when God fills a hole in you, you just know it.

You just can't explain it. It just makes you able to go on and love and accept and put one foot in front of the other. 

Peace. 

Peace. Please.

I was looking for a "throwback Thursday" photo to send to a high school friend of mine and came across 2 photos that started my flood of tears again. 

My brother and I on Christmas morning when it was just the two of us left at home. One of them was probably his last Christmas at home before he got married. I didn't even realize those pictures were in there. It took me by surprise and I cried like a baby. He left home when I was 13 and I really didn't get much time with him after that. He moved 3 hours away, and life went on. Some days I cry for what I miss as a child and some days I cry for what I missed as an adult. Some days I cry because not only do I miss him, but he didn't get to really know this little sister as a grown woman, wife, and mom the way I'd hoped he would. I'm glad for the past few years that he did get a glimpse and I'd like to think he was proud of me. 

It's almost been a month, but it feels like yesterday. I can't get into Christmas, knowing how bad everyone is feeling. I wish this was all just a nightmare and I would just wake up. I go back and forth between feeling at peace and feeling unrest. Up and down. Back and forth. Lost and found. 

This week has been really difficult, and none of us feel any better. I keep asking God for strength, peace, mercy, comfort, healing, grace, love...and He must be giving it but of course, we hurt. Nothing removes pain. Not for very long anyway. 

An actress I used to watch on tv as a teen recently lost her father, and she chose to share it publicly on her social media sites. One thing she posted touched me. 

"Just when you think you can't bear feeling this fragile, vulnerable, and teary, you remember that is exactly how God chose to first come to us"

                       -Lisa Whelchel

So that brings us to Christmas. The Savior Jesus. The reason we celebrate at all. And the reason we celebrate my brother in heaven because that same Savior met him in heaven and looked him in the eyes. Without Jesus there would be no connection to God. So however lost we feel without my brother, and however much we don't want to care about the "trappings" of Christmas, we have the Savior. That is our Christmas. 

I was told as much as I prayed one day in anguish. I said, "Father, how are we supposed to do Christmas now?" He gave me this: "Focus on me. Just me. Because it's nothing without me." It's true. I can "do" Christmas without all the things that "scream" Christmas in the worldly sense, because nothing whispers Christmas like Jesus. 

He whispers. Help my soul to quiet down so I can listen....help my brain to shut off those awful funeral songs...help my eyes to stop seeing those images...and for my other senses to just feel peace. 

Peace. 

Faraway but Near in Heart

I should have mentioned in my last post that I also find it both surprising and wonderful to have friends praying for me in Canada...not just recently, but for a very long time. 

Friends aren't always the ones who live in your vicinity. They are the ones who always "show up" no matter where they may live.  I have never met these two in person, but they have blessed me incredibly by praying for me. I recently had the pleasure of talking with Angela on the phone and she is as kind as her written words! 

Thank you Angela and Sir Norm...for always being the first two praying, or at least the first two to let me know. You should know that I also still pray for you. 

Thank you for following my journey and allowing me to follow yours. 

God bless! 

Love, it's Simple

Sometimes people are so busy "being Christian" that they forget to be like Jesus. 

I said that yesterday to dear hubby, as I explained to him who has been tending to my heart lately. 

Sure, there are some wonderful Christians who have reached out and let us know they are praying for us, and we feel that love. 

But it occurred to me that the two people (aside from family) who are helping the most are just ordinary people. Not "I'm praying for you" people (got those), but people who don't go to church, don't talk about their faith (though they believe), but they are just simply "there". 

There to talk about nothing or everything. There to say I'm sorry you are hurting or laugh at my silliness. There to reminisce about our high school days or talk about our kids. Not always about loss or grief. Sometimes we wonder why. Although God does come into the conversation once in awhile, it's a matter of letting Him handle it. In other words, these conversations are a very soft place for me to just be. 

Like Jesus is there for me. 

I really hope that I am that kind of person for others. That I don't just spout off Scripture, look or act the part, but am not present for that woman at the well, or for that man with leprosy, or for that friend in need. 

Some people do let their church, their faith or their religion get in the way of people. They claim to be holy, but don't want to get "dirty". God don't let me be like that. Ever. I have been let down the most by these people, these "friends", due to the wrong expectations. I don't want to do that. 

Because I see how these "ordinary" but extraordinary friends are filling my heart, just the way God has intended to use them. I'm not sure they've read anything in the Bible about humility or kindness, but they are true examples of how love changes people. 

Every person created by God matters. Every life has a purpose. No two people are packaged the same or speak the same way. It takes love to see beyond the package. 

And dear hubby said, Amen, and thank you PD for teaching us that not all Christians have to think or be the same to serve. 

Still Soft

I caught myself saying, "this has been a terrible year. I can't wait for it to be over."

And even as I said it, the reality sank in.

There are no guarantees. Though next year is Natalie's senior year and I want it to be "the best year ever", I can't make any promises. I can't stop any bad things from "messing" up my plans. 

I've seen too much of the contrary happen. A Dad getting killed in an accident 3  months before he was to walk his only daughter down the aisle..,mom dying of cancer leaving 2 young sons, a mom dying just before her kindergarten daughter stepped off the bus one day, a baby that never saw the light of day though his family waited with expectation and big plans. And my brother, dying suddenly in the arms of his son, leaving his two boys without their hero. None of this makes sense on earth. 

We aren't guaranteed anything. Not happiness, not ease of life, not a struggle-free journey. Sometimes we go through life without the people we love. Or sick. Or without the love we need. No guarantees. Nothing pretty about it, and yet, we can still have a beautiful heart inside. That's the good thing. 

And I won't sit here and fill you up with Christian-ese and tell you everything is going to be okay. Because  God has a plan and a purpose. It may be true, but tell it to the 11 year old with the baseball mitt in one hand and no dad to catch the ball. I can guarantee you, he won't "get" God's plan. That is of no comfort to him at all.  Even as adults, these things don't make sense. Time dulls wounds, but I doubt they ever really heal. Some things can only be healed in heaven. Sorry, but sometimes things are just not okay. And that's just the way it is. But your beautiful heart still beats in there. Broken, slightly beating, not okay. 

I can quote Scripture with the best of them. I have it everywhere. I pray earnestly every day with the most honest words in my heart. It does no good to "flower" them up. The God who made me knows what I'm going to say anyway and appreciates my honesty. 

I can feel depressed, I can feel diminished, at the end of my rope. I can feel stuck in the wringer. I get angry.

Yet I still turn to God and the first words I say each time I pray is this: 

"Thank you for this day..."

Even when I'm crying...angry...lost...so confused...

Because this is all I have. This day. And at the end of this one, it might just be better than yesterday. 

Remember-no guarantees. But no reason to fear the worst either. 

Somehow I'm learning to live in the middle of hope and reality-where I don't assume everything is going to be great, but I hope that it will be okay. 

It's been a pretty rough year, and I can't wait for it to be over...that is true. Because it's that much closer to the day we will all be in heaven together. 

Sometimes the picture in my head has to be that big to get through the day to outweigh the circumstances of the moment. 

Because just being a little "okay" is better than not being okay at all. It's called survival. 

I believe God absolutely gives us more than we can handle, and that trials are used for our benefit to strengthen us for His glory. How that figures into the "now" of the moment is a mystery. How it figures into children going through atrocious trials I will never know. 

What I do know is that life is more fragile than ever and what we say and do matters more than we realize. People are always saying "toughen up. Grow a backbone". I don't know. Might be true. Might not.  I sure wish more people would grow their hearts and show more compassion. Soften up. Love a lot more. 

It's been a really bad year...

But I'm still soft. 

Maybe I'm learning something after all. 

Blessed

This is my husband...

Last week I experienced a really rough wave of grief mixed with other "stuff", leaving me in quite a muddle. 

He decided to take the week off and work from home. 

I told him last night I would miss him hanging around, so when I got back from dropping the girls off at school this morning, this is what I found on the counter. He even added a little cologne...

That is my best friend. 

That is my husband. 

He is my blessing.

The one my soul knows.