Only

Its been 30 days without my brother. The only brother still raising kids at home. The only brother who ironically didn't have heart problems is the one who died of a heart attack without warning. 

It's been 6 years without my only uncle. 

It's been 7 years without my only Grandma. 

Though he is still living, my last Christmas with another brother was probably over 30 years ago. 

I have missed every Christmas with my nephew who died at birth, and also his sister, my niece, who also died at birth. 

The big onlys. If only, if only...

Family Christmases used to be so packed and full of laughter and fun. Until divorces changed the dynamics of the families and suddenly holidays weren't the same playful atmosphere. 

It's no wonder holidays don't bring some families the same kind of joy that they bring to others. There is such a heavy focus on "I'll be home for Christmas", when in fact, that's not true for many. Some people are battling not just family strife, but loss, illness, homelessness, loneliness, divorce, and on and on. 

What is the answer? I wish I knew a concrete answer for those hurting for any reason. But all I have are a few solutions for temporary pain relief. Here are some that work for me for at least some of those problems: 

1. Focus on taking care of someone else. It tends to take the focus off your own pain. Send cards to lonely people. Donate clothes to shelters. Call a lonely friend. Commit to sending a text a week to a teen you care about. Rescue a dog. You get the idea. This list is infinite! 

2. Remember you're not alone in your struggle. Someone has walked that already. Pray they reach out to you! Then you reach out to someone else. That's called ministry. 

3. Look for the blessings in your life. The things that are still there. Don't fixate on the things that are lost. Make a list of things you appreciate. Even if you start with "air, water, food, etc..." :) the list will grow as you realize how much you still have that is good. 

4. Take care of yourself. Exercise if possible. Go to bed on time, eat healthy, take outdoor breaks for fresh air as needed. If you work, don't "bring your work home with you". Allow home to be your sanctuary. Engage in a favorite activity often. Hug the one(s) you have near you. Your mailman might look at you funny. Or not. ;) 

5. Cry when you need to. Don't try to keep it in. Suppressed emotional pain will only be manifested later in your body. Tears are cleansers. Once you cry it out, you will feel better. 

6. Pray. Talk to God. Write letters to God, to whoever has left your life if you have unfinished business with them. Tell a trusted friend how you feel, get therapy if it helps you unclog your mind. Whatever is in there will come out eventually. The goal is to find a healthy path. 

7. Protect yourself. By this I mean stay away from anything or anyone that will not support you moving forward. Don't go knowingly into the "fire". For me, this meant not going to a funeral one week after my brother's. It turns out the same sad hymn was played, and it would certainly not have been good for me or anyone around me. Sometimes we have to know what is best for us without worrying about what "others will say". 

8. Trust. 

 You didn't like number 8, did you? For me, to trust God with all the loss in my life and why I didn't "get the life I always wanted" as a kid, I had to develop faith first. I am learning that faith builds from trials, just like we're promised in James: 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

James 1:1-3

So what do I need deeper faith for? So that my relationship with God will become more and more genuine and effective for His glory and service. So that the life I lead means something not just to me but to the people I affect. Hopefully so that they will see Him in me and be drawn not to me, but to God. That's the reason for trials. That's the reason for faith. 

That's the reason I didn't get "everything I wanted". But He still wants everything for me. Even on the days I feel empty and the stung of loss is cold. He is there, reminding me that He will sustain me. 

9. Hold on to God. It works for all of the above problems, even if you don't "see" it. 

Be blessed. Merry Christmas," Happy Enjoy Your Holidays "to All. ;)

May you all have someone to hug today. :)