Peace

This is a project I made on November 8th. I had a pile of birch slices left over from the coasters I made for family last year, so I decided to make a banner for my wall. It took me awhile to decide on which word to use- Joy, Hope, Love, Believe, or Peace. 

I stopped at Peace. Yes, that's the one I most need, I thought. That's the word I want to see on the wall as I think about Christmas and family and the last few months. My soul had lacked peace in all the struggles and ups and downs over the past few months, but I felt it slowly coming back, little by little as I had started to come out of my fog just a little bit. Yes, peace would be my banner.

For the first time in a long time, I sat and quietly painted and planned out this wooden banner. I made a list of some items I would need from the shopping trip we would take the next day, November 9th. I took that shopping trip, and halfway through, I felt uneasy and waited in the van for my family to finish. 

And ironically, that's the day I lost my peace. That's the day I lost my brother. 

And now I'm trying to climb back up that huge steep hill yet again, only this time it's different. 

I have an "unsolvable problem". No time, medication, or therapy will change this circumstance. This is a permanent change. I can't control any of it. Peace will come, but I can't force it. I can't "up the dose", "sleep it off", "change the course of drug therapy". This one requires God and God alone and only He holds the key to true peace. 

The banner of peace belongs to Him and He will bring it to me. He probably already is. But my idea of peace and God's definition of peace are completely different. 

Because He is God. And I am not. His timing. My timing. So very different. His ways and my ways. So unlike one another. But somehow I will recognize His peace when it comes, because when God fills a hole in you, you just know it.

You just can't explain it. It just makes you able to go on and love and accept and put one foot in front of the other. 

Peace.