My brother and I on Christmas morning when it was just the two of us left at home. One of them was probably his last Christmas at home before he got married. I didn't even realize those pictures were in there. It took me by surprise and I cried like a baby. He left home when I was 13 and I really didn't get much time with him after that. He moved 3 hours away, and life went on. Some days I cry for what I miss as a child and some days I cry for what I missed as an adult. Some days I cry because not only do I miss him, but he didn't get to really know this little sister as a grown woman, wife, and mom the way I'd hoped he would. I'm glad for the past few years that he did get a glimpse and I'd like to think he was proud of me.
It's almost been a month, but it feels like yesterday. I can't get into Christmas, knowing how bad everyone is feeling. I wish this was all just a nightmare and I would just wake up. I go back and forth between feeling at peace and feeling unrest. Up and down. Back and forth. Lost and found.
This week has been really difficult, and none of us feel any better. I keep asking God for strength, peace, mercy, comfort, healing, grace, love...and He must be giving it but of course, we hurt. Nothing removes pain. Not for very long anyway.
An actress I used to watch on tv as a teen recently lost her father, and she chose to share it publicly on her social media sites. One thing she posted touched me.
"Just when you think you can't bear feeling this fragile, vulnerable, and teary, you remember that is exactly how God chose to first come to us"
-Lisa Whelchel
So that brings us to Christmas. The Savior Jesus. The reason we celebrate at all. And the reason we celebrate my brother in heaven because that same Savior met him in heaven and looked him in the eyes. Without Jesus there would be no connection to God. So however lost we feel without my brother, and however much we don't want to care about the "trappings" of Christmas, we have the Savior. That is our Christmas.
I was told as much as I prayed one day in anguish. I said, "Father, how are we supposed to do Christmas now?" He gave me this: "Focus on me. Just me. Because it's nothing without me." It's true. I can "do" Christmas without all the things that "scream" Christmas in the worldly sense, because nothing whispers Christmas like Jesus.
He whispers. Help my soul to quiet down so I can listen....help my brain to shut off those awful funeral songs...help my eyes to stop seeing those images...and for my other senses to just feel peace.
Peace.
3 comments:
Beautiful words, Jami.
Hi miss Jami
May the Lord cover all the hearts in your family with His anointed oil and bring healing.
Yes, keep your eyes on Jesus this Christmas as it is His day that we give thanks for. We were given a Saviour and praise the Lord for that gift that truly keep on giving into our eternity. May you be filled with His peace.
Blessings
Jami, beautiful words. Grief comes in waves regardless of the season. Maybe this year, you as a family decide to do Christmas different so that you can honour how you feel and the focus on Jesus' birthday. May you be blessed. You are in my prayers always.
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