Roller coaster

I'm having a down in the dumps kind of day. My doctor told me it could be 6 months before I can drive again. My medicine makes me either anxious, tired, or irritable. Sometimes all at once. I was glad to be able to attend my daughter's band competition this morning, but it was difficult to be out and about and trying to function. To top it off, a friend of mine was there with her son and didn't give me the time of day. She has to know what's been going on, as our mothers are good friends. Her icy treatment of me has been going on for some time, but today was it. She showed me how much she was checked out when I barely heard from her last summer after Natalie's spinal surgery. I guess I am done with phony fair-weather friends for good. When people show you who they are, believe them the first time. 

I've been really struggling. I have felt alone, though my family is here with me. I am disappointed to learn people don't really care when you're hurting as much as you think they will or need them to. I have found that I really am going through this alone. Yes, my family cares and a couple of friends check up on me, but at the end of the day, I am alone. My thoughts invade, the aura feelings invade, I start to wonder if I'll be ok again...feel like "me" again. I go from claiming my faith and trusting in God to pure fear and  confusion. Feeling loved one moment to feeling alone the next. 

Welcome to the roller coaster of chronic illness, I guess. The good news is that tomorrow I will feel better. 

When a friend joked that she was feeling "old" (she's 10 years younger, gimme a break), I told her that none of this really makes me feel old. It makes me feel things that are harder for me to process- vulnerable and fragile. And that stinks because I think I'm a tough cookie. 

And the answer to all of these feelings? ( which are valid, as I reminded my hubby) God will work this out for my good because I love him and have been called according to his purpose. Good news from Romans 8:28, I am more than a conqueror. 

Which is why I will feel better. 

Thanks for listening.