A Little Friendship, A Lot of Work

"Be Slow to fall into friendship, but when thou art in, continue firm and constant." Socrates

"Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their work: If one falls down, his friend can help him up. But pity the man who falls and has no one to help him up! Also, if two lie down together, they will keep warm. But how can one keep warm alone? Though one may be overpowered, two can defend themselves. A cord of three strands is not quickly broken."
Ecclesiastes 4:9-12

I have to admit, I have few friends and lots of acquaintances. I'm not always happy about that. I'm a little down about a situation that happened with a friend recently, and I've been keeping it to myself out of a bit of embarassment, and possibly some anger/hurt. I'm sharing it in hopes that it will help me to overcome some of these friendship issues I have. And I know already that I really should talk to her about it, but we've gone down that road before, and it wasn't helpful at all.

We get together with a group of friends for an impromptu holiday party each year and it's something we all look forward to, especially the kids. Well, this year the date was chosen and it happened to be on a day we could not make it. I was disheartened, but I thought, well, these things happen. It's just that I hadn't been able to spend ANY time with this friend since she started a new job. I had been feeling so disconnected from her to begin with, and I was hoping to get caught up at our party. I know that I have told her countless times how much that party has meant to us, as being with that group makes it so easy for us to be ourselves. Deep down I was hoping she would want us there as much as I wanted to be there. Deeper still, I just wanted to make it on her radar!

She emailed me to tell me she was sorry we were going to miss it, and at that moment, I felt I'd lost her. I can't explain it any better than that. I just felt hurt. The "old" her probably would have tried to pick a better date. I began to run things through my mind, like, what if her "best friends" would have had a problem with the date? Would she have tried to change it then? Why did my head go there? Because it has always been this way. As much as I love and respect her best friend, I get very tired of being put back in my place. Does that make sense to anyone or is it just me? Because of this, I have never felt secure in our friendship. I know that my resulting defensiveness doesn't help her feel secure either. Then again, I'm not sure how much that really matters to her.

I wish I could be the kind of friend that I want to have, but to be honest, I don't know if I'm capable of that kind of trust anymore. Think what you want of me, I am just being honest.

I know two things. That no one can be a better friend to me than God. And that I should never be too dependent on people for my needs. I know this, and yet I see others having wonderful friendships on which they can depend. I know a third thing. That until I can trust someone and let them in, I am bound to be unhappy in my friendships. Thus, my friendship issues.

I also know that the more I focus on what I don't have, the unhappier I become. Ironically, my friend Patty seems to be more connected to her friends from Missouri than she is to me now. I don't think it's a coincidence. I think I've been pulling away for a long time now. I've tried to quit expecting so much from people, but at this point, I don't know how to be any other person than who I am. Too sensitive. Too whatever. Trapped in myself. Wanting to be what I need to be and taking forever to get there.

It really is no surprise to me that my true best friend IS my husband. Some women think that's a crock, but he was my friend way before he was my husband. No one knows me better, accepts me more honestly, and no one wants to hang out with me more! It just is what it is. Thank God. It's no coincidence that I trust him completely, then is it? I give him what I need in return. Now if I could just trust others....I don't know. It may be a long time. I haven't got it all figured out yet.

It may come as a shock to you that I would reveal something so personal and private, but maybe it will answer questions of your own too. I may be a nice friendly person who would do anything for anyone, but inside I am struggling to stay strong enough to do that. It's hard to explain. I'm sure I could pick out childhood reasons why, but I don't find it helpful to go back in time. I think I need to work on being more open, honest, and transparent in my relationships. What I should have said to my friend was, "hey, can't you change the date? I really want to come!" But what I was afraid to hear was her answer, which had the power to crush me at that moment.

I really am a bit fragile in the friendship department, so if you've tried to be my friend and I've pushed you away, I'm working on it! That is certainly the opposite of what I really need and want inside. Mostly I want to be a better reflection of Christ, and wasn't he the best fried of all? Yeah, I want to be that for you, and for whoever comes my way.