S.A.D

I always regret saying out loud that I am studying something new. As soon as I talk about weight loss, I gain. As soon as I begin a study on being positive, my acid tests begin.

I have had a week from you know where, and it's not funny. I am finding it hard to be humorous about anything that has happened. Some of it is just life's many annoying situations, and a couple of them are pretty serious and involve the health of 2 close family members. When I'm feeling strong and capable, I can handle these things. I haven't felt either of those things for awhile. Suffice it to say, I don't feel like "me" at all these days.

I have felt like a bucket of baking soda, and vinegar is slowly being added to me. I have felt helpless, angry, defeated. And that was all in one day!

I have struggled with anxiety and depression in the past, yet I haven't spoken about it candidly. I find that once you admit it, people begin to judge. People like to do that. Well, I'm here to tell you that things are not always as easy to judge as you think.

Some of us struggle with these things because chemically we get a little messed up at times. Sometimes it's a chemical thing, but then life gets a little dig in here and there, and it becomes a bigger thing. It really becomes a struggle to stay afloat sometimes. It is nothing to be ashamed of, yet it is a lonely place to be. Some of the hardest people to talk to about this are other Christians!

Does this mean I'm not close enough to God? That I don't know the Word of God well enough? That I don't appreciate my blessings? A resounding NO, and shame on anyone who judges another person who struggles with anxiety and depression. NO ONE knows how this feels until they've been through the fire themselves.

I have to ask God daily for grace. For peace. For lots of help! For tolerance of the things that are driving me bonkers! And He is taking me through the fire in His perfect timing, showing me what I'm made of along the way. Sometimes it doesn't feel like I'm made of much at all! I feel weak, but I know with God, I am strong! It is those promises that keep me looking forward and not giving up.

It is a conscious, minute by minute effort to focus on what I KNOW to be true, rather than how I FEEL. That is how difficult it has been. I want you to know that if you struggle with anxiety or depression, you are not alone. I have many friends and acquaintances who struggle as well. This just tells me that there are lots of "Jobs" (Job from the Bible, that is) out there, and look how that turned out!

I'm trying, friends. I'm trying, but if I can tell you anything for certain, it's that no matter how much or how hard I try, I will not get through anything without God's strength!