Hidden Blessings

If I've never gotten the meaning of Christmas before, I really get it this year. 

I'm usually in a flurry of activity in December, and it's all about shopping for the perfect gift, baking the favorite cookie, making the candy, going to this event or that event, and "keeping traditions alive". I am known for my cute Christmas card photos, with the girls all cute in matching scarves, and the dog in their arms. Not this year. No photo shoot. I printed a handful of cards for special people and used a favorite photo from a trip to the summer cottage. A time when we were all happy. 

 Well, since spending my spring and summer and a good deal of my fall trying to recover, and then losing my brother suddenly, none of those so-called "necessary" things mattered to me this year. In fact, when Serena became very ill this past weekend and the doctor feared mononucleosis, I simply said, "well, healing is the most important thing. We will stay home for Christmas."  

When we learned my newly widowed sister-in-law and my 2 nephews were going to be alone for Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, we agreed to put off our family party anyway so my parents could go down and spend the holidays with them, at young Justin's request. 

Well, now my mom is sick and it's looking like all trips and celebrations are going to be delayed anyway. 

As I drove into town for something today, I was doing some praying, and one thing jumped out at me. I found myself thanking God that Christmas could be celebrated every day, that the gift of his Son was the Gift that keeps on giving anyway. Why we put all this pressure on one day bewilders me. We get so stuck on tradition and "having" to do it this way or that way that we forget December 25 is just a chosen day to celebrate. 

Like my girls said, why on earth is Christmas during flu season anyway? There is no snow in the desert. None of this makes sense! ;) I love it! I agree. Aren't the roads always messing things up too?? We are supposed to get a little yucky weather when??  You guessed it- Christmas Eve and Day! 

So, our plans are a little messed up. But I assured my girls of these two things: we will honor the birth of our Savior, first and foremost, by not focusing on all the wrong things! We will be grateful for our blessings and for who we get to spend the time with, and for the hope of the time we will get to be together. I regret that the last Christmas I got to see my brother was 2 years ago. He never did find the time to come up last year. He was too busy. But I am grateful that when he did make the time to come (sometimes last minute), I dropped everything to come and see him. And I took pictures, even though it annoyed him. And because I did that, we have a nice family picture of all of us. The only one ever taken. I cherish it. 

Blessings. Hiding among sickness. Hiding among missed parties. Messed up plans. Hiding in unexpected loss. Coming out of ashes. We can fight our circumstances or we can ask God to help us find the hidden blessings in them. 

And if we really think about it, we can always have it a whole lot worse. 

Merry Christmas....Happy Holidays...blessings to you! May love and peace overflow into your heart and soul and into those you love. 

Wrong Numbers

I've taught my daughters internet and phone safety, and they're pretty careful. Natalie is particularly wary of "creepers", since she seems to get the most wrong number calls on her cell phone. 

Now, this child is downright funny. I do not know where she comes up with this stuff. ;) When she gets a wrong number call, she will sometimes have a friend answer it because she is too scared. The friend will then tell her what the caller said. Instead of blocking the call, she will then label it. In one instance, she typed in "kid who calls me dad". Another one got named simply "weird guy". Now if these calls come in, she laughs and says, "hey mom, "kid who calls me dad" is calling! " she gets such a kick out of it! 

One day as I was getting ready to go somewhere, she came running into my bathroom with her ringing phone. "Mom! Mom! Answer it please! It's that number again! It won't stop calling!" A little annoyed, but feeling a little mischievous, I took her phone from her, and in my best British accent, I said, "Hahlloo?" I was quite surprised to hear an older gentleman's voice on the other end say, "Mrs. Thompson?" Choking back laughter, because by now Natalie was in a fit of giggles on my bed, I said, (still in composed British) "I'm so sorry, you hahve the wrong numbah." (I'm dying now) He paused for a moment, and I was sure the jig was up..."Ok, sorry", and thankfully he hung up before I blew my cover. It's not like I was lying. It was the wrong number, and I have a great British/English accent. I love tea and scones and hats. ;) 

"I am nehvah doing thaht again!!" I said to  Natalie, as I collapsed in laughter. 

And she typed in next to the stranger's number, "Man who asks for Mrs. Thompson". "Thanks mom, you were great! I can't believe you did that! It was so funny!" Yeah, I scored points with my teenager. 

So, a few weeks later, she comes running to me again. "Mom! Answer my phone! "Man who asks for Mrs. Thompson" is calling!!" Do your southern accent this time!! 

And no, I did not do that again. That girl needs to learn how to block numbers, answer her own phone, and Mrs. Thompson probably owes that man some money!!! :) Pay up, sweetie. ;) 

Strep Throat and Christmas

In our house, it just wouldn't be the Christmas season without some kind of sickness. :( 

I was up at 5:30 taking a temperature, and it looks like we will be heading into Urgent Care (our least favorite place). It's most likely strep throat. Sigh. Poor girl.

Hopefully we can squeak through the holidays and make all the once a year family gatherings. But I know how it goes... Been here before. 

We always have the best laid plans, but have to cut something, not do that last thing, miss out on something we wanted to do...always when it means the most to us.  We always give so much power to these last couple of weeks in December to "be Christmas" for us. As if the birth of Christ wasn't enough. We keep adding more and more "noise" to Christmas. 

But if we stop and really think about it, Christmas is quiet. Except for the exclaiming, it was a night of quiet wonder. It was peaceful. Now I don't want to miss seeing my family because someone is sick. That won't feel peaceful. In fact, missing out on seeing my brother's boys would be downright disappointing. 

So what to do? Because of that babe in the manger on that peaceful night, this crazed mother, worrying about fevers has a place to go with her concerns! It's prayer time! 

2014 has been a year wrought with challenges, almost since the day I hung the January calendar. And maybe it wants to go out that way too. I will be glad to see it go! 2015 is welcome to arrive with the theme I am giving it: Hope and Healing. Bring it on. 

Blessings! 

Concert Night

Thank you for praying my mom and I through the concert! No tears for either one of us. We both enjoyed it very much. 

I should mention that this concert has been our most anticipated event of the Christmas season! How terrible I was feeling to think that our grief would somehow tarnish this special night for our family. I didn't want to cry, but I didn't want to enjoy it. So conflicted. Then I thought of what my brother would say. Go and enjoy it. Don't cry about me! Get on with it!  He was a very no-nonsense kind of guy. 

Natalie's solo went very well, but they decided to cut their jazz set list from 6 songs to 3, cutting out Serena's solo. No worries. Plenty of time for that later!  Seeing my beautiful girls on that stage side by side in front of me was just what this broken heart needed today. 

I had some very enjoyable company beside me keeping me entertained, which was another of God's blessings today. 

Also, Steve started feeling ill just before we arrived at the concert hall and wasn't sure he would be able to stay. I started praying. I kept checking with him, but he was doing okay. I think it kept me just distracted enough....that and the pvc's I was experiencing again! So, thanks to God for distractions, lost tickets,weird heart blips, and blessings, right down to who he placed beside me. Thank you, Jen. 

And I thank Him for faithful friends who pray!! Bless you. :) 

Blessings On

One year my mom connected the basement Christmas tree to a "Clapper". You know, clap on, clap off, the clapper? 

It worked great until we all gathered for Christmas Eve. We soon realized that our loud laughter was turning the tree on and off...and on and off...and on and off! And the more it happened, the harder we laughed! And on and off went the tree lights... 

It's been awhile since we've had "that kind of Christmas", but we will have the blessing of a couple little ones coming this year (I hope). Little ones bring such joy to a room! 

I may just suggest she hook up that Clapper, and maybe I will invest in one myself this year. 

Blessings...always on. :) 

The Picture

I was at my mom's house just a few days before my brother passed, taking care of her dog. She was taking my other brother to Ann Arbor with a lung infection after his heart surgery. Something made me look up at this picture she had recently hung in her foyer. I'm the little one. Jeff is in the light suit, Tim in the dark suit, and my sister Lori in the back. 

I impulsively snapped a picture of it with my phone, and thought we were a cute bunch back then. I think I look to be about 3 or 4 here. 

This was just one of many "signs" that I felt, saw, encountered before my brother passed away that very weekend. 

I had recently thought about Jeff and his influence on my taste in music as I was baking one day. It came to me in a flash, and I remember thinking, "why am I thinking about this?" I was talking about him vividly the week before, which is not something I would normally do. I was planning to text him and ask him some travel questions, but never did. 

His friends were coming to my mind. I didn't know why. If anything, I thought I should have been thinking of my other brother who was having health complications after heart surgery. The one who was told "you might not survive this. You could stroke out. You could die on the table." Oddly enough I calmly told my mom one day, "God has given me peace about this surgery. He will be fine."

He is still doing well. 

But my seemingly healthy brother eternally rests. 

Why did I snap that picture? 

One day I will know. 

Right now it still makes no sense. 

Recharge

I am thankful for weekends with my family. It's like being able to plug in and recharge my weary battery! We were running all over the place on Saturday, with a bowling tournament and an evening parade. But when we got home, we were able to unwind and just "be". I had one daughter snuggled next to me on the couch, one on the floor by my feet, and the dog close by. Steve hasn't been feeling well, so he was stretched out in a chair relaxing, 

And just for a moment I was allowed to enjoy peace. 

We have a busy week, and one worry. The girls have their Christmas concert on Wednesday night. They both have solos. That's not the worry. My worry is that Christmas music has been making me cry lately. Even in the mall! Stinking violins! So...if you have a minute, could you pray that my tears just stay in my eyes until I at least get to my car? :) and if my parents come, my mom could use that same prayer. Poor lady. :( 

One Day at a Time

Just bought my sister's favorite candy for her, and saw Jeff's favorite candy beside it. Almost lost it right there in the store...

Challenges

It's been one of those weeks. I tried to quickly make a copy of a permission form just before leaving for school, and ended up with a major paper jam. The printer sucked in about 50 sheets of paper. I gave up on the copy and ran out the door. Well, I ran back in for something, nearly collided with a daughter, grabbed what I needed, and knocked a berry wreath off the door. Berries and sparkles everywhere! I tripped over the wreath, and my slip on shoe nearly slipped off, but I caught myself on the door frame, so I avoided breaking all my bones! 

Did I mention that I awakened to a flash of light? Oh yes. Serena tried to tighten a loose bulb in her ceiling fan. It broke in the socket, and shorted out the circuit in her room, and apparently the bathroom where I was trying to put in my contacts! On the way to school, I remembered that there was still a CD stuck in the player and all the dashboard lights are still on. 

All of them. As a friend put it, that's just a mean "Elf on the shelf" prank! Should probably get that fixed. Along with all the other broken things around here, like the burner on the stove that won't shut off, and the faucet that makes a waterfall, which soaks your socks. 

So when I came home and circled that indignant paper-sucking printer, my phone rang. It was my dearest friend, whom I speak to weekly. "My  tire is flat and I can't get the lug nuts off. My daughter's filling is zinging and the dentist isn't helping us, and we broke a light bulb in the socket and can't get it out." I smiled, and one by one... 

I helped her sort it out. Then I told her about an issue I had and she helped me with that. Then we laughed. And all the crazy just went away. Thank God for distractions in life. But thank God more for the friends who get us through the hair-pulling times. 

Are you wondering how I got all that paper out? Well, I started pulling and it was stuck. Really stuck. So I ripped each sheet out one at a time. Paper was flying everywhere, and I began to laugh at myself. I finally gathered up the huge pile of paper and disposed of it. I pointed it out to Serena, who couldn't believe the mess I made. So I took her in the office, where I noticed there were bits of paper still all over the floor. I said, believe it. Just follow the paper trail! 

Proud of what I had finally accomplished, I plugged it back in and turned it on. And it said the most indignant thing to me. 

"Clear paper jam". I can't see any paper in there. This could be a challenge. 

Here we go again. ;) 

Only

Its been 30 days without my brother. The only brother still raising kids at home. The only brother who ironically didn't have heart problems is the one who died of a heart attack without warning. 

It's been 6 years without my only uncle. 

It's been 7 years without my only Grandma. 

Though he is still living, my last Christmas with another brother was probably over 30 years ago. 

I have missed every Christmas with my nephew who died at birth, and also his sister, my niece, who also died at birth. 

The big onlys. If only, if only...

Family Christmases used to be so packed and full of laughter and fun. Until divorces changed the dynamics of the families and suddenly holidays weren't the same playful atmosphere. 

It's no wonder holidays don't bring some families the same kind of joy that they bring to others. There is such a heavy focus on "I'll be home for Christmas", when in fact, that's not true for many. Some people are battling not just family strife, but loss, illness, homelessness, loneliness, divorce, and on and on. 

What is the answer? I wish I knew a concrete answer for those hurting for any reason. But all I have are a few solutions for temporary pain relief. Here are some that work for me for at least some of those problems: 

1. Focus on taking care of someone else. It tends to take the focus off your own pain. Send cards to lonely people. Donate clothes to shelters. Call a lonely friend. Commit to sending a text a week to a teen you care about. Rescue a dog. You get the idea. This list is infinite! 

2. Remember you're not alone in your struggle. Someone has walked that already. Pray they reach out to you! Then you reach out to someone else. That's called ministry. 

3. Look for the blessings in your life. The things that are still there. Don't fixate on the things that are lost. Make a list of things you appreciate. Even if you start with "air, water, food, etc..." :) the list will grow as you realize how much you still have that is good. 

4. Take care of yourself. Exercise if possible. Go to bed on time, eat healthy, take outdoor breaks for fresh air as needed. If you work, don't "bring your work home with you". Allow home to be your sanctuary. Engage in a favorite activity often. Hug the one(s) you have near you. Your mailman might look at you funny. Or not. ;) 

5. Cry when you need to. Don't try to keep it in. Suppressed emotional pain will only be manifested later in your body. Tears are cleansers. Once you cry it out, you will feel better. 

6. Pray. Talk to God. Write letters to God, to whoever has left your life if you have unfinished business with them. Tell a trusted friend how you feel, get therapy if it helps you unclog your mind. Whatever is in there will come out eventually. The goal is to find a healthy path. 

7. Protect yourself. By this I mean stay away from anything or anyone that will not support you moving forward. Don't go knowingly into the "fire". For me, this meant not going to a funeral one week after my brother's. It turns out the same sad hymn was played, and it would certainly not have been good for me or anyone around me. Sometimes we have to know what is best for us without worrying about what "others will say". 

8. Trust. 

 You didn't like number 8, did you? For me, to trust God with all the loss in my life and why I didn't "get the life I always wanted" as a kid, I had to develop faith first. I am learning that faith builds from trials, just like we're promised in James: 

"Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance."

James 1:1-3

So what do I need deeper faith for? So that my relationship with God will become more and more genuine and effective for His glory and service. So that the life I lead means something not just to me but to the people I affect. Hopefully so that they will see Him in me and be drawn not to me, but to God. That's the reason for trials. That's the reason for faith. 

That's the reason I didn't get "everything I wanted". But He still wants everything for me. Even on the days I feel empty and the stung of loss is cold. He is there, reminding me that He will sustain me. 

9. Hold on to God. It works for all of the above problems, even if you don't "see" it. 

Be blessed. Merry Christmas," Happy Enjoy Your Holidays "to All. ;)

May you all have someone to hug today. :) 

Merry Happy Enjoy Your Holidays

It's here again. The Christmas/holiday season, which, by the way, means Christmas and New Year's Eve and New Year's Day. Just thought I would clear that up, since some don't realize that the word "holidays" is not meant to ignore, denounce, or diminish, or replace the word Christmas. It simply encompasses a holiday "season" of events. 

Every year, if you know me at all, I get a little annoyed at all the incessant complaining and rude commenting about this very topic. And who complains the most? Christians. Because for some reason, they believe that saying "Happy Holidays" is wrong for various reasons I won't mention here. 

So I'm saying it again. If you want to say Merry Christmas because that's what is in your heart to say, then please say Merry Christmas. But is someone says Happy Holidays to you, please don't be offended. Here is why:

1. They may just be referring to Christmas AND the accompanying New Year holidays.

2. Their religion is not the same as yours and it would be wrong for you to be offended by that. Unless you want them to be offended by yours. 

3. They don't even think about it. They are simply being friendly. They probably sit behind you in your own church. 

4. Just because you say one phrase, it does not make you "one way or another", and it comes across as judgy if you try to force someone to say it "your way" just to make you comfortable. 

5. It is very nice of someone to smile and say anything nice to you these days. Please take any opportunity to accept it and be kind. Don't take an opportunity to correct them. That's not nice. ;) 

So, those are just my thoughts, honest and forthcoming as always. Feel free to disagree. It is a free country in America after all.  To me it's not always important to agree or to get people to do what I think they should do. It's important that people feel good when you're with them and when you walk away. 

If that store clerk thinks you're an uppity person or a picky Christian, then your witness is ruined! Keep love in your heart and an openness that maybe looks like tolerance to some critics, but you know it's simply love. 

God knows your heart and whether you say Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays, your heart is the same. They are words, don't get so caught up in fighting over things that don't need to be fought. 

Enjoy your holidays. Funny, that's what I always say. And I love Jesus like nobody's business. ;) 

Peace

This is a project I made on November 8th. I had a pile of birch slices left over from the coasters I made for family last year, so I decided to make a banner for my wall. It took me awhile to decide on which word to use- Joy, Hope, Love, Believe, or Peace. 

I stopped at Peace. Yes, that's the one I most need, I thought. That's the word I want to see on the wall as I think about Christmas and family and the last few months. My soul had lacked peace in all the struggles and ups and downs over the past few months, but I felt it slowly coming back, little by little as I had started to come out of my fog just a little bit. Yes, peace would be my banner.

For the first time in a long time, I sat and quietly painted and planned out this wooden banner. I made a list of some items I would need from the shopping trip we would take the next day, November 9th. I took that shopping trip, and halfway through, I felt uneasy and waited in the van for my family to finish. 

And ironically, that's the day I lost my peace. That's the day I lost my brother. 

And now I'm trying to climb back up that huge steep hill yet again, only this time it's different. 

I have an "unsolvable problem". No time, medication, or therapy will change this circumstance. This is a permanent change. I can't control any of it. Peace will come, but I can't force it. I can't "up the dose", "sleep it off", "change the course of drug therapy". This one requires God and God alone and only He holds the key to true peace. 

The banner of peace belongs to Him and He will bring it to me. He probably already is. But my idea of peace and God's definition of peace are completely different. 

Because He is God. And I am not. His timing. My timing. So very different. His ways and my ways. So unlike one another. But somehow I will recognize His peace when it comes, because when God fills a hole in you, you just know it.

You just can't explain it. It just makes you able to go on and love and accept and put one foot in front of the other. 

Peace. 

Peace. Please.

I was looking for a "throwback Thursday" photo to send to a high school friend of mine and came across 2 photos that started my flood of tears again. 

My brother and I on Christmas morning when it was just the two of us left at home. One of them was probably his last Christmas at home before he got married. I didn't even realize those pictures were in there. It took me by surprise and I cried like a baby. He left home when I was 13 and I really didn't get much time with him after that. He moved 3 hours away, and life went on. Some days I cry for what I miss as a child and some days I cry for what I missed as an adult. Some days I cry because not only do I miss him, but he didn't get to really know this little sister as a grown woman, wife, and mom the way I'd hoped he would. I'm glad for the past few years that he did get a glimpse and I'd like to think he was proud of me. 

It's almost been a month, but it feels like yesterday. I can't get into Christmas, knowing how bad everyone is feeling. I wish this was all just a nightmare and I would just wake up. I go back and forth between feeling at peace and feeling unrest. Up and down. Back and forth. Lost and found. 

This week has been really difficult, and none of us feel any better. I keep asking God for strength, peace, mercy, comfort, healing, grace, love...and He must be giving it but of course, we hurt. Nothing removes pain. Not for very long anyway. 

An actress I used to watch on tv as a teen recently lost her father, and she chose to share it publicly on her social media sites. One thing she posted touched me. 

"Just when you think you can't bear feeling this fragile, vulnerable, and teary, you remember that is exactly how God chose to first come to us"

                       -Lisa Whelchel

So that brings us to Christmas. The Savior Jesus. The reason we celebrate at all. And the reason we celebrate my brother in heaven because that same Savior met him in heaven and looked him in the eyes. Without Jesus there would be no connection to God. So however lost we feel without my brother, and however much we don't want to care about the "trappings" of Christmas, we have the Savior. That is our Christmas. 

I was told as much as I prayed one day in anguish. I said, "Father, how are we supposed to do Christmas now?" He gave me this: "Focus on me. Just me. Because it's nothing without me." It's true. I can "do" Christmas without all the things that "scream" Christmas in the worldly sense, because nothing whispers Christmas like Jesus. 

He whispers. Help my soul to quiet down so I can listen....help my brain to shut off those awful funeral songs...help my eyes to stop seeing those images...and for my other senses to just feel peace. 

Peace. 

Faraway but Near in Heart

I should have mentioned in my last post that I also find it both surprising and wonderful to have friends praying for me in Canada...not just recently, but for a very long time. 

Friends aren't always the ones who live in your vicinity. They are the ones who always "show up" no matter where they may live.  I have never met these two in person, but they have blessed me incredibly by praying for me. I recently had the pleasure of talking with Angela on the phone and she is as kind as her written words! 

Thank you Angela and Sir Norm...for always being the first two praying, or at least the first two to let me know. You should know that I also still pray for you. 

Thank you for following my journey and allowing me to follow yours. 

God bless! 

Love, it's Simple

Sometimes people are so busy "being Christian" that they forget to be like Jesus. 

I said that yesterday to dear hubby, as I explained to him who has been tending to my heart lately. 

Sure, there are some wonderful Christians who have reached out and let us know they are praying for us, and we feel that love. 

But it occurred to me that the two people (aside from family) who are helping the most are just ordinary people. Not "I'm praying for you" people (got those), but people who don't go to church, don't talk about their faith (though they believe), but they are just simply "there". 

There to talk about nothing or everything. There to say I'm sorry you are hurting or laugh at my silliness. There to reminisce about our high school days or talk about our kids. Not always about loss or grief. Sometimes we wonder why. Although God does come into the conversation once in awhile, it's a matter of letting Him handle it. In other words, these conversations are a very soft place for me to just be. 

Like Jesus is there for me. 

I really hope that I am that kind of person for others. That I don't just spout off Scripture, look or act the part, but am not present for that woman at the well, or for that man with leprosy, or for that friend in need. 

Some people do let their church, their faith or their religion get in the way of people. They claim to be holy, but don't want to get "dirty". God don't let me be like that. Ever. I have been let down the most by these people, these "friends", due to the wrong expectations. I don't want to do that. 

Because I see how these "ordinary" but extraordinary friends are filling my heart, just the way God has intended to use them. I'm not sure they've read anything in the Bible about humility or kindness, but they are true examples of how love changes people. 

Every person created by God matters. Every life has a purpose. No two people are packaged the same or speak the same way. It takes love to see beyond the package. 

And dear hubby said, Amen, and thank you PD for teaching us that not all Christians have to think or be the same to serve. 

Still Soft

I caught myself saying, "this has been a terrible year. I can't wait for it to be over."

And even as I said it, the reality sank in.

There are no guarantees. Though next year is Natalie's senior year and I want it to be "the best year ever", I can't make any promises. I can't stop any bad things from "messing" up my plans. 

I've seen too much of the contrary happen. A Dad getting killed in an accident 3  months before he was to walk his only daughter down the aisle..,mom dying of cancer leaving 2 young sons, a mom dying just before her kindergarten daughter stepped off the bus one day, a baby that never saw the light of day though his family waited with expectation and big plans. And my brother, dying suddenly in the arms of his son, leaving his two boys without their hero. None of this makes sense on earth. 

We aren't guaranteed anything. Not happiness, not ease of life, not a struggle-free journey. Sometimes we go through life without the people we love. Or sick. Or without the love we need. No guarantees. Nothing pretty about it, and yet, we can still have a beautiful heart inside. That's the good thing. 

And I won't sit here and fill you up with Christian-ese and tell you everything is going to be okay. Because  God has a plan and a purpose. It may be true, but tell it to the 11 year old with the baseball mitt in one hand and no dad to catch the ball. I can guarantee you, he won't "get" God's plan. That is of no comfort to him at all.  Even as adults, these things don't make sense. Time dulls wounds, but I doubt they ever really heal. Some things can only be healed in heaven. Sorry, but sometimes things are just not okay. And that's just the way it is. But your beautiful heart still beats in there. Broken, slightly beating, not okay. 

I can quote Scripture with the best of them. I have it everywhere. I pray earnestly every day with the most honest words in my heart. It does no good to "flower" them up. The God who made me knows what I'm going to say anyway and appreciates my honesty. 

I can feel depressed, I can feel diminished, at the end of my rope. I can feel stuck in the wringer. I get angry.

Yet I still turn to God and the first words I say each time I pray is this: 

"Thank you for this day..."

Even when I'm crying...angry...lost...so confused...

Because this is all I have. This day. And at the end of this one, it might just be better than yesterday. 

Remember-no guarantees. But no reason to fear the worst either. 

Somehow I'm learning to live in the middle of hope and reality-where I don't assume everything is going to be great, but I hope that it will be okay. 

It's been a pretty rough year, and I can't wait for it to be over...that is true. Because it's that much closer to the day we will all be in heaven together. 

Sometimes the picture in my head has to be that big to get through the day to outweigh the circumstances of the moment. 

Because just being a little "okay" is better than not being okay at all. It's called survival. 

I believe God absolutely gives us more than we can handle, and that trials are used for our benefit to strengthen us for His glory. How that figures into the "now" of the moment is a mystery. How it figures into children going through atrocious trials I will never know. 

What I do know is that life is more fragile than ever and what we say and do matters more than we realize. People are always saying "toughen up. Grow a backbone". I don't know. Might be true. Might not.  I sure wish more people would grow their hearts and show more compassion. Soften up. Love a lot more. 

It's been a really bad year...

But I'm still soft. 

Maybe I'm learning something after all. 

Blessed

This is my husband...

Last week I experienced a really rough wave of grief mixed with other "stuff", leaving me in quite a muddle. 

He decided to take the week off and work from home. 

I told him last night I would miss him hanging around, so when I got back from dropping the girls off at school this morning, this is what I found on the counter. He even added a little cologne...

That is my best friend. 

That is my husband. 

He is my blessing.

The one my soul knows. 

Happy Cappy

If you are current on your Super Hero knowledge, you will know that the "real name" of Captain America is Steve Rogers. 

That just happens to be my dear hubby's name too, and he is our family's very own super hero. 

Today is his birthday! Serena, my resident baker, and I, whipped up and decorated this Captain America cheesecake "shield". Steve loved it, and even though we haven't been up to going shopping for gifts yet, he enjoyed the gift of just being home with us. Soon we will take a fun trip to Cabela's and let him loose! :) 

He is such a great guy. He has been my best friend for 25 years, and my hubby for 20. We have been through a lot together, and I am so proud to be by his side every day, just doing life together. We laugh a lot and have so much fun and I pray we get a lot more years together. He is as close to a saint as they come in my book. 

Happy birthday, my love! 

Thawing

Thanksgiving will be a little different this year. It won't exist. My mom and I, along with my sister, decided we're not celebrating it this year. At first my mom had announced, quite surprisingly that we were going to decorate her Christmas tree that day. At the time I thought it was probably a way she was hoping to cope with the day, but I wasn't sure how I was going to cope with the day, and the tree wasn't going to help.
It turns out these past few days have hit us all very hard again, and the addition of the holiday and the holiday season in general just isn't helping at all. We decided that while we are thankful for our many blessings, what we need most is rest. And a break from the trappings of holidays and "must-dos".
I offered to have them over for "dinner" on Thursday, but not for Thanksgiving. I will not be decorating the table like I usually would and I will not be making the usual efforts of a normal Thanksgiving spread. Mom is bringing her turkey and famous stuffing, but I assured her we are not going to make a "big deal" out of dinner. I'm not even going to set the table! And believe me, that is hard. But I will do anything to make us all feel a little bit better.  I may even wear my sweats. Maybe I will even wash them. A treat these days.
These past few days have been like being thawed out slowly and having the horrible feeling come back in.  I honestly blamed it on my hormones (not getting any younger here), and on my already-diagnosed depression. But then I talked to my mom and my sister, and they were also both struggling terribly. We didn't share with each other because we were trying to spare each other. I guess having not walked this grief walk before, we just don't know quite how to navigate this together yet. We've lost people, for sure, but this one is different. Much different.
Tomorrow I venture out and try again this week to get a hair cut. I hope to be able to sit there and not break down.  I hope to be able to make it through a store without wanting to rush out of it. I hope I can pull off this "un-Thanksgiving" dinner gracefully. I hope I can get through today, this minute, and the next. Intact, and thawing.

Pain

I'm not sure what happened, but the loss hit me like a ton of bricks again on Saturday and I find myself feeling fresh grief all over again. 

I had already been fighting clinical depression prior to this and was managing without medication. Not anymore. It's just not a good idea for me to be so down and continue to spiral. 

So I ended up with a viscous migraine all night and Steve stayed with me today. I hope tomorrow is better. 

It's obvious my body is manifesting how I feel inside. Not just for me, but my empathy. 

Lost Blessings

In cleaning out my closet, I found a "blessings journal" from 2007. Hoping to be encouraged, I opened it. As I read, I was sad to see I had lost many of the blessings on my list. Including the name of a previously close friend. 

I will not be writing my blessings down anymore. I will be thanking God for them instead and praying there is a reason for lost ones. 

Not a good weekend I guess. 

Beautiful Sounds

All week I have watched Natalie working on her Physics project. The assignment was to build a musical instrument. It is independent study, so all work has to be done at home, obviously. 

She started out building a thumb harp, but wasn't satisfied, so she decided to build a glockenspiel. 

She and dad retreated to the basement where they measured out the pieces and started putting it together. 

Sounds easy? Not at all. Each of the copper tubes had to be cut to a certain length based on a mathematical formula that she had to figure out. Blech! 

She then cut the pipes as accurately as she could to get the best tone. 

Attached them to nails with colored rubber bands (coordinated, of course), and when it was finished, she played a whole bunch of songs! 

That girl is way cool!! I love having musically inclined kids in my home. And maybe an engineer in the making too? 

Value

I'm going to TRY to get off the grief train for all our sakes...just a bit, if I can make it.

A few months back, dear hubby received one of a few prestigious awards given at work. It was quite a shiny bauble. He brought it home, showed it to me, and told me of its significance. It was neat how it reflected the light, looked all "important" and stuff. :) He stuck it back in the box and I think I put it in our home office on our desk because it was probably in the way in the kitchen, as most wayward things become.

A few weeks later, he came home from work and said, "Hey, I need that box. The boss wants to know why I don't have that on display in my office. I said, "Oh, okay, let me go find it." " Too funny, right? A few days later he brought it back home and said something about, "The new office won't have walls anyway, what's the point of having stuff like this around? I can't have my family pictures anymore, so why have this around?" I laughed, because it's so true!

So I took it back out of the box, and I stuck it in our bookcase on a stack of books just because it kind of looked cool there. But then I began to add more stuff to the bookcase like my nephew's new senior picture, and now a nice picture of my brother and his son. Guess what? Those family pictures have covered up that bauble. We can't even see it behind all of those precious rewards of family pictures.

I guess they should have let their employees keep their walls. Maybe then they would see what they really value in life.

Hmmm?

One of Those Days

I am reading the book of Job again and I told my sister to do the same. Why? Because we both feel pretty beat up today. Things just keep lingering and some things just aren't going away that we need gone for good. That dark cloud keeps pressing in and we are trying hard to press in and endure, because we know that's what will make us strong, but oh, are we weary....

And those tears just keep dropping and those answers aren't coming. We feel powerless. We want to be a light but feel snuffed out. 

I told you yesterday. This grief thing has it's days. 

Getting There

For the past two days I have left my TV and radio off entirely. I still have access to my phones because I am needed by people, of course. I decided I just needed some quiet time. That quiet time didn't really go as planned, but it's okay. It was filled with necessary conversations with people I care about. I reconnected with a friend who lost her father last year and is still struggling with depression. I spent time talking with my sister, my mom, my dearest oldest friend 3 hours away.

I printed a few pictures of my brother from our trip to the cottage last year. I put them in a frame next to his oldest son's graduation picture. I put his business card in a treasure box. I lit a candle. I started a private facebook group called "Remembering Jeff" for my family and Jeff's friends to have a place to post their thoughts and pictures and share their hearts. I sat down and did what my mom asked me to do. I wrote my brother's obituary.

I sent texts to his wife and both sons and assured them I was thinking of them and lifting them up in prayer. One is back to college, heading back into his vigorous engineering program. One back to his 6th grade class. They replied to my texts, a simple, "thank you". I can't even imagine how their life has changed. I can only pray blessings upon blessings will come to them.

I penned a letter to my oldest brother, who is broken-hearted, still physically ill after his surgery, and now emotionally wrecked, wrestling with his emotions, not knowing how to express them, where to put them, who to trust. His coping skills of the past have involved substances and anger, not the ones that I have suggested and prayed for over him. I fear he won't find comfort. His heart may become even harder. I now know the reason my notes to him were becoming more and more intense. It wasn't about him. It was about our Jeff.

I sent my Bible study notes to my sister, who struggles with self-forgiveness and letting go of the past, as we all do at times. The reason I have notes on that is because I struggle there too. In times of loss we all have feelings of misplaced guilt. We all need to be reminded that God can absolve us and forgive us if we only take it to Him and leave it there, trusting him with our pain.

I set up a special place to pray so that I can't possibly forget, and I've decided that I don't want to pray out loud anymore. I will now pray in silence. I want to teach myself to hear God better and sometimes I talk too much. Maybe I'm also afraid that the enemy is listening. If this is wrong thinking, I would love opinions on that. I've heard differing thoughts.

I have asked my oldest friend Patty, who is more like my sister, to make homemade cards for my nephews so I have something special to send them each week in my handwriting. She was our next door neighbor growing up and Jeff played with her brothers. So, it's special to me to have her make them. I'm doing what I can to be proactive. I fear the day I run out of things to "do".

Grief doesn't stay with one person. It is shared. Just when you think you get a handle on it, someone calls you in intense pain and needs to be comforted. That's why it is so important to know God. I don't know how others were able to walk into that funeral home and see what I saw without knowing God and His plan. I only know how it was possible for me. Because seeing the pain around me was not all there is to it. Knowing my brother has seen Jesus gave me great comfort. Knowing I will see him again gave me peace. I'm not saying it was easy. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. I still have bad days and will probably go back and forth for awhile, especially if I know my nephews are having a hard time. Because grief is shared. And if they hurt, I will hurt too. Because I love what my brother loved and I will do what he would want me to do.

Thank you to those who have held me up through this time. Your comments and encouragement have touched my heart. I have shared them with my sister, who was very touched by your words. I am thankful for those God has placed in my path.

Overwhelming

The thought I woke up with this morning...

Why I find forgiveness such a challenge:

1. The person continues to offend blatantly 

2. Because I continue to have better expectations of that person, I continue to be disappointed

3. My disappointment leads to more frustration

4. Because I can't avoid the offender(s), I feel like I am constantly their target- just waiting for the next attack

5. My expectation of better behavior then turns to an expectation of typical behavior

6. I remain disappointed, hurt, angry

7. I can't forgive so I remain indebted to anger and a prisoner to that person

Sigh...as if I don't have enough to deal with right now. 

Funerals bring out the best and the worst in families, and unfortunately there was some of the latter. When you have divorce, you just know it's coming. When you have people who are incredibly self-centered, it's coming. When you have people who lack compassion, love is not present. People get hurt. It stinks and I'm tired of it and I don't know how to forgive it anymore. 

It is overwhelming. 

Another Goodbye

I can't believe it. Another sudden death in the family. Steve's aunt Sue passed away this afternoon. She was a sweet wonderful lady who always took a special interest in me and the girls. 

Sadly, we found out about it on Facebook. :(

Not sure what all of this means, but we have another funeral this week, and I'm still reeling from my brother's last week. I haven't even dealt with all of it yet. 

Help. Again. Help. And when does life get better? When?? 

Loss

Night time is the hardest....:(

Hunting in Heaven

November 15. Opening day of firearm deer season. Means nothing to me personally. Two or maybe more reasons: I don't hunt. I don't ever care to hunt. I don't like venison and never have. My husband quit hunting because he lost a little desire for it. He now assists those who are just starting out-teaching them the art of tactful hunting. Yes, tactful. He has never shot a deer off a feed pile, which he does not believe in. He also won't shoot just to shoot. He won't shoot if he can't get an instant kill, and he has always prayed over his deer, thanking God for each one he has ever given. He is my humble hunter, never chasing after "the biggest rack". That's why I have enjoyed it when new hunters (friends or family) have gotten their first under his care. 

Last year he took Serena hunting. I think they did more snacking than hunting, and that's actually what meant the most to her. Daddy actually packed chicken legs for her! Who needs candy bars? :) 

He had spent weeks with her teaching her gun safety and shooting practice, but when it came down to it, she wasn't interested in the kill at all. 

Because the real fun is in the hunt after all. The time with dad and the love and lessons she received and gave back. 

My brother Jeff was a hunter of all kinds and I enjoyed hearing his stories. In fact he and his son had a wonderful time at the family cottage last fall checking out spots to hunt. They were two city boys living off the land and loving it. I am so glad they took the time to do that. They had planned on being there again this fall. In fact, After consulting with Jeff about some problems we were having with the neighbors up there, he told me which tree he would have put his stand. 

If the things we loved here are magnified in heaven, then Jeff is surrounded by wildlife and the best hunting property he could ever see. 

That is the only thing bringing me comfort is imagining my brother in heaven, being loved by Jesus, reunited with his family. And now today I picture him hunting in heaven. 

Tired

I don't know what to think. I have been praying for the unity of my family for years. I pray daily for their protection. For salvation, for health, for our families to be united as one. I pray and say their names one by one. Somehow I thought this was going to lead to something miraculous. 

I have felt called to be a peacemaker, and have often put myself in the position of encouraging one family member to go to another and ask forgiveness if necessary. I have seen relationships repaired. There have been some blessings. For some reason I thought this was the beginning of something more beautiful. 

But it has not been that way. Time and time again things keep falling farther apart, not closer together, and our unity is seen at funerals. 

I don't know what to think. Am I asking for too much? I didn't think God had limits. 

We are a tired family. 

Just being honest. 

That's what grief is. 

Grief Stuff...because I'm honest

I just read on an on online grief support group that siblings are the most overlooked when dealing with the loss of a sibling. The focus is on the spouse, children, and parents. 

We have a history with our siblings that no one else shares and we may carry our grief a bit longer than "normal" because we don't get the comfort we need. 

Interesting. The most support I have received has been obviously through my own flesh and blood family, my husband and daughters, my close friends, online friends, but some people, a very large close group, in fact, are glaringly missing.

That hurts. 

Just needed to express that.  

Today is my mom's birthday and she is saying goodbye to her son. I have no words. 

Untitled

On our way to say goodbye...

Help

I can't believe I have to type these words today. I'm still in shock. My brother Jeff, while working in the garage with his son, collapsed, and passed away. He was 50. The tears won't stop. My family is wrecked. His wife and sons, ages 11 and 18 are too. 

We can't tell my oldest brother, Tim, because he is still dealing with illness after his heart surgery. In fact, he is being hospitalized for the second time since the surgery as we speak for fluid in his lungs. 

My great niece had 2 seizures on Saturday and is getting an EEG today. She is 7. I will be canceling my own follow up trip to Ann Arbor this week. 

Yes, God has given us more than we can handle. We are at a loss. 

Help. Jesus. 

A Little More Him

Holding on to James 1:2-4 today: 

I know better than to complain, but some days I feel a little more human than others, sorry. 

Lots of Jumbled Things

I have had a touch of some kind of virus this past week, which hasn't been fun at all! So, I haven't had a very productive week. Again. 

It seems I get a few steps forward only to fall firmly back. I have been sick for 8 months now. Wow. Who would have thought I would ever be saying that, let alone living that? What the whaaaat?? As my kids would say...

My life, though I am continuing to look for and see glimmers of hope, is certainly not the full and joy-filled life I would like to be living right now.  I am being honest in saying I am not very happy right now. But I don't have a lot of choices. I have to suck it up and take it like a champ. Whatever. 

So, hubby did a wonderful thing for me last week, knowing how much I love and miss photography. He got me a new printer and lots of photo paper and ink. On the one day I felt sort of okay, I printed photos like crazy! I changed our whole gallery wall, taking it from old to current pics of the girls. It gave me a little hope. I'm a pretty good photographer. I love art and creating things. I so miss my scrapbooking...I miss more things than I can count! I miss hope...

I miss me. I have been so caught up in just trying to keep my head above the water with my health. It is hard to enjoy life that way, clinging from one good moment to the distant next. 

I miss browsing in stores...picking out my own "stuff", meeting a friend for coffee. Those days feel so far gone. Those "friends" moved on. Life has definitely changed for me. It's hard to keep up when everything is moving but you. 

Yet I keep thinking these changes must be for something good, because God would not allow me to miss out on life for nothing. He didn't promise I would be happy, though I'm sure He would like that for me. He does assure me that I can still have joy, which is better. No one said it feels better, by the way. Feelings have nothing to do with it! 

So I have my writer's cabin in place, my new printer, and thousands upon thousands of photos to print....I just need to feel well! And I would eventually like to return to my life...shopping, dining, laughing, going to shows, traveling, being part of a church, etc... For some reason, when these seizures started, I began having anxiety attacks. Now that anxiety is threatening my joy. The "old" me is fighting to get out, saying "what the whaaaat?" Who are you?? It's a very strange thing to not recognize yourself suddenly. I have pulled back from everything I used to find familiar. It must be how foreigners feel in a strange country. I am a foreigner in my own town and in my own life. 

And I keep praying for my citizenship to be renewed. 

Is he or isn't he? None of our beeswax sometimes...

I'm glad I found this! 

It bothers me greatly to hear people discussing this in certain circumstances-which I won't even discuss here myself. 

Anyway, thank you C.S Lewis. This is brilliant. 

One of those Days

If only this was true...

Or it IS true, just not for everyone. 

One thing that bothers me in "families" is favoritism. Maybe Facebook has done it's job of showing just how negative it can be by revealing whose kids are favored in the family and whose kids get ignored. 

Can you guess which ones get ignored? 

Oh well, guess it's that time again to put on my kindness and humility and gentleness and explain forgiveness to myself and my kids once again. And stay off Facebook or block those who continue to ignore us anyway. At least then it can't bother me anymore. 

I really hate it when I have an all day migraine. No sleep and too much time to stink-think. Sigh. And pain is the enemy's tool, I think. I sure hope today is a better day. 

I can do all things through him, who strengthens me...Phil. 4:13

2 Corinthians 10:5...and make all my thoughts obedient to Christ... 

Petty Arguments

I just finished reading a blog post that I thought was rather humorous. It was obviously (as I thought) meant to be entertaining. However, his commenters must have been reading a different piece! Some "got it" and left a "ha ha-good one" type comment on this Christian speaker's post. Others went in a completely different direction and suddenly the commentors began fighting! Some of the comments were quite combative and began using colorful language. Again, a Christian speaker's blog on a very light and innocent topic! 

I'm not sure why these things even happen, but the one that saddened me the most was the person who said, you people make your faith look like a joke! Wow. They were right! Everyone getting all judgy and nasty, going all "Old Testament" on each other on this man's post. Crazy!  I'll bet you're wondering what this guy was talking about to get all these people so mad?? 

Elf on the shelf. Yup. You heard right. He was making a joke about how hard it was to keep up with the tradition of hiding the elf and "competing" with the parents who go over and above his efforts of the mundane things his own elf does. It was much like my joke each year of writing the "perfect Christmas letter", where the 10 year old has just received his doctorate and the 7 year old is singing at Carnegie Hall. Again. So yeah, that kind of silly. 

And yet it turned into a mud-slinging contest because someone didn't take it in the spirit in which it was written. How very human. And then there were those who told those humans to "lighten up" in a not-so-loving way. How very Christian of them. Not!! Silence would have been most effective and yet no one likes that tool. 

We all cry, we are Americans. We can say what we want. We have free speech. First amendment. I say, sure, you can go with that. Or you can go with the fact that you have two ears and one mouth and that has nothing to do with any of those things! 

Be kind. Be free to speak. But do so in love and with respect. We can all agree to disagree. 

P.S. Elf on the shelf is coming back to our house soon. It's only his second year. He only comes to have fun. He doesn't care what the other elves are doing! He's pretty secure! ;) 

Mom Sermon

It's not fun having to blog on my iPhone, but the evil laptop leaves me no choice. We are through!  Hence, there will be no cool highlighting, no bullet points, no bold print, no awesome spacing, nothing to making you go, "wowwww"! Nope. I'm having a laptop breakdown breakup. It hates me and I am done trying. Okay, my snit is finished...for now. 

So my kids, including my borrowed one, are trapped, I mean, riding, with me in the van 10 minutes each morning. Sometimes that time is filled with their chatter or the business of breakfast-eating, but sometimes, I get the floor. 

Today was one of those days. I used to call these talks "Mom Sermons", because I talked and they listened. I didn't mean for it to be that way today, but that's what happened. Here's why...

It all started when I shared with Serena that her friend's mom was getting married this weekend. This particular friend was involved in a serious accident with his dad 2 years ago. The accident left his dad traumatically brain-injured and unable to return to "himself". Her friend sustained broken bones, and after a lot of surgery and therapy and healing, he was able to recover well. After awhile he moved away, but they kept in touch once in awhile. These two particular guys, father and son, were always together. I had the pleasure of going on a 6th grade camping trip with them, and anyone could see what a special bond they had together. And nice! Incredibly nice-both of them. The boy's mother too. 

So I said I was sad that although he still had his dad, he wasn't the same dad he remembered and spent time with as a son, but that he would now be getting another chance with a stepdad. It is bittersweet. None of us can even imagine or even try to understand having to go through something so hard, and he was only 12. The van was quiet. 

Then Natalie said, "Is that like----?" And she named her classmate and friend whose mom passed away of brain cancer while he was in the fourth grade. Before I could answer, she asked, "what was she like? Does he look like her?" I went on to describe her...

"She was one of the nicest preschool moms. While some of the others ignored me, she made a point to not only talk to me, but to include me in her conversations. She told me how cute you were and how she thought her son might have a little crush on you. How she could see why. She offered to sit with you on the preschool float and keep you safe and help you throw candy. And later she told me she snuck a couple bit-o-honeys out of your bag because they were her favorite. She was a beautiful woman. She had pretty brown eyes, a sharp nose like her son, a ready laugh, and she was always dressed for a party." 

"And when she was stricken with cancer, I didn't even know it until I ran into her at a t-ball game and she didn't look the same. But her eyes and smile were the same. And her kindness was still there."

"And yes, her son looks like her. When he is sweet and he hugs you, it's her. When he's kind, it's her. He is blessed because he's part of her." 

Then the cracked voice (which rarely ever cracks, by the way) said to me, "mom, we need to stop talking about this..."

My voice was cracking too and the windshield was getting blurry..must have been the rain...and I finished my piece for the morning...

"Appreciate the people in your life. Maybe your parents aren't perfect or they make you mad sometimes, but be grateful that they are still here to tell them that! Love your annoying siblings. Someone wishes they had what you have."

As we arrived at the school and they prepared to "disembark the mom bus", I heard, "thanks for the uplifting talk, mom"

Sarcasm...yeah, that's how I stuff my emotions too, dear ones. You learned that from me. So in return, I said, "get out of my van and go change the world!" 

They always smile when I say that. 

Tears and Baby Steps

Yesterday I picked up a van load of teenage girls and took them to our house. This is kind of a normal thing, as I am a bit of a "neighborhood mom" of sorts. I will pretty much take in anyone's kid at any time, as needed, especially if it means keeping them from being home alone after school! One of them is a "regular". Her mom is a single mom and they live in another town. She brings her daughter to our school, feeling it was the best choice for her, and it has worked out great. We offered to take her to school in the morning and she hangs out here after school until her mom gets out of work. It has been a blessing for all involved. We now love her like one of our own and she calls us her second family. 

Yesterday I noticed one of my daughters had disappeared with one of my borrowed teens. I soon discovered the borrowed teen was in tears after a disturbing phone call. My daughter did her best to console her, but also had to leave for a class, so I felt terrible having to leave her at such a bad time. 

Fortunately, my other daughter was making French fries and doing homework and took over the consoling. Tag-teaming tears, I suppose. I left to drive my girl to class in my old cotton pants, even older sweatshirt, the slides I wear to take the dog outside, and my hair in a bit of a mess. That will be significant in a moment. 

As my daughter and I talked on the way to town about the reason for the tears, my heart sank. I won't give the reason here, but it moved me to do something I haven't done since March. Since seizures. Since medication. Since panic attacks and the ER visit that led to more anxiety...not since then have I gone anywhere alone. (Except for school)

I started to drive the 10 minute drive back home and I pulled off to call home. My daughter answered and I asked, "is she still there?" Yes, she was. I continued my drive, and as I did, I counted the change in my wallet, and in the door of my van. I never carry cash! I had just enough for what I needed. As I approached the little country store near my house, with the needed item in mind, a thought occurred to me. I haven't done this. My heart fluttered. My mind tried to talk me out of it. Anxiety threatened. You can't go in there! I shook it off. Yes, I'm going in there. With my crappy clothes, my messy hair, my weird shoes, my $2 in quarters. I'm going in there. And I'm going to buy my sad borrowed daughter her favorite thing- a Mountain Dew. 

And I did. I shuffled in there, because it's very hard to walk confidently in those slidey shoes, I walked the full length of the creaky wood floor. I opened the cooler, grabbed her drink, made small talk with the nice clerk lady, and left. Success!! 

The best part was when I walked into the house and saw her helping my daughter with her homework, eyes all red from crying, but that smile when I put the pop in front of her. I didn't say anything. She put her hand to her heart and just said, "aww, thank you". 

When her mom came to pick her up later, she clearly felt bad about what had happened. She was stuck at a doctor's visit and couldn't leave at that time, and It was just a private family matter, so all I said to her was that we love her daughter, she's part of our family, and that I got her a Mountain Dew. She got the biggest smile, and said, "oh! That is her favorite! Thank you so much!" 

No. Thank you. Because those tears, though I am sorry for their reason, made me do something big. And because of that I put some cash in my wallet in case I want to venture out a little farther next time. Baby steps. Baby steps that allow me to help others. 

Praise God. 

Basementpalooza

Well, we may not be moving to Georgia, but my ready-to-go mindset has spurned on a need to get organized! 

Last week as I contemplated moving our physical belongings to another state, I realized we have acquired way too much "stuff" through our 20 years together. It sure doesn't look like we've given away a ton of things. (we have) it doesn't look like we've had garage sales. (We've suffered through those too)

Our basement has become quite a "catch-all" for everybody's everythings! The girls have made quite a pile in the storage room. And maybe pile is not a big enough word for the amount of stuff in there...whoa! Two girls means two of everything...times two...maybe ten, by the looks of things! 

The family will be so excited to be invited to my "Basementpalooza 2014 Extravaganza"! I will be setting up a few tables for organizing all that "stuff", and another table with some yummy snacks to keep the mood happy, not snappy. 

After all that fun, we'll take a trip to the local Goodwill. By the way, I'm sure you, my dear reader don't do this, but I don't like it when people only donate their "junky stuff" to Goodwill. I recently read an article on the subject, and the cool fact I took from it was not to throw your old clothes in the trash. If they are clean and not grungy or stained, they can actually be repurposed or upcycled into other items like quilts. Those quilts could be used for lots of good things! Also, it keeps the non-biodegradable stuff out of our environment. I can't believe this recycling, composting girl hadn't thought of that! No more shirt-tossing for me! Anyway, I donate good stuff to the people in need and I'm sure you do too, because it would be what I would want for my kids or my job interview or whatever. 

I love to organize and purge, so it will be good to get going and tackle this project. Then if we are ever called to move, it will be a lot less to pack! 

Leaves and Georgia on My Mind

I never thought I'd be thanking God for the ability to rake leaves, but lately I've been doing just that. I've also been thanking God for sore muscles, and for fatigue caused by work-related issues and not for sick-related issues! I have a mostly-raked yard and several trimmed shrubs, and lots of sore muscles, and lots of yawns. Praise God.
I'm not sure I'm happy about having to rake, but since our lawn mower died last summer, we also lost the ability to bag our leaves, so out came the rakes and the manpower. I realized quickly that I missed raking. Sounds strange, but I used to love raking when I was younger. It's much like mopping a dirty floor, I suppose. Each swipe of the rake yields a patch of clean green grass. It's addictive, really. I just can't stop until it's all green! Or until my shoulders start to sing...or it gets dark...or I just cant go anymore! It's therapy too- great thinking time. It's monotonous, quiet, methodical, lulling, peaceful, almost meditative. Until I see a spider. Then it's something entirely different! But the great thing is that it returned a bit of me to myself and for that I'm grateful and I have lacked that bit of "me" for so long that I wondered if it was ever coming back. A bit of my old driven style of work had returned, and it gave me hope! There's nothing like a little physical labor to give you your spirit back and get the gears turning again. Oh, I'll pay for it in my body a bit, but my spirit will thank me for that cost, I'm sure. Now, the weird thing is, I may not feel like doing it in 2 days. But that's how it's been going. So, I've learned to appreciate the good days and use them in the best way I can.
Now on to other things...Yesterday I was talking about a "possibility". Well, I have heard back on the answer, and I was quite surprised at my reaction. I can give details now because it's "out", but the business Steve works for in the company is moving to another state. Some of the people associated with that business were already relocating to that state without much notification. When I first heard that we could also be a part of this relocation, naturally I was a little shocked. But honestly, as the idea wore on me and we began to really try it on and talk out the details and the ramifications of school and such, I began to see it as a real positive change. Not that I had hopes for this change, but I had settled it in my mind that we would be ready to take this challenge head on and make it a great thing for our family. Realizing it's not just about a job, but that Steve's job is the mainstay of our family, it has to take precedence over pretty much everything unless he were to choose to leave that job. As the week went on and I began to pray about it, I felt God giving me peace about it either way. The old me would have been clinging to this place by the fingernails, scratching to hold on to the old, good for me or not.
Well, apparently I am not the "old me" anymore, because I was ready to be a peach. A Georgia peach. Spiders, hot weather, and maybe even sweet tea. (yuck) I was ready to pick up and move my life. Make some friends, find a church, write my book, have neighbors, connect with a community, give my girls some new experiences, visit Disney (because it would be closer!) Live in a new place, grow new roots, meet new people, hear new stories, reinvent myself, and see my family doing the same. Because I realize more and more that I am not happy here. What a sentence that is, but it has been true for so long. I keep trying to ride a dead horse. Trying to rejuvenate a dead life in the same place.  Kind of like keeping dead batteries and continuing to stick them in the flashlight, expecting them to work...yeah, like that.
So a change will come, as I said in my last post. And apparently I will have to make it here, in the place I have been for my entire life. Sigh. I don't mean to sound ungrateful. I love my home and where it sits. I love my parents, my husband's parents, don't get me wrong! I'm not running "from", but rather running "to" ...... to what, I will probably never know as long as I am here.
I think Steve was pretty surprised with my disappointment last night, but I finally poured my heart out to him last night about the way I've been feeling. He gets it. I'm a host. I make things possible for him, for the kids, but things feel impossible for me. Does that mean I need a different place? Well, considering other factors, yes, it could help. But it's not everything. Good health, and a decision to put myself a little higher on the list perhaps might work as well. A new church would help, with good fellowship. Some new friends would be nice. All things that good health might yield as well.
And just Who can I trust with all this new stuff on my list? God Himself, who makes all things new and Who just this morning I said, "Not my will, but Yours, God....whatever you want for me...it'll be good..."

Change?

We've got a little possiblity hanging around. The fact that I'm calling it a possibility and not some negative term is an improvement in my thinking for sure. Don't get me wrong, I'm not hoping for this thing to come to pass, yet I'm not as in fear of it as I thought I would be. 

It's a big life-changer, yet lots of things are life-changers, so that's not really saying a lot, is it? I think that's how I've been able to reduce this "possibility" to a do-able thing, if in fact we are asked to do this thing. 

I used to cringe and shrink in fear at the thought of having to climb out of my safety zone. Maybe I still shrink a bit..,but I'm better. I look at life with bigger lenses now. I ask myself bigger questions. I look at the bigger picture. I look at perhaps the biggest factor- what is God doing in this situation if it comes to pass? And if it doesn't, what changes should we implement based on all the "what-if" thinking we did during this time? 

I'm a big believer in making everything mean something. If this possibility doesn't happen, I'm going to make changes anyway. Some new seeds were planted that required new thinking. They don't just die because the change didn't take place! They just need to be applied somewhere else! 

Either way, a change is going to come. God's purpose for us and for me will be revealed either way. 

The Battle

Well, here it is. My fourth attempt at this post today. I will not go into the details of all the snafus today because I won't give the enemy the pleasure, but I will say this: get behind me.
So, a verse has been in my mind a lot these past few days, and it even came across my Pinterest "wall" the other day, so I looked it up and wrote it down and paid it more attention.
2 Chronicles 20:15  has been reminding me...
The battle is not mine. It belongs to God.
Well, isn't that simple? I'll just give up worrying about everything and trying to control everything and hand it over to God and relax. As crazy as that sounds, that is exactly what I'm supposed to be doing. I heard myself telling my friend this very verse the other day as she was telling me of a situation that had her in complete anguish. I said to her, "this battle is not yours. I know you think it is and you feel like it is, but it is God's battle." I believed it when I said it, and it helped her, but oh, how I felt her pain, because I feel that way too from time to time. Someone is sick and just gets sicker...someone is addicted and won't get help...someone is angry and won't listen to reason...a job is changing and we must change or lose it...the horse is thirsty but it won't drink! And on and on the list of problems go that are out of our control!
Because we weren't meant to control them. We weren't meant to carry that load. Problems are meant to bring us to our knees because it's only then that we say, yes, God, I need you. I can't do this and I need you to help me. He knows us better than we know ourselves.
I've realized more and more lately that I control next to nothing. I might control where I sit in my house. What I eat for the day. What I watch on TV. But I can't control anything or anyone. The minute I pick up my own sword and think I can fight my own battles is the moment I begin to fail and lose that so-called "control". What I lose is my peace.
On my windowsill is a verse I read out loud today:
John 14:27 Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled. Do not be afraid.
That is a lot of  'Do nots" right there. Do not be troubled. Do not be afraid. I do not give as the world gives. And at the end of it, we are guaranteed peace. How do we end up with peace? Have you seen the news? Have you done a check with your friends and family lately and heard what they are all going through? It's not all rainbows and sunshine, is it? Peace? Where?
But a true believer in Christ walks in peace! He walks securely in Christ, knowing his or her needs are met, no matter what the circumstances are. Remember Paul? I love Paul. I think we would have been friends. I think of him often and sometimes I say out loud, "I remember your chains, Paul".  In fact, he spoke my favorite verse in the Bible:
Philippians 4:13  I can do everything through him, who gives me strength.
It's not our circumstances that give us a measure of peace. It is God's view. It is following His lead. We have peace because we are reassured that He is working for the "good of those who love Him" (Romans 8:28). We get to "Be still and know that he is God". (Psalm 46:10) and many many other Scriptures of reassurance that He is working toward our good and we need only be at peace.
And while circumstances surround us that might threaten to tie us up in knots or change our lives, we need to remember that the battle belongs to God. Our job is to stay in peace and to be a calming influence to those around us who may be looking to us for help. I could easily be a stick of dynamite with a half-lit fuse. I have that tendency to me, but God is working in me. I walk around the house, feeling anxiety, but claiming the joy of the Lord that consoles me. I might be fearing something, but I claim that God is making me courageous. And while we all want to think we're powerful and mighty, the fight belongs to God. He'll let us know if He needs us on His battlefield. Until then, we are to be strong in our meekness. At least that's the way I interpret the Word in my life. It's how I interpreted the answer to my prayer this week when I heard,
"It's not your battle. It's mine. Be still".  Yeah, I get that a lot. It doesn't surprise me at all. One day I'd like a better message. I'm on my way.
Blessings. I sure hope this post makes it to you. You wouldn't believe the trouble it put me through and it's missing so much of what I originally wrote. SIgh.....

Setback: Opportunity

Brother had a setback today with dangerously low blood pressure. Apparently he reacted to one of the medications in much the same way Natalie did after surgery. Very scary day. 

Everyone is dealing with some problems of some kind and lots of prayer is needed. What started out as a peaceful day didn't end that way. 

But God is still in control and we can still have peace because He gives us His peace, His strength, His grace, and His mercy. 

May our family feel that peace as they all lay their heads down tonight. Tomorrow is a new day of healing and a new sunrise. 

Hope in a Sunrise

Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, "The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for him."

Lamentations 3:23 NIV

This beautiful sunrise made me take a detour on my usual morning route from school. It beckoned me, and I'm not one to turn down a sunrise! 

I turned the corner to head home and saw this view as well. 

Here's the kicker. Every morning after I drop off the 3 girls (one is a borrowed daughter), I pray for my family. As I was praying, I actually said, excuse me, God, but this will have to be continued because that is one righteous sunrise you made and I must stop and appreciate it! 

So I did just that. I sent a picture if it to Steve and told him it made me think of him too. Now if that doesn't make his day...;) 

I continued on with my prayers and felt so uplifted and energized and peaceful today. Nothing has changed, circumstance-wise, but God continues to plant seeds of peace in me every morning. Today He gave me hope in a sunrise. 

Are you watching for what He is giving you? 

Update on Tim: He is doing pretty well now that they have his pain managed better. They had him up and walking a bit. He still needs prayer for peace. This will be a long recovery and will require a lot of patience. Something he has never attained. I am praying for him to find God through his healing, but I will not push. God has assured me that He is in control and all I have to do is love him. Whew! 

Blessings! 

Update on my Brother

Thank you to those who are or were praying for my brother Tim. He underwent surgery today at the University of Michigan for a triple bypass. It wasn't a typical procedure, as his blood vessels were compromised such that the heart could not be removed from his body as it normally is in this surgery. Strangely, one of his arteries showed the blood flowing in the complete opposite direction of which it was designed to do. It made it a difficult decision to even attempt this procedure, but the surgeon felt he could be successful. 

I just got a call from my dad and the surgery went well. Praise God. He is still in recovery at this time (Tuesday 11:42am), and may not be conscious for another hour. Of course, docs have to warn of risks involved, but I am choosing to believe that God is bigger and that he will enjoy a full recovery, complication-free. As I tell him, he has more to do here in earth. 

Again, thank you for lifting him up with me to our Father in heaven. It is a beautiful thing to not only pray for someone, but to also let someone know you've prayed with them for the desire of their heart. It's what makes us brothers and sisters in Christ. Amen.